Amazing

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are

And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Christmas Happens

Have you ever noticed that Christmas suddenly just appears.  Like a flip of a switch, it is upon us.  There's no lead in, no prep, it just is there looking at you as if to say "hi, I'm here, I'm back."

This morning there is snow on the ground and with the snow there are more adverts with Santa popping up in them - like magic.  My hands as if they were pulled by father Christmases hands themselves reached up and back to the edges of the back cupboard to pull out one of my few Christmas mugs.  I'm using one as I type this.  It is kind of weird.  It's like menstruating, at least with that, we've got some lead -in.  Cramps, bad moods, some psychotic behaviour, the intense need for all things chocolate with some extra salt sprinkled over top.   Things need lead-ins.   Christmas defies that law. 

And going to Costco in September and seeing fully decorated Xmas trees and mechanical gold reindeer is not my idea of preparation.  

My lead in to Christmas came this Tuesday November 16th which I suppose is within a reasonable time frame - I guess if you stretch your head a bit.  I had to take Layla to emergency after a bad night of GI issues resulting in a dehydrated little ducky and, as always (blessedly), she was seen immediately with much care and kind attention, treated with diligence and respect to the nature of her things, and we were sent home with return papers if need be.  Seriously, that child gets the Hilton Hospital experience when she is there - I can chalk it up to her being really cute in those tiny hospital gowns.  She does melt them, neon body goop and all, she still is a heart warmer.

We head off to do the usual Second Cup coffee and rocky road bar run (post emergency fare it makes the experience way better) as I wait for Michael to pick us up.  I sit, study my homework all the while listening to three hours of Christmas lounge music.  I'm not kidding - three hours!  I was tempted to go back into emergency!

Surprisingly I did come out of there feeling a bit more merry and bright!!  I find myself looking forward to my morning Christmas cuppa. 

So, this is what I remember from this emergency visit - more and more, I am able to find the joy and connect that joy with every experience that my children lead me through. 

Christmas started post emergency this year.  In a place where there are sick children being tended to, nursed back to health, where they are suffering, a place of birth and death.  A place filled with help and hope for our little beings.  I hope the joy of Christmas fills each of those children's hearts and souls with cheer and provides comfort and supports their family members who are by their side.  May the music play on.....

Christmas time will sneak up on you and when it does, just take a moment to bask a little in the beauty and merriment that this time of year brings - even if this time of year starts while we pack away our summer shorts!!

Insight

Some time ago and over a period of time, I asked god to give me guidance; to give me the strength that would show me the way. 

Then came Layla.

I looked deep into her eyes tonight, right into her soul and I told her this:

That she is the strength and she is showing me my way.  Her being born is the strength behind my overcoming hurdles.  Facing fears, being able to let go, navigating through anger and grief and finding the blessings and beauty in the moment.    She is the  pull of my feet to the earth.

Right now, I may not be able to pursue a career and achieve monetary gains / success, but right now, I can do and I can be just what I should be doing and being right this very moment in my life. 

I've been pushed in this direction outside of my immediate control, but this child was born to me - to our family and so this reality must move us to go to a new level.

That she is an angel of the real kind and that she needs to know over and over again of how truly wonderful and special she is.  She needs to be told that every day because she may not get it, but the repetition will do wonders for her soul.  Her happy little soul.

So Much To Love

"Through the Divine Spirit, in my subconscious mind, I pray that my mum's medical procedure will be completely successful and that she will be home soon"

This is part of an affirmation written by my father.  My great father for my great mother in law.  Right as I type these words, she is undergoing open heart surgery in Montreal and I wish I could be right outside of her room door with her.   I see a bright light of strength, hope, love and courage enveloping her heart, the team of doctors and nurses with her and blanketing her completely.  I see my hand holding hers curled up and sedated, squeezing love and light into her body.  Silent prayers and powerful affirmations abound from the center of my being, across the country right into her operating room.  My heart is beating extra strong for her - beating in time and channeling strength right into hers. 

When I married Michael, I gained her.  She is a gift and she is my mother. 

I want to be like her when I grow up...... 

A Safe Place

My two daughters - number 1 and 2 - go to the same lovely school which started 2 weeks ago.  They are using their wings and starting to soar.  It is very special to watch and let go of the grip just a little bit and it feels right to do that.  The first two weeks have been great for them. 

The past month has been a tricky one for me.  I've been anxious and panic stricken often and without much warning.  It seems to occur during times of change and transition and September was looming around the corner when all this started.  It's also my birthday month.  All three of the girls are transitioning to school, a fairly tight and action packed schedule, Layla's intervention and therapy is more goal oriented and directed with more purpose and my husband is doing his thing full steam ahead.

