You Can Handle The Truth

Sabrina and I have been spending a lot of time chatting lately.  As we do.  Our chats - hers and mine particularly - are really thought provoking and give me great fodder for blogging material.  As they do.

She asked me if babies are ever born stuck together.

Let's get some context.
About a year ago, I had mentioned to Things 1 and 2 that at a recent Layla appointment, we had to go get some bloodwork done for her at the hospital during one of her regular visits.  At that time, I had the pleasure of saying "hi" to a pair of sweet twin girls who were conjoined.  I told them what conjoined twins are.  Maya had many questions of which I did my best to answer.  As I do.

Sabrina was quietly eating and listening.  She tends to be the listener at home, in the car.  At times in the throws of busy childhood business, it is often she that goes unnoticed.  Maya is the first born with some unwritten entitlement to be the speaker of the house, singer in the car and shower, dictator of all board games.  Layla requires us to tend to her functions so she keeps us all dancing around.

Sabrina is ingesting this all.  Up until this year - once her 7th birthday hit, she didn't use her words clearly enough to articulate her thoughts.  We just assumed that she wasn't interested.

Now the brain to mouth connection is strong.  Her ability to read and connect with pictures to understand concepts and create fuller richer ideas is strengthening.

Just between you and me, she as an infant was the scary offspring whose personality type lent itself to running the household otherwise, watch out!  Now as a bright and bubbly seven year old, her thought process scares me.  But we won't clue her into my fear.....

Now the past 7 years of life is all on the discussion table.  And no topic is barred.  Bring it!!

I do love the honesty and sincerity; all blanketed in the warmth of my assuring and protective arms.  I will speak the truth and I have trust in knowing that I speak to what my kiddies wish to know and learn about.  If ever I am not sure, if ever its starts to feel like it could be too much for them or for me, I wait.  I dig deeper.
And, I seek counsel from my gurus.

Like my daughters,  I ask those whom I trust many questions.  Then I come back to the discussion when I sort out what is right for us.  Sometimes, they bring it back to the table before I am ready for the onslaught.  Sometimes, I tell them that when I know better, I will let them know.
Sometimes, these discussions turn into an episode of Seinfeld or a late night talk show.  Sometimