Welcome Springtime. Layla's coming up to a year old. Her capacity, at a 4 to 5 month old. In many ways she has bloomed; a natural response to our nurturing weather over the past few weeks. We've been making sure that she is well watered and getting plenty of sun.
I've been thinking a lot this past week about this excitement that I feel over where my life is headed; the world of disability. The parents that I will meet and the stories that I'm going to share. But, right now I've enjoyed the not knowing - the "my space" versus the world space and the language of disability that I just don't even know of yet. But I will. I want to. There is so much to discover. That world is for me. It is not so foreign,
John Travolta's son past away after a seizure episode. I clearly remember thinking why do these celebrities "hide" their disabled children. That they must feel ashamed of them, somehow their "different" children must stifle their image. Why bring them to the forefront. We used to hear of his daughter enough. Well I suppose this is all part of the greater P.R. plan.
Now.
Maybe he was protecting his child. Hyper protecting. I won't move forward advertising Layla's life to everyone who looks at her quizzingly. And they may do that. As she gets older, month by month, her age to development gap is getting greater. It will, I know. She will be noticed, not for her slick moves on the soccer field, or for her sweet camera ready smile when there is photo opportunity. Nope, that is her sisters. People will look at Layla and wonder. And I will protect her innocence and her inability to be "normal". Her differences won't make obvious sense and will make her noticable. I want to shelter her from the thoughts. I think I get the silence now. I'm no celebrity, I just have a special child with needs that you have to live with and cope with in order to understand. It's all about protecting the rights that they aren't even aware that they have.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Mother's Day
About Motherhood
by Kahlil Gibran
by Kahlil Gibran
Everything in nature bespeaks the mother. The sun is the mother of the earth and gives it its nourishment of heat; it never leaves the universe at night until it has put the earth to sleep to the song of the sea and the hymn of the birds and brooks. And this earth is the mother of trees and flowers. It produces them, nurses them, and weans them. The trees and flowers become kind mothers of their great fruits and seeds. And the mother, the prototype of all existence, is the eternal spirit, full of beauty and love.
The Start of the Second
Layla's onto the second year of her life. Happy Birthday Sunshine! On April 17th, the whole family of us did a loud "yay team!" What a year.
A great year. Really, it was exciting. I feel like I am back in that hospital, in the special care unit, in my little room with my daughter with a certain numbness in my brain. Now that numb comes from chronic fatigue and the buzz sound is coming from the auto pilot button which is ON.
We function, it is fun functioning.
Monday is Layla's first surgery and the soft top will be upgraded to the non-convertable model. Can't wait. Actually, now that I think about it, I can wait. I'm used to her this way. We shall get used to the new and modified her.
After the surgery, I think I'll celebrate her birthday properly. Perhaps I'll go for that walk on the beach that I've been craving. Or, I'll go get my nails done, ooh and highlites! Don't remember the last time I had that. Maybe I'll do it all.....
A great year. Really, it was exciting. I feel like I am back in that hospital, in the special care unit, in my little room with my daughter with a certain numbness in my brain. Now that numb comes from chronic fatigue and the buzz sound is coming from the auto pilot button which is ON.
We function, it is fun functioning.
Monday is Layla's first surgery and the soft top will be upgraded to the non-convertable model. Can't wait. Actually, now that I think about it, I can wait. I'm used to her this way. We shall get used to the new and modified her.
After the surgery, I think I'll celebrate her birthday properly. Perhaps I'll go for that walk on the beach that I've been craving. Or, I'll go get my nails done, ooh and highlites! Don't remember the last time I had that. Maybe I'll do it all.....
The Inspirors
There are moments that happen that if we don't pay attention to them, we miss out. I had a few run ins that left me with a feeling of elevation.
Many people provide me with gems of inspiration and I'd like to talk about them and all that they give me. There are so many of you all around me and I honestly love you all.
I'd like to start with "Betty"
Within 5 minutes of talking we are knee deep into our lives. We are acquaintences and have this special way of filling each other in with all the knitty gritty details in a very short matter of time. She is going through some challenging times right now within her immediate family and she expressed how it is making her feel in a very understandable way; when a family member is in pain, the entire family feels it. The interesting thing is that there is another feeling that she is experiencing - thoughts of frustration and anger towards the person who is suffering. She is uncomfortable with those thoughts but they are there and very real to her.
She told me and acknowledged that it was hard to admit to those feelings and that those emotions are selfish and that she has to put them out of her mind.
I told her how I read a great article on parenting related to special needs - i.e. my life obsession right now - and how all the emotions - all of them, whatever the mix may be - shouldn't be judged but should be felt, acknowledged and that we should in fact swim in them for a moment. It is easier to push forward once we do. You have to get to that dark place and see it staring back at you so that you can live in that moment of that very experience. Take it in, cry, whatever, just acknowledge the shittiness of it and that way it can't really fester moving forward. It is hard to explain. But I guess my point and what I shared much more eloquently to "Betty" was that it is ok and necessary for people to go there. It can get easier quicker once you've done that.
Betty is one of those people that just the site of her makes me all warm inside. Thanks for becoming a friend and lots of support to you and your family.
Then there's Pat and Fran - actual names. I love you both. Period.
Many people provide me with gems of inspiration and I'd like to talk about them and all that they give me. There are so many of you all around me and I honestly love you all.
I'd like to start with "Betty"
Within 5 minutes of talking we are knee deep into our lives. We are acquaintences and have this special way of filling each other in with all the knitty gritty details in a very short matter of time. She is going through some challenging times right now within her immediate family and she expressed how it is making her feel in a very understandable way; when a family member is in pain, the entire family feels it. The interesting thing is that there is another feeling that she is experiencing - thoughts of frustration and anger towards the person who is suffering. She is uncomfortable with those thoughts but they are there and very real to her.
She told me and acknowledged that it was hard to admit to those feelings and that those emotions are selfish and that she has to put them out of her mind.
I told her how I read a great article on parenting related to special needs - i.e. my life obsession right now - and how all the emotions - all of them, whatever the mix may be - shouldn't be judged but should be felt, acknowledged and that we should in fact swim in them for a moment. It is easier to push forward once we do. You have to get to that dark place and see it staring back at you so that you can live in that moment of that very experience. Take it in, cry, whatever, just acknowledge the shittiness of it and that way it can't really fester moving forward. It is hard to explain. But I guess my point and what I shared much more eloquently to "Betty" was that it is ok and necessary for people to go there. It can get easier quicker once you've done that.
Betty is one of those people that just the site of her makes me all warm inside. Thanks for becoming a friend and lots of support to you and your family.
Then there's Pat and Fran - actual names. I love you both. Period.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
To Comfort
The comfort of your pillow. Of knowing how good it will feel. Tonight marks the end of a comfort and immense joy in what has been a big part of my life for 5 wonderful years. Leaving the community preschool with Sabrina marks an end to a significant journey in my times. Parenthood in the early years. This has been just that. I embraced the world of preschool and play and community building and it in return embraced me right back.
This time has been perfect. Another reminder of how life takes you to just where you need to be. Look for it and you will see how much you need to be doing this very thing right now. Sometimes it is masked - by drama, by extraneous unneccesities. But look past all of that, and you'll see what it has done for you. I made friendships that will fill me and have filled me so that I am equipped for what comes ahead.
Thank you dear friends and parents. You have lifted me and my girls. Even Layla. She is better off with me having all of you in our lives and is better off with me having this fantastic experience to shape me going forward.
I am leaving Maya and Sabrina's preschool experience. I think we should all be passionate about our lives. We've only got one opportunity - at the very least, there is only one life that we'll remember at a time.
Embrace it embrace it all. You'll be happy that you did. I am happy that I did.
Farewell Dunbar Memorial Parent Participation Preschool. With much love.
jennifer
This time has been perfect. Another reminder of how life takes you to just where you need to be. Look for it and you will see how much you need to be doing this very thing right now. Sometimes it is masked - by drama, by extraneous unneccesities. But look past all of that, and you'll see what it has done for you. I made friendships that will fill me and have filled me so that I am equipped for what comes ahead.
Thank you dear friends and parents. You have lifted me and my girls. Even Layla. She is better off with me having all of you in our lives and is better off with me having this fantastic experience to shape me going forward.
I am leaving Maya and Sabrina's preschool experience. I think we should all be passionate about our lives. We've only got one opportunity - at the very least, there is only one life that we'll remember at a time.
Embrace it embrace it all. You'll be happy that you did. I am happy that I did.
Farewell Dunbar Memorial Parent Participation Preschool. With much love.
jennifer
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
What to Expect When You Are Expecting
And Don't Get What You Expected.
This my friends, is the title of my book....... of life.
This my friends, is the title of my book....... of life.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
No Matter
No matter what, you are gorgeous
no matter what, you are a precious little baby
no matter what, you are mine
no matter what, your life is important and whole
no matter what, our relationship is of the utmost importance
no matter what, your sisters love you - period
no matter what, there is calm in our lives by you being in it
no matter what, I am different now
no matter what, there is so much to delight in you, and I delight in you
No matter what, I hold your life in my hands and my hands are embracing the world
No matter what, my special child, you are honoured
as all my daughters are honoured
you do hold a different place, you have earned that
No matter what, there will be tears for all that you are not but that doesn't mean I love you any less
No matter what, you won't know what you have missed
No matter what, you will be a happy person
No matter what, you will achieve all that you can achieve
with my support and with your own strengths
No matter what, I will keep pushing through
with you as my guiding force
No matter what, I love you
No matter what, you don't need me crying over you.
No matter what, you are an equal and contributing part of this family, my immediate one and our broader extension of family and friends
No matter what, all those who care about you will be positively affected by you
No matter what, you are different
and equally my child, an equal daughter, an equal cute and endearing and squishy faced little pumpkin
No matter what, I will always wonder....
No matter what, you have changed my life radically for the better
I can love you all more
love you proper
No matter what Layla ..... no matter what sweet girl
no matter what, you are a precious little baby
no matter what, you are mine
no matter what, your life is important and whole
no matter what, our relationship is of the utmost importance
no matter what, your sisters love you - period
no matter what, there is calm in our lives by you being in it
no matter what, I am different now
no matter what, there is so much to delight in you, and I delight in you
No matter what, I hold your life in my hands and my hands are embracing the world
No matter what, my special child, you are honoured
as all my daughters are honoured
you do hold a different place, you have earned that
No matter what, there will be tears for all that you are not but that doesn't mean I love you any less
No matter what, you won't know what you have missed
No matter what, you will be a happy person
No matter what, you will achieve all that you can achieve
with my support and with your own strengths
No matter what, I will keep pushing through
with you as my guiding force
No matter what, I love you
No matter what, you don't need me crying over you.
No matter what, you are an equal and contributing part of this family, my immediate one and our broader extension of family and friends
No matter what, all those who care about you will be positively affected by you
No matter what, you are different
and equally my child, an equal daughter, an equal cute and endearing and squishy faced little pumpkin
No matter what, I will always wonder....
No matter what, you have changed my life radically for the better
I can love you all more
love you proper
No matter what Layla ..... no matter what sweet girl
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