Someone suggested that I don't know who I am and that it is definitely possible to lose the "yourself" in the mix of raising and tending to family.  Truth is that I do know who I am.  I'm Jennifer - what you see is it.  Ta Da!!  How does one who has such a large ego lose oneself - not possible, I just would never let that happen.  But seriously, and upon trying to make some sense of the spinning head episodes and the feeling of disconnect between my head and the rest of my body reminds me that my energy source has shifted from my core to my head and that my feet aren't rooted on the earth.  I don't totally know what I'm doing right here, right now. 

Baby Buttons

Layla and sisters have all been passing around the sicky baton.  Currently being jointly held by Maya and Layla.  One is asleep with a popcorn / vomit (changes depending on the season) bucket next to her pillow and the other dreaming dreams of antibiotic sugar plums.

Amidst this, I had a thought, it goes something like this.....

Last night, as Layla lay in my arms coughing and wailing, the movie "Benjamin Buttons" flashed through my mind.  The prequel - the story of the baby that grows up very slowly.  Brad Pitt can play the part of - well Layla I suppose.  I think I would happily handle nursing, bathing and massage duties ...

All joking aside, it is comforting to be able to see some humour in many situations.  Even when I feel stuck, I know that it is so important for me to keep living and being connected to all the world around me in the ways that I seek and desire.  So that I can keep drawing from all my experiences.  Not just the difficult or challenging ones.

Today at my dear family's doctor with Layla, dear Doctor who delivered my brother and I who now strictly deals with men's health, checked Layla's chest for possible infection.  When I told him of her diagnosis, he was sad.  He told me how sorry he was to hear of this.  His sadness was so real and heartfelt.  I wanted to hug him.  Truthfully, I want to hug everyone.  As if the hugging serves as an initiation into Layla's and my world.  Welcome into my heart space. 

This does happen now and then, and it leaves me with a heavy heart.  It is not a complaint or a bad thing.  I just can't stay moved by the sadness alone. 

What I do need to do is see more movies starring Mr. Pitt and let THAT move me!  Ha ha!

Do you know it's me?

Tonight I was feeding all of my children - as I do.  Layla was perched on her high chair familiarizing with what is happening next.  She looked vacant and I was surprised that I had not noticed that or at least described that look before that way.  Vacant.

Often I wonder if she knows who I am, and if I am something meaningful to her.  She knows my voice I think.

My Funny Bonsai

So I have this funny plant - a type of bonsai that husband gifted me with back on Mother's Day.  It is an odd plant and I am no green thumb.  Lately it's more like a pink thumb that is dry and calloused now that my dishwasher bit the dust.  Speaking of which and back to the bonsai, the plant is placed in front of the kitchen sink where it gets plenty of water (it's conveniently staring at me while I'm washing my dishes and so it is routinely doused with sink water) and filtered light.  Pretty much a fairly amenable situation for this bonsai according to our local lovely florist. 

But, ya know, it's a sad sad plant with a few sad leaves barely hanging on for life.  It's not so nice to look at.  Hubby brought home a sunflower plant to place next to it so it would add some much needed perk to the kitchen window sill. 

Finally, I had enough of the unsightly plant and wanted rid of it so Michael packed it in his lunch kit to take to work.

He totally forgot about it and there it was a week later in the corner of the living room where no family member can access - because the room is a hazard for many reasons, i.e. complete blooming mess. 

I placed it back on the kitchen windowsill.  Back where it belongs.  It needs nurturing.  It's my 4th child.  It still ain't pretty.  But it's mine to figure out.  I've stopped googling bonsais and no longer approach every florist I can get my hands on. I will figure it out.  And if I don't it doesn't matter.   It has turned into my own piece of strange artwork.  It is the first thing that I really see on my way to the coffee pot in the mornings and you know, it doesn't speak to me (all you parents of little children can appreciate this one).  It just sits there, perched on the sill, doing it's thing. 

Thank you for the gift Michael.  For all my gifts.

xo me

Severely ___________________

Layla's been assessed as "severely disabled".

This assessment came with ensuring her eligibility for a number of benefits.  So I get the need to mark her disability on the scale so we can optimize her opportunities for resources to provide for her needs.

Reading that though was bleak.  So, take a deep breathe, sweep that piece of information away to the pile that it belongs in and we look at what else she is severely.  Her eyelashes are severely long and lovely, and she has a severely infectious smile.

She can hear her sister Sabrina's severe growls and Maya's severely odd air guitar solos (it's happening behind me now as I type). 

I have a severely great family - add that to the assessments!

