I See You .... March 5, 2014

March 5 -

I crawled into bed with you when no one was around and nobody was looking and I wrapped my arms around you.  We talked about life right now.  I told you how nice it was to snuggle with you like this and how you spent much of your life holding me.

You asked how the girls were.  I said that they were fine and that I will go pick up Layla from preschool after here.  That Maya and Sabrina were good - they were at school and school was good.

You asked where Dad was.  If he was coming and whether he was on his way. What's taking him so long?  I said that Dad was coming.  You nodded and said good.  He takes so long sometimes, you said.

You asked if Siraz was coming to see you.  I said that he would be coming right after work.  You smiled and said good.  Bring the girls here after school, my Moni, Soni and Loni......

I am going to look after the girls Mum, really well.  I am going to be the best mom to them.  Yes, you must, you said.  I am going to look after Dad too, make sure he's ok.  He's stubborn sometimes you say.  I will look after Siraz, make sure that he is ok too.  You smile and nod.  Good, he's a good son you say.  Yes.  I say, he is a very good son.

Mum, I'm going to look after you now.  It's my turn to look after you.  I'm going to take care of you now.  I hold your face in my hands and stroke your cheek.  Touch your hair.  You smile at me and nod.  That sounds really nice you say.

Will I get better you ask?  I will hold you through this mum and I will look after you.  Mum, you will.  You will.....

I told you my thoughts, my hopes and what is in my heart.  You told me to never regret and to live my life.

March 6 -

We had a big party and you were the guest of honour.  Everyone you love came and everyone got to speak to you and you heard it all.  There was talk, music and prayer.  Lots of prayer.  All around you and we all watched you hear us and take in the party that was held for you and you didn't want this party to end.  Your loved ones turn by turn shared their thoughts with you, their memories, their jokes, their sadness and their love for you.  You took it all in.  You took every moment in, in your room, packed with us.  With us preparing you.  We let you sleep while we prayed and we stayed close.

When the party ended, Dad stayed close to you.  He wanted to help you more.  He would have broken every bone in his body for you Mum.  In his stubborn loving Dad way.
It was just you and Dad for those moments ... only for you two to know

Then he came down the hall to where Siraz and I were sleeping.  Mum, we were down the hall from you just.  He told us to come.  Dad prayed by your bed.  Siraz and I on either side of you.  We were by your side to hand you off to your guides.  A handoff.  I didn't take my eyes off of you Mum.  I was so scared but so determined to do your sendoff gently, with integrity and courage.  You gave me life, now I give you away.

....... 6:50am Friday March 7th, 2014.  You were 66.


August now and I miss you.  I have been crying over other things, other than you.
I am running a lot.  Fueled by grief, loneliness and loss.

I am a free spirit mum.  It's in my nature, but without you, my spirit has taken an entirely new flight.  I am on the run, but please don't stop me.  I will stop when I'm ready.  Just please watch over me now and be my guide, I am alright.

Mum, you left me too soon.  Left Siraz and Dad too soon.  You are our missing piece.  The beautiful piece.  I want to call you Mum, but your not going to answer your phone.

Where did you go? It's me Mum.  It's me... hum hai