The Opposite of Brave

My girls watched the movie "Brave" a few years ago. It's about a heroine who is "anti-Cinderalla".  A girl who can brave the armies of attack, be they physical or personal battles.  Good message indeed.  I wish that my girls grow up brave, strong and able to fight the battles ahead.

I'm brave from Monday thru Friday when I am in full time mom mode. I am very squared up and functional.  Because, I am that - square and functional.   The weekends I totally actually am a different person. I am not brave, I am one scared and insecure little chicky.

Michael and I have a fairly nice and respectful schedule with the girls.  He takes them on the weekends - for the most part.  On the weekends, I want to crumble and just fall apart.  I really do.  If you see me on the weekends, you can't see this about me, but I want to lie on the floor and cry.  Kick scream cry.  

But I don't.  But I am sad as hell boy.... sad as fucking hell.

Right now, I admit loud and clear.  I wish to be rescued.  RESCUE ME. Please and thank you.

Being a grown up without a strong hand to hold me is not what I wish for myself.

The last time I held my husbands hands I remember it for how tight I held it and for how long.  I remember my heart thumping in my palm so loud.  We were down on Jericho walking.  I may have known that this would be the last time we held hands.  It was the last time that we were connected to one another with meaning.

I have been on my own now with the girls for some time.  They are doing well I suppose and they are my reason for being.  My heart is really connected to the love that I have for them and that keeps my chest warm.  Outside of them, my heart runs my body functions but it does not allow me to feel anything else.

My brain creates whimsical images of me being colourful and bright.  My brain creates wonderful stories and I go with it - but just in my head.  Nothing from the neck down moves me.

So I came down with a bad cold / flu the past few weeks and I had the worst persistent headache ever.  I can see my part in the headache - I've certainly amped up the noggin's workload!!

I've been very troubled about having to let love go and to shed love out of my body.  The love that makes us feel complete.  The love that I love so much.

I want to raise my children right - I want to be a strong mother.  And I do not want to be alone in my bed.....

What is a girl to do?