Family Ties

My sister in law and her children are here visiting for a few weeks.  She is special and has been a part of my life in a unique and memorable way.  Paula is a mother and a coach to me and is a gift to many people, especially her children.  She is kind of like the child whisper and demonstrates a compassion and intimacy of parenthood that I wouldn't have otherwise known is possible.    Before children were on my radar, I knew that her parenting skills would impact me when that time came and boy has it ever.  I am lucky beyond words to have her in my life.  Immediately after Layla's birth there were a spiral of events that I did not see coming if someone had told me - sort of like when I was pregnant with Maya and I purposely skipped reading the section on episiotomies, because THAT wouldn't happen to me......  oh thank heaven for sitz baths and donut rings is all that I can say about that! -  and wasn't prepared for.  She was right there by my side and I expressed to her my sadness that "they took my baby, they took my baby".  And somehow, by her being there, I felt cushioned amidst fear and heart pressing pain.  I'll never forget that moment and I am forever grateful that she was right there - she got it completely.   She didn't try to reassure me or stop my heartache, she just felt it, like it was happening to her.

Now she continues to be a mentor to me in many ways.  Marrying Michael gave me the gift of his family.  I love you all sincerely, you are mine....

I wish that all my girls, my fellow mothers and soul sisters have the gift of extended family, those that also love your children like you do. 

Welcome home Paula, Richard, Kiera and Kaelan - welcome home with love. 

Up

We are up Layla and I.  She was startled by the sound of her big bad fart.  Made me jump off of my computer chair / kitchen bar stool.

Lately, my inspiration has been running a little thin admittedly.  More on my mental tray is Maya's 7th birthday.  She's a good kid that one.  I do the shaking the head when I look at her with undivided attention - so pretty much rarely - but when I do the head shakes.  It shakes for the celebration of her making it to age 7 in one nice package.  When she turned 5, Michael and I hi-5'ed "we did it!"  We made it to a child turning 5 and she has survived!!

She is our gentle giant, our tender heart, our Pisces.  That is a sign of sensitivity and ego.  She reminds me of an old dear friend that was born the very same day but many years ahead.  My college sweetheart - she was a she.  No not a college thing.  Rather another one of my life loves in the form of a friend  Anyhow, Maya reminds me of her so much that on a few occasions now, I've turned to look at Maya and caught a likeness of my DOF (dear old friend). 

A few months after she was born and right in the depths of post-partum bliss, I called DOF (we hadn't spoken in years) and cried.  I said that my baby moved me to make the call and weep.  Women, we are an odd bunch.

Maya is a good big sister in a clearly demanding lead role.  Positively Oscar worthy.  Special needs baby sister and off-the-wall mildly abusive younger sister.  Sabrina's bark is as loud as her bite whereas Maya has neither.  No bark, no bite, just drama and the propensity to fear the unknown.  Sabs will jump in and deal with the emotional flames as they hit her.  Maya has a quiet cautiousness to her.  Many times she is the family's voice of reason.  Lately however there has been an undeniable shift.  The gap between her and her younger sis has widened develomentally and intellectually.  With the exception of heading up to her room by herself - Sabrina always and still needs to lead the way.

My Space vs World Space

Welcome Springtime.  Layla's coming up to a year old.  Her capacity, at a 4 to 5 month old.  In many ways she has bloomed;  a natural response to our nurturing weather over the past few weeks.  We've been making sure that she is well watered and getting plenty of sun. 

I've been thinking a lot this past week about this excitement that I feel over where my life is headed;  the world of disability.  The parents that I will meet and the stories that I'm going to share.  But, right now I've enjoyed the not knowing - the "my space" versus the world space and the language of disability that I just don't even know of yet.  But I will.  I want to.  There is so much to discover.  That world is for me.  It is not so foreign, 

John Travolta's son past away after a seizure episode.  I clearly remember thinking why do these celebrities "hide" their disabled children.  That they must feel ashamed of them, somehow their "different" children must stifle their image.  Why bring them to the forefront.  We used to hear of his daughter enough.  Well I suppose this is all part of the greater P.R. plan.

Now.

Maybe he was protecting his child.  Hyper protecting.  I won't move forward advertising Layla's life to everyone who looks at her quizzingly.  And they may do that.  As she gets older, month by month, her age to development gap is getting greater.  It will,  I know.  She will be noticed, not for her slick moves on the soccer field, or for her sweet camera ready smile when there is photo opportunity.  Nope, that is her sisters.  People will look at Layla and wonder.  And I will protect her innocence and her inability to be "normal".  Her differences won't make obvious sense and will make her noticable.  I want to shelter her from the thoughts.   I think I get the silence now.  I'm no celebrity, I just have a special child with needs that you have to live with and cope with in order to understand.  It's all about protecting the rights that they aren't even aware that they have.

Mother's Day

About Motherhood

by Kahlil Gibran

Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of the earth and gives it its nourishment of heat; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of the birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love.

