Hot Mess

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."

This quote rings true for.  It makes it clear why my breakdowns are so wimpy - they ought to be holy moly mother breakdowns.  But, they're pretty tame.  Because I trust myself a lot.

I mean, really, the past several years have been worthy of a country song.  Girl is knocked up over course of ten years, loses herself with making babies, got no job, got no life, last baby is born unwell, marriage is strained,  husband checks out,  grandfather dies, so poor mama takes her babes and uproots, leaves her husband, is lost and on meds, got no money, no car, no man, no tissues for all my issues.  Girl's gotta find her way....

All the makings of a right- hot - mess.  

But I plug along, because I trust in myself.  I trust that all will be well.

I trust that Sabrina will knock on my head early Monday morning to tell me that she is hungry and for me to get up and tend to the farm.  (I live in Steveston next to the farm.... oh the irony).

I get up because I have these lovely little beans to nurture.  They are sprouting and need tending to.  

They need clean socks.  Their socks are being laundered but each child still has two different socks on each feet.  Matching pairs of socks are a thing of the past.  I'm unsuccessfully trying to start a new fashion trend.  Thank god it's spring and I can do away with socks for a while - it gives me time to either a) sort out some matching pairs (there are one-of socks everywhere in my home), or b) just get some more damn socks and toss these pairless buggers.

So for all that I'm failing with matching up my daughter's socks, what I am doing successfully is getting out of bed and more importantly, I am getting out of my head! (for the most part)

I am living my life and I am making sure that my children are moving forward and upward every day (except for when they are with their dad and he takes care of that on his end).    

I trust that I will always do the right thing - for the most part!  

That mantra is an affirmation that I declare every day.  I say it even when I am embarking on the "wrong thing", at which point I have to laugh.  Because even my wrong things don't stray too far off course.  I trust that my wrongs are what I can live with (for the most part).  Don't we all have to take some risks?  

They might be wrong - but they are mine and I hold what I do close to my heart.  I trust..... 

I am less afraid than I was back when I uprooted my life and that of my families, because I work hard to push through the fear.  I like me and I trust me.  I should marry me.  

I have to trust me because with that comes a higher level of living intuitively.  And I need to trust my gut when it comes to my girls - all of them.  Layla is non verbal and we must be able to read her expressions and attempts to communicate her needs.  I got to trust my gut and my inner knowings to handle her well and for her to trust that I will make the best choices for her.  It is trust at an amazing level.

To trust in me.  That is huge. For all my kids.  

I fell the other day - like I mean, I completely bailed.  It was so OTT and I have a huge humdinger on my hand to show for it.  My biggest concern was that I was not holding Layla when I fell.  

As much as I want to be rescued these days, as much as I want strong loving hands to lift my broken self off the floor, truth is, I can't afford to fall. For my girls.  For me.

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."  ..... I will trust my inner self, I will stay up and I will live the good life.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Faust
German dramatist, novelist, poet, & scientist (1749 - 1832)