Hot Mess

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

This quote rings true for.  It makes it clear why my breakdowns are so wimpy - they ought to be holy moly mother breakdowns.  But, they're pretty tame.  Because I trust myself a lot.

I mean, really, the past several years have been worthy of a country song.  Girl is knocked up over course of ten years, loses herself with making babies, got no job, got no life, last baby is born unwell, marriage is strained,  husband checks out,  grandfather dies, so poor mama takes her babes and uproots, leaves her husband, is lost and on meds, got no money, no car, no man, no tissues for all my issues.  Girl's gotta find her way....

All the makings of a right- hot - mess.  

But I plug along, because I trust in myself.  I trust that all will be well.

I trust that Sabrina will knock on my head early Monday morning to tell me that she is hungry and for me to get up and tend to the farm.  (I live in Steveston next to the farm.... oh the irony).

I get up because I have these lovely little beans to nurture.  They are sprouting and need tending to.  

They need clean socks.  Their socks are being laundered but each child still has two different socks on each feet.  Matching pairs of socks are a thing of the past.  I'm unsuccessfully trying to start a new fashion trend.  Thank god it's spring and I can do away with socks for a while - it gives me time to either a) sort out some matching pairs (there are one-of socks everywhere in my home), or b) just get some more damn socks and toss these pairless buggers.

So for all that I'm failing with matching up my daughter's socks, what I am doing successfully is getting out of bed and more importantly, I am getting out of my head! (for the most part)

I am living my life and I am making sure that my children are moving forward and upward every day (except for when they are with their dad and he takes care of that on his end).    

I trust that I will always do the right thing - for the most part!  

That mantra is an affirmation that I declare every day.  I say it even when I am embarking on the "wrong thing", at which point I have to laugh.  Because even my wrong things don't stray too far off course.  I trust that my wrongs are what I can live with (for the most part).  Don't we all have to take some risks?  

They might be wrong - but they are mine and I hold what I do close to my heart.  I trust..... 

I am less afraid than I was back when I uprooted my life and that of my families, because I work hard to push through the fear.  I like me and I trust me.  I should marry me.  

I have to trust me because with that comes a higher level of living intuitively.  And I need to trust my gut when it comes to my girls - all of them.  Layla is non verbal and we must be able to read her expressions and attempts to communicate her needs.  I got to trust my gut and my inner knowings to handle her well and for her to trust that I will make the best choices for her.  It is trust at an amazing level.

To trust in me.  That is huge. For all my kids.  

I fell the other day - like I mean, I completely bailed.  It was so OTT and I have a huge humdinger on my hand to show for it.  My biggest concern was that I was not holding Layla when I fell.  

As much as I want to be rescued these days, as much as I want strong loving hands to lift my broken self off the floor, truth is, I can't afford to fall. For my girls.  For me.

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."  ..... I will trust my inner self, I will stay up and I will live the good life.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust
German dramatist, novelist, poet, & scientist (1749 - 1832) 

Love love

I love being in love.

I can't wait for cupid to strike me down with multiple arrows, at multiple times and spots along my way.

Bring it cupid.

I will embrace love again, I'm really good at it.

Seriously, you should see breakfast time with all my little loves, we are one big table o' love and it's magic.

XO

3851 West 16th Avenue

My mom, dad, my brother and I moved into this home back in April 1979.  The new owners take ownership on the 12 of July.  It's been the Dalmir family home for 33 years.

Among other things, it marks another end and another major change for my daughters and I.

Layla and Sabrina came home to this house when they were born.

With this house leaving our lives, it feels like my feet are again lifted off the earth.  Having children - it's amazing - they give you grounding.  My home is with them.  Them and my mom, dad and my brother.  Where they all dwell lies home.

It does feel a bit like I'm coming undone and reformed.  So much of my person is defined by that home and the history that it holds.

With Layla being born to me, it has set me off on a wild new journey.

The family housed the family that I was born into and that which I made.  It was the house that supported my being married.

I will miss this house and I will miss the me that once was.  The universe has a different design for me and I think I'm becoming less resistant to the changes taking shape.