The Start of the Second

Layla's onto the second year of her life.  Happy Birthday Sunshine!   On April 17th, the whole family of us did a loud "yay team!"  What a year.

A great year.  Really, it was exciting.  I feel like I am back in that hospital, in the special care unit, in my little room with my daughter with a certain numbness in my brain.  Now that numb comes from chronic fatigue and the buzz sound is coming from the auto pilot button which is ON. 

We function, it is fun functioning. 

Monday is Layla's first surgery and the soft top will be upgraded to the non-convertable model.  Can't wait.  Actually, now that I think about it, I can wait.  I'm used to her this way.  We shall get used to the new and modified her.

After the surgery, I think I'll celebrate her birthday properly.  Perhaps I'll go for that walk on the beach that I've been craving.  Or, I'll go get my nails done, ooh and highlites!  Don't remember the last time I had that.  Maybe I'll do it all.....

The Inspirors

There are moments that happen that if we don't pay attention to them, we miss out.  I had a few run ins that left me with a feeling of elevation.

Many people provide me with gems of inspiration and I'd like to talk about them and all that they give me.  There are so many of you all around me and I honestly love you all. 

I'd like to start with "Betty"

Within 5 minutes of talking we are knee deep into our lives.  We are acquaintences and have this special way of filling each other in with all the knitty gritty details in a very short matter of time.  She is going through some challenging times right now within her immediate family and she expressed how it is making her feel in a very understandable way;  when a family member is in pain, the entire family feels it.  The interesting thing is that there is another feeling that she is experiencing - thoughts of frustration and anger towards the person who is suffering.  She is uncomfortable with those thoughts but they are there and very real to her. 
She told me and acknowledged that it was hard to admit to those feelings and that those emotions are selfish and that she has to put them out of her mind. 

I told her how I read a great article on parenting related to special needs - i.e. my life obsession right now - and how all the emotions - all of them, whatever the mix may be - shouldn't be judged but should be felt, acknowledged and that we should in fact swim in them for a moment.  It is easier to push forward once we do.  You have to get to that dark place and see it staring back at you so that you can live in that moment of that very experience.  Take it in, cry, whatever, just acknowledge the shittiness of it and that way it can't really fester moving forward.  It is hard to explain.  But I guess my point and what I shared much more eloquently to "Betty" was that it is ok and necessary for people to go there.  It can get easier quicker once you've done that.

Betty is one of those people that just the site of her makes me all warm inside. Thanks for becoming a friend and lots of support to you and your family.

Then there's Pat and Fran - actual names. I love you both. Period.

To Comfort

The comfort of your pillow. Of knowing how good it will feel. Tonight marks the end of a comfort and immense joy in what has been a big part of my life for 5 wonderful years. Leaving the community preschool with Sabrina marks an end to a significant journey in my times. Parenthood in the early years. This has been just that. I embraced the world of preschool and play and community building and it in return embraced me right back.

This time has been perfect. Another reminder of how life takes you to just where you need to be. Look for it and you will see how much you need to be doing this very thing right now. Sometimes it is masked - by drama, by extraneous unneccesities. But look past all of that, and you'll see what it has done for you. I made friendships that will fill me and have filled me so that I am equipped for what comes ahead.

Thank you dear friends and parents. You have lifted me and my girls. Even Layla. She is better off with me having all of you in our lives and is better off with me having this fantastic experience to shape me going forward.

I am leaving Maya and Sabrina's preschool experience. I think we should all be passionate about our lives. We've only got one opportunity - at the very least, there is only one life that we'll remember at a time.

Embrace it embrace it all. You'll be happy that you did. I am happy that I did.

Farewell Dunbar Memorial Parent Participation Preschool. With much love.

jennifer

What to Expect When You Are Expecting

And Don't Get What You Expected.

This my friends, is the title of my book....... of life.

No Matter

No matter what, you are gorgeous
no matter what, you are a precious little baby
no matter what, you are mine
no matter what, your life is important and whole
no matter what, our relationship is of the utmost importance
no matter what, your sisters love you - period
no matter what, there is calm in our lives by you being in it
no matter what, I am different now
no matter what, there is so much to delight in you, and I delight in you
No matter what, I hold your life in my hands and my hands are embracing the world
No matter what, my special child, you are honoured
as all my daughters are honoured
you do hold a different place, you have earned that
No matter what, there will be tears for all that you are not but that doesn't mean I love you any less
No matter what, you won't know what you have missed
No matter what, you will be a happy person
No matter what, you will achieve all that you can achieve
with my support and with your own strengths
No matter what, I will keep pushing through
with you as my guiding force
No matter what, I love you
No matter what, you don't need me crying over you.
No  matter what, you are an equal and contributing part of this family, my immediate one and our broader extension of family and friends
No matter what, all those who care about you will be positively affected by you
No matter what, you are different
and equally my child, an equal daughter, an equal cute and endearing and squishy faced little pumpkin
No matter what, I will always wonder....
No matter what, you have changed my life radically for the better
I can love you all more
love you proper
No matter what Layla ..... no matter what sweet girl

Leprechaun / Mermaid

Happy St.Patrick's Day before I fail to mention.  It is a big deal in my home.  Sporting green, shamrocks and an Irish passport (or a reasonable facsimile) are required to get in!

