The Opposite of Brave

My girls watched the movie "Brave" a few years ago. It's about a heroine who is "anti-Cinderalla".  A girl who can brave the armies of attack, be they physical or personal battles.  Good message indeed.  I wish that my girls grow up brave, strong and able to fight the battles ahead.

I'm brave from Monday thru Friday when I am in full time mom mode. I am very squared up and functional.  Because, I am that - square and functional.   The weekends I totally actually am a different person. I am not brave, I am one scared and insecure little chicky.

Michael and I have a fairly nice and respectful schedule with the girls.  He takes them on the weekends - for the most part.  On the weekends, I want to crumble and just fall apart.  I really do.  If you see me on the weekends, you can't see this about me, but I want to lie on the floor and cry.  Kick scream cry.  

But I don't.  But I am sad as hell boy.... sad as fucking hell.

Right now, I admit loud and clear.  I wish to be rescued.  RESCUE ME. Please and thank you.

Being a grown up without a strong hand to hold me is not what I wish for myself.

The last time I held my husbands hands I remember it for how tight I held it and for how long.  I remember my heart thumping in my palm so loud.  We were down on Jericho walking.  I may have known that this would be the last time we held hands.  It was the last time that we were connected to one another with meaning.

I have been on my own now with the girls for some time.  They are doing well I suppose and they are my reason for being.  My heart is really connected to the love that I have for them and that keeps my chest warm.  Outside of them, my heart runs my body functions but it does not allow me to feel anything else.

My brain creates whimsical images of me being colourful and bright.  My brain creates wonderful stories and I go with it - but just in my head.  Nothing from the neck down moves me.

So I came down with a bad cold / flu the past few weeks and I had the worst persistent headache ever.  I can see my part in the headache - I've certainly amped up the noggin's workload!!

I've been very troubled about having to let love go and to shed love out of my body.  The love that makes us feel complete.  The love that I love so much.

I want to raise my children right - I want to be a strong mother.  And I do not want to be alone in my bed.....

What is a girl to do?

Happy Father's Day

Father's Day 2013.

I have an amazing father.  He is one in a million. He is a good good person. His love is large, his heart is huge, his intentions are ideal.  He is a great grandfather. He is close to god.  I feel his prayers. He is a big gun of goodness.  He can dissipate bad energy.

I am very lucky to be born his daughter and I am grateful beyond measure for that lottery ticket.

A great gal that I know, she is a grandmother, she was telling me about her brand new bouncing grandson.  How all grandparents wish for a healthy grandchild.
My dad has two healthy grandchildren and one that is very challenged.  Privately it breaks his heart. But that is not my story to share. In fact, I don't know because he deals with what comes into his life with a quiet ease and with the power of prayer.  He sees Layla as a precious gift, an addition of purity, peace and goodness into his world.  He doesn't look at her and ask God why.....

I wonder, does my dad ever ask God why he had to give us a child that wasn't born well.  Does my dad ever wonder why and what is God saying?

I don't know.  He spares me from anything negative as I mother these girls of ours. He comes to my home and prays and blesses my space.  He is my dad and with that alone, my life is blessed.

My daughter Maya is a lot like her Na Na.  A Pisces. Sensitive, inward and introverted.  A watcher and a quiet wonderer.  Sabrina has my dad's quick wit.  She has his inner Dalmir qualities.   A temper and a wicked sense of humour.  Layla possesses her grandfather's angelic nature.  She is closer to god.

Everyday is Father's Day. He has two children that love him and three grandchildren that cherish him.  Funny thing, a few weeks ago I told him that I will look after him always but only on one condition:  that he wears his hearing aid - otherwise fuggedaboudit!!!

Tomorrow I will go out for brunch with him , spend time working in my yard with him, talk about my crazy stuff with him and he will listen and learn more about me.  He will help me and he will pray for me. He will love me for infinity.

Happy Father's Day Dad.  You make me a Happy Daughter Everyday.