Most importantly, as we leave our house, I feel so much pride for my parents; for their building the family house in Vancouver and for their integrity.  I wonder how they feel.  Sadness in letting this beautiful home go and the reality that comes with.  My god how things do change.
I have to say goodbye to my beloved home and to the solid ground that it gave me for so many years, as a child, a girl, a woman, a mother.  Thank you home for supporting me and for always being there NO MATTER what or when I needed you.  You have given me so much comfort and joy over these years.  I loved within your strong and sturdy and safe walls.  Within your walls will always be my spirit and the spirit of our loving family.  You have done your job and we bid you well with your new occupants.

It is really sad and hard to say goodbye to you and I love you very much.

I will build a family home for my family - a space for all to come and feel like home.
It's my turn.

“In the end
these things matter most:
How well did you love?
How fully did you live?
How deeply did you let go?” 
― Siddhārtha Gautama

Make Friends With Change

You have a home.  Like me, you have a  home.
My home has to be wheelchair accessible for Layla, and must generally be adapted to suit all her daily mobility challenges.

Today, Christmas came early.  An expert in accessibility and his go-to builder - an expert in renovating homes for people with mobility challenges - assured me that I can make my townhouse work for Layla's growing needs.

Layla's OT was here for the meeting, she and I were together in sharing my stress over the decision of how to design my home around L's needs.  We have had a past few weeks of heavy mulling and conversations over the suitability of my home for Layla.  She knew all too well of my mild anxieties around moving - again.She sees through me.  Nina.  You have been with me since I have started my new journey; I hope I have led you on an enjoyable ride...

I said to her, when it looked very well like I had to relocate, that I was hard pressed to believe that people with wheelchair bound family member all must make such drastic changes in their lives.

But you know what I did?  I have the sense to see that Layla is mine and with her comes a variety of differing decisions on my part.

Who gives a shit what the rest of the world must do.  I must make the home that she lives in appropriate for her mobility and care needs.  And, that her home is with me.

My decisions for my life are my own.  I proudly accept that.  One life, my life.  My choices, my journey.

Anyhow, Nina and I, we did a happy jig together once the guys left my home totally confident that they can make my home work.  And not just work - but work well and with the interest of me and all my daughters in mind.

Since the subject of my home opened, my positive inspiration for moving to some sort of clarity has been a in the words of a song.

But first.....

It came to me very quickly and clearly that all my decisions - obviously! - are based on what is best for my three children.  If I have to relocate - so be it.  But really!!!!  I don't want to do this again to them or to me.  Waaaaahhhhhhhh.

I am settled here.  It is a humble little home.  But it is mine and it provides comfort, safety, security, peace and warmth to my daughters.  For me, it provides so much.  It is my temple.  I can't even explain.  This place  makes me happy.  It is small and secure and boasts no frills whatsoever.  It is an honest home for my needs and those of my children and it is practical.  If I can afford more one day, then one day we may explore other options.

Maya said.  "Please don't move so that we have to change schools".

After school pick up, we have been driving around the area here and scoping out one floor bungalows, getting the kids on board.  I can't surprise them with unexpected changes anymore if I can help it.

The guys are going to outline what needs to be done and we are going to proceed.  Let me rephrase - I will proceed.

Everything that I do is because I want to do the right thing.  Come what may.  The future is uncertain.  Certain is the present.  I have three beautiful companions whom I abide with.  I will make this house their home....  I'm going to do it right for them.

Today, tomorrow and always girls - you have my word

"Home"
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

- Phillip Phillips

You Can Handle The Truth

Sabrina and I have been spending a lot of time chatting lately.  As we do.  Our chats - hers and mine particularly - are really thought provoking and give me great fodder for blogging material.  As they do.

She asked me if babies are ever born stuck together.

Let's get some context.
About a year ago, I had mentioned to Things 1 and 2 that at a recent Layla appointment, we had to go get some bloodwork done for her at the hospital during one of her regular visits.  At that time, I had the pleasure of saying "hi" to a pair of sweet twin girls who were conjoined.  I told them what conjoined twins are.  Maya had many questions of which I did my best to answer.  As I do.

Sabrina was quietly eating and listening.  She tends to be the listener at home, in the car.  At times in the throws of busy childhood business, it is often she that goes unnoticed.  Maya is the first born with some unwritten entitlement to be the speaker of the house, singer in the car and shower, dictator of all board games.  Layla requires us to tend to her functions so she keeps us all dancing around.

Sabrina is ingesting this all.  Up until this year - once her 7th birthday hit, she didn't use her words clearly enough to articulate her thoughts.  We just assumed that she wasn't interested.

Now the brain to mouth connection is strong.  Her ability to read and connect with pictures to understand concepts and create fuller richer ideas is strengthening.

Just between you and me, she as an infant was the scary offspring whose personality type lent itself to running the household otherwise, watch out!  Now as a bright and bubbly seven year old, her thought process scares me.  But we won't clue her into my fear.....

Now the past 7 years of life is all on the discussion table.  And no topic is barred.  Bring it!!

I do love the honesty and sincerity; all blanketed in the warmth of my assuring and protective arms.  I will speak the truth and I have trust in knowing that I speak to what my kiddies wish to know and learn about.  If ever I am not sure, if ever its starts to feel like it could be too much for them or for me, I wait.  I dig deeper.
And, I seek counsel from my gurus.

Like my daughters,  I ask those whom I trust many questions.  Then I come back to the discussion when I sort out what is right for us.  Sometimes, they bring it back to the table before I am ready for the onslaught.  Sometimes, I tell them that when I know better, I will let them know.
Sometimes, these discussions turn into an episode of Seinfeld or a late night talk show.  Sometimes I just hit the gong button.

I trust in the abundance of love that is the place that I speak to them from.  The world is under the feet that they are walking on.  They ask me questions - I love that they do.  Scary, stupid, simple, sophisticated, shitty and sweet.

They also know that if they ask me a non life threatening/safety/well being related or otherwise uninteresting question before 7am or after 8pm, I charge 25 cents per question.  

Let's go back now to Sabrina's thought process..

"Mommy, if two babies are born stuck together and the doctors unstick them, will one of them die?"

That's the question and god did I ever feels sad ..... I let the wave of sad flow through me and in that time, decided on the approach.  I said this.

"Imagine if you and Maya were twins, born at the same time, and imagine if you came out of Mommy holding one anothers hands.  Imagine if the doctor told your parents that if they separated our babies' hands that only one of them could live and the other one may not be healthy enough.  What do you think Sabrina, that we as the babies parents would do?"

She said.

"Never let go, I would hold on and never let go"

To Live, To Love, To Protect, To Honour

Living, loving, protecting and honouring - that is what I strive for with the girls.  The thing is that I plan on loving them and protecting them for the rest of my days - this life and beyond.  It's a plan, it is so. 

Can we protect them forever?  The answer is no. Right?  How am I going to protect Layla forever?

I trust that Maya will protect her life and all those that are in it, in the same way that I trust that Sabrina will protect herself from - oh I don't know -  herself!

Without thinking too far ahead, I consider the information about care for her in the future.  I mean her fuuuu-tooo-far-to-see-ture.  But what is that going to really be like for her when I'm not there.....

How do I not let my mind wander?

Sweet Sadness

Last September marked the beginning of the end and the beginning of the new - at the same time.

When your life changes and something special is ending, something special is beginning.

Something special is beginning.

There is so much more sadness in the ending.

My love.  What can I say or do now?  I love you more than life and now I have to not love you so much - our love was so sweet.  Now it is so sad.

Our daughters are so sweet.  You are a sweet dad.  You are a sweet soul.  As am I.

My sorry is sincere, my sorry is sweet and loving.  My sadness is insurmountable.

We kept making it through for so long.

I look at our daughters and am filled with deep sorrow.  But I know that sense of sorrow will pass.  Life isn't easy.  Our life  wasn't easy.  Our new life will be filled with the sweetness of our children and the specialness of our times together and the sadness of what became as it played through.  That's all I know.

Now.  September 2012.  I am letting my heart bleed freely and I cry when I feel like it.  I am letting it be.

I love you very much and our love was big.  My effort is to hold my head high, hold our love and our story with pride as I pass it onto the open body of water - the message in the bottle.   I am going to set this love free, it is mine to do so with.

I am sorry.  I really am.

"Sweet surrender, it's all that I have to give....."