The girls were in St.Paddy's day form as they are year after year and I think dad put on those super-hard-to-remove and not really school appropriate tatoos on the two oldest daughters very intentionally.  He is proud to be Irish.  Needless to say that I hope none of the kids in Maya's big buddy group read the label on the tat.....  sigh.

It is official, Layla is a real life leprechaun.  She is the lucky McKay charm.  She's surrounded by marshmallow rainbows.  Seriously. 

Too cute in all of her green, she played it up very nicely.  Sabrina has decided for the month of March from here on in, she will go from prized Mermaid status to the Irish counterpart - a female leprachaun :). 

We have been watching the Paralympics and have the fortune of taking in a game in a few days with my dear bro.  Everytime I watch these games, I cry.  It, like everything else, has to do with my baby.  While I wait for the melodrama to pass, I may as well use this very drama to inspire. 

Layla is a Para. The thought of her being in a wheelchair is well, it is a big thought. 

I reflect back to Alexandre Bilodeau winning the Olympic Gold for Canada.  His family, his brother with Cerebral Palsy.  Watching the Bilodeau family and hearing Alexandre speak of his brother as a force in his own life moved many people.  For many reasons.  We watched it with a heavy heart and lots of fierce pride at the same time.  This is how it hits me.  Heavy - with tears - and proudly encouraged - smile - are two feelings that have teamed up and follow me everywhere.  It is a new and surprising experience.  I am the parent of that child that inspires.  Right now though, I can't deny how harsh this reality is. 

Sometimes I just want to surround myself with company and good times.  Other times, being alone and walking the road solo is the way to go.  Right now, I need to be alone and restore some energy. 

I've started explaining Layla's events to more family members.  They are great.  This cat needs to be kept out of the closet.  There will be no closets in Layla's being.  Seriously how can there be, I talk too much to ever let that happen!

She is too much to love and I hope that I can let all of my friends and family into my experience and the walk (or ride) of her life.  Knowledge is key.  She will be the change for many people.  I am going to be her eyes and ears and transportation system for a while.
I do it with fierce pleasure and pride.

Go Paralympians!!

Freedom

Last week, there was a day when I experienced a sense of real freedom around me. It started with my middle daughter on the swing soaring "up to the sky" and that look on her face. Like a mastercard commercial - priceless. Next up when I was walking home from #1's school and she was riding on her bike ahead of me. She too was soaring away from me. It was symbolic and sweet. Then as I'm carrying baby cakes in the front carrier, her calm reaction to the outdoors.  My dear dear neighbour down the street walked up to us and was talking to Layla and she smiled in response.


There is something special about outdoors that releases a lot for me and I do transfer that onto my kids. I feel their freedom and happiness in the most basic things.

Layla will appreciate the fresh air more. When she breathes the air of late winter she will be free of thinking of the stressors of her day and experience the nature around her differently. Whether she rides that bike or swings up to the sky and back or not, her movement will create emotions that are beyond what I know. I wish for her less clutter and more simple happiness. We will all experience it vicariously through her. Whatever Layla's road ahead looks like, she will be free won't she.

Her neurologist said that she will be a happy person. I felt so stabbed in the heart, my response to that (inside voice of course) was to think - happy about what?

It's hard to put into words but I am slowly but very surely moving towards believeing that and really believing that.

There is tremendous freedom in letting go.

Pity Party Podium

Everyday, I wonder what Layla's life will be;  what it will look like. 

Not a single day has passed that the thought hasn't gone through me.  I don't stop at that thought.  Rather, I push through.  Usually because the very moment I go down that train, I get another train crossing the track - with my other two children on it.  Giving me perspective that life is happenning and the picture that is Layla's future is going to take shape within the bigger whole of my family. 
How precious is her life in that she has two siblings who are good and unique in there own ungenetically-affected way. 

Everyday I wonder what is happening to my life.  That is all that I can say about that because with this one I'm a bit stuck.  I looked at my husband and said why you and me? 

Why us..... baby - your needs are so much bigger than me........

Pride Ongoing

It's March 2010.  There is an exciting feeling around.  The air is swimming with spring flowers on the edge of full bloom.  Vancouver this time of year is the butterfly breaking out of the cacoon.  It's earlier than usual..  The Olympic games round one has ended with the Paralympic gearing to go just around the corner.  The electricity comes from the Vancouver Olympic experience. 
I'm still catching up on the reviews most of them good from the wake of the games.

My pride for our town is pretty huge.  I feel like my family and I did good.  The city did good.  It's like all of us Vancouverites held hands and lifted the games and our city up high high high all while smiling and doing the happy dance.

Do you know what I mean?

I remember clear as day where I was when I heard of the Georgian athletes awful death.  It made me sink.  Without a word, it's as if we all knew that we weren't going to let him down, the Vancouver Olympics down, this experience down.  We rose up in cheer and delight to push through the negative - and yes it was negative.  This young man shouldn't have died this way.  He didn't get to embrace his family as they hugged and kissed him with pride over his olympic experience when he returned home to his life and loved ones.   There was no okaying this.  Sure the weather up in Cypress sucked and there were trucks and helicopters bringing in snow.  Many many tickets were of no use and those people were completely screwed of a once-in-a-lifetime experience. 
Life happenned in Vancouver.  I get that.  It normalized me somehow.  Shit happens. 
Tragedy is devastating. 

There was the moment where I asked the question:  What can I do?
Could we push through this as a host city?  I remember seeing John Furlong with Jacques Rogge in the press conference after the death.  They were gutted.
There was no way I would let this go to pot.  We all felt the same.  Clearly. 

My night out - a pleasant last minute surprise thanks to a dear friend and Olympics Mom as I think of her now - with a group of mothers was incredible.  It will be a highlite of my year.  The experience of the Olympics was a dream staycation let me tell you.

We all know that this is a costly endeavour and Vancouver and it's people are stretched already beyond means.   Yes,  that big bear in the corner it's there alright. We'll be crying over that for years to come and possibly damning some of this.

Outside of the bad, the experience that I am left with is joy and pride over a great moment of our history.  Families and peoples coming together.  We will share this for a lifetime.  Greatfully.  We welcomed the world into our backyard with open arms, warm hearts and friendly faces.  The happiness was infectious and undeniable.  When I look at those Olympic weeks I know that happiness and festivity rise above cynicism.  As does the goodness in all of us, it is stronger than a negative spirit.   

I am buoyed by this experience and I will push through with my  red Canada toque square on my head.
A part of me may very well believe that Layla will inspire more than just me.   I believe that she will see, hear, speak, and walk.  She can laugh;  we've heard that.  Her spirit is strong.  
This moment came at a good time for me.  Like a dose of sunshine, my reserves are full, I am nourished.
Life is good.

A Trip

Layla's IDP (Infant Development Program) Consultant gave me this. She's a special person.  I keep this close and read it now and then.

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html

Little Blessings Part 1 - Sabrina Anne

Another day of doctor appointments, and relatively speaking a successful one. News that her vision is improving. So why did I walk away from Children's Hospital feeling defeated again?! My low points strike at the oddest moments.

I came home to a blessing of note. If I open my eyes a little wider, I see how many that there are around me. The blessing today came in the form of a darling and quirky 4 year old.

Sabrina at 2 and a half months of age gave me a glimpse of who she is. She laughed out loud - she was so tiny and she laughed this mischievous laugh. I hear it and see that moment in my mind like it just happenned yesterday. She has been walking around the house in her Canada toque, she sleeps with it on, and waves her little Canadian flag.

This little blessing of mine has a way of lightening the mood. Not much makes me laugh out loud. Right now anyway. That is until I turn around and see her head in a bowl licking out the leftover ketchup from the mac-and-cheese lunch. I ask her when she comes up for air if she'd like to wear the bowl on her head now that she has licked it clean and she replies "no mommie, that would mess up my hair.". OK, so I know that it is really only cute to me, but her style, her words, her chutzpah brings me more than I appreciate most of the time. That very chutzpah at bed time doesn't give me the same results as you could imagine.

When you feel like the curse of life is surrounding you like Pigpen - Charlie Brown's friend - it is important to find strength wherever you can. Sabrina fuels my humour. Humour is a strength that I draw upon and feed off of. Humour makes me happy. Sabrina makes me happy. Sabrina = strength. My life right now makes me appreciate that all the more. Thankfully.

Thank Heaven for little girls....

The Eve of the 2010 Olympics

We went for a drive tonight after another rivetting parent group. The city is bright and clean - shiny is an appropriate word. Magic really is in the air. The lights over Cypress mountain makes the night sky glow just perfectly. The streets around UBC and Point Grey look pristine and inviting. Every busstop and billboard illuminates British Columbia, Canada and the Olympics. There is no denying the sight of it all. The sky is alive with beaming lights of the symbolic rings. People are home, big screen TVs are on and as much as Yaletown is alive, there is another vibe, a quieter and mesmerizing vibe of our city and it's citizens taking it in one day before our city, this spectacular heck of a city, gets turned on like it's never been before.
This is really big and super cool. My family went to see the torch relay go by near our house. Magic again. So much pride, so awesome. It's here, in our city. How can anyone not be moved by this and being a part of the experience when it allows everyone to be a part of. There are open "free" events all around. I am pretty awestruck (can't you tell).

The people behind the scenes have done a great job putting this together in my opinion. This is a big undertaking right? Not easy and probably a bloody nightmare. This John Furlong fella, wow. Hats off man.

Vancouver will come alive tomorrow like it did back in Exp '86. I'm really moved by this feeling. Admittedly, when I see and hear the buzz word "believe", it does give me a crazy strong hope for my baby Rubinstein-Taybi. Hope for lots of things involving all those that I love. This baby of mine opens my heart to possibilities that I wouldn't allow. For the reasons that believing to me seemed lacking direction or statistically unclear. Nowadays, not much is clear. My daughter fills me with such a dichotomy; happiness and love, and like the flipside of the coin, such sadness and despair.

Believing, dreaming, hoping, loving and praying are very very real and accessible to me - what choice do I have? It's not in me to do anything less for this little gift of mine.

My spirit is pretty fuelled with pride and energy for what is here and now. The Olympic Games. I will let it fuel me and am pretty psyched about enjoying everything about this city, MY city for the next month.

Shine on Vancouver! Let's have a ball - we are indeed made for this.

The Core of the Family

Moms are the core of the family. They are meant as such. We hold the embryo, feed the fetus, birth the babe, breastfeed the hungry bear. I think it's fair to say we hold the core title. When I think of a core, I see an apple and cutting around the core, throwing it away, then eating the good stuff around it.
This week I have been the apple core of this family. I've thrown myself away feeling useless. Don't let my bleak state of mind deter you.

A woman who has become a special friend over many years of limited visits yet meaningful conversations when we see each other, acknowledged my feelings with the words of "shock and grief". I am in shock and grief-stricken. I gave birth to a defective baby and I feel responsible.

Fuck the world a thousand times over.

So much for my resolution of imparting happiness to the world each and every day to friends and strangers alike. Next blog post - promise.

Because this post has been so bleak, I'll give you this from the words of Maya and Sabrina.

Sabrina asked me prior to her dance class if I could "please blow up her tutu". My response was "..... huh?"

We were discussing what it was that we ate for dinner tonight, and I told Maya that it was catfish (really yummy onion and dijon crusted recipe - mmm mmm good!). She replied in her very Maya way (she knows everything right now, underline everything) and said "Well!! Catfish is when cat's eat fish then barf it out and then Mummy re-cooks it to make it taste yummy again". My response was to first stop daddy's laughing so Maya would take seriously the inappropriateness of the comment and then a reminder to her that it is "vomit" not "barf"!!!
My word!!

Layla's Beautiful Mind

"I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible"

Today was this from Neurology:

Heterotopic Grey Matter - Brain Malformation

?

why?

I need to believe that something extraordinary can happen.

The Title of the Craziest

Is it just me or all of us mums in a race for the title of the craziest?

Our children are of the generation of bootcamp mornings, hyper-scheduled right from in-utero (signing up for daycare if you are pregnant - hey that's what the recorded message of the daycare said!!!), helicopter parenting, do you get my drift.

What is that going to do to them? What is going to be the outcome in their adult years? Nobody knows because they will be the first of their kind. Read - a generation gearing up for exciting and new age therapy.

That's it. I'm going to be the Generation Y Therapist. Can I do that as a Generation Xer raising my Ys? Probably. Because I'm aware.

So, I leave you this fellow harried mothers and fathers:  If it seems like it is getting out of hand, go with your gut and acknowledge, heck say it out loud, that it is.  Step back, slow down, take a day off of your routine and chill out.  They just need you, not the frantic you, just you period.  They see the frantic and they know that mode and they slip into their response.  Let's encourage initiative taking children, not just reactive ones.  Right now, they in a sense are reacting to our pace, the one that we have imposed on them.   Let's re-create the arena for their imagination to run free versus one where they are responding to stress.   Loving your children, I think it is that simple.

Where's the Manual??!

Last night it was my mother's birthday celebration. Particularly special as it is a year after her cancer treatment and she is in great health and able to enjoy a birthday as she does. Baby Layla is suffering - it is the right word - from what seems to be a chronic constipation issue. Fruit is not good right now and it is important to note that with developmentally delayed children, that although she is enjoying food from the 6 month mark, her stomach juices aren't ready for the onslaught. So, keep it simple with one type of food, easily digestible, for a stretch of time before introducing another. Keep away from the fruit because their sugars are more complex and requires more to break down. Leading to "colicky" baby symptoms. i.e. miserable all night long. I think I'm going to invent a chocolate that pairs well with colicky baby with the ingredient for keeping us going through the wee hours.

We'll stick to basic sweet pots, carrots, yams, possibly potatoes and formula. Peas too seem to be a no-no, again going back to the sugar. There are so many books, I know, but you know your baby the best and I really am accepting that there is nothing wrong with holding back until it gets easier for the baby. Not to get too ahead of myself in order to achieve a sense of success - rather find success in the smiles, hugs, sounds and warmth of the baby.

Oh my, I should write for Hallmark!

OK so my epiphany today was inspired by a rather low moment last night. The baby was crying in discomfort and just annoying at 1:30am after my family departed leaving me with a kitchen full of dirty dishes (that said family just ignored completely.... I'll leave that for another post). I looked at her and said something to the effect of " I don't have time to deal with your fussing right now" and how "she should have come with a manual".
Today, after a few hours of sleep and god-is-great caffeine, the thought came to me:

She chose me, she is my manual for my life.

When you look at your baby choosing you, it opens up the picture so much. It's not a matter of deflecting or denying. These children, their spirits, we make them. Their uniqueness. It is spirit. Her spirit is providing a quiet means for us to re-evaluate and reshape what matters most in our lives. Life is important, all life, in all of it's many colours.

The earthquake disaster in Haiti, we must all help. All life is of value and the impacts are far reaching. Shift our family focus to re-establish our own ability to value lives that may look like they have none. All people are able and worthy and it is high time that the world isn't perceived as a place to squash abilities and the emphasis on the forces of evil. Music and prose needs to talk of happy times, of goodness and hope.

I don't know the plan to helping the damage caused by the disaster, but the help - great and small - will impact exponentially. Human kindness and goodness does prevail if we allow it. No? I mean Yes??

A wise, but creepy man (gosh if he ever reads this he'll know..) told me that disasters and hardship are the only way to draw empathy and compassion from people. This may seem like an obvious and why am I getting stumped on that - but I find it stump worthy!

I have digressed but there are a number of points here, it's all in the interpretation. I leave you this to remember, your child is your life manual.

Kissing your Eyes

I sofly kissed Layla's eyes today as she was perfectly nestled in my arms. My kiss came with the wish for sight.
Went to the paediatrician today for a weigh in and we spoke of her constipation. It may be chronic with her composition and he is refering us to see a gastroenterologist. That is a pretty cool title, I gotta say. With there being so many ologies in the medical world, how do you decide?? Who would choose bowel health? Dare I ask upon meeting this doctor? I wouldn't put it past me...

There is a great song that is going to part of Layla's musical repetoire: "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Layla's Turning into one of them...

Layla is 8 months new. Maya is 6, Sabrina 4. After the holidays it has hit me like a ton of bricks the bloody chaos that we live in. My friend, my lifesource. sent me a link for RTS Canada. She and all the friends and family in our lives are incredible. They are there in good and bad times. Back to the RTS website: The children and their families are beautiful and it does warm me to know that there are others going through this. What hurts is how much my baby daughter is looking like her diagnosis. It is such a push and pull of emotions. We are greatful for the diagnosis to give us a blueprint of things to come. How can I not be appreciative of technology and the knowledge / access to information that I have access to? BUT (such an irritating word), it is sad to have to go there. I am sorry and is not my intention to insult the families of children diagnosed with this. I will get used to being here. My children will propel me through this early - kind of uncomfortable - road.

There is a parent group that I belong to - let's call it the "group". Can I suggest that everyone find a group. Whether it be a book club, meet at the bar once a week, mommy's group, pow-wow in the school playground or whatever, you should join one. Life happens around you and you are a part of the life; you make a difference. So don't shy away from the "group" that caters to what you need at this point in your life.

So to end, I have to say welcome Rubinstien and Taybi. I'll show you around. Make yourself at home.

I'm just too old to be doing this...

Is the thought that ran through my head while brushing my teeth this morning. I'm at an "age" where having a baby was not in the plan back when I was 19. Having an identified special something something baby on top of that was definitely not in any tarot cards I picked out at any of those psychic fairs!! But as the saying goes - it is what it is.

So Layla is scheduled to have her Cleft Palate surgery in March. Many of those that love her dearly are hoping and praying that this surgery will lead to a marked leap in her development. I think I will join them in this hope and wish. My 6 year old and I went to see the Princess and the Frog. There was a star named "Evangeline" that everyone wished upon. Why can't we all wish upon stars? This year is the year to believe that dreams and wishes can come true. This is the year of believing! Let's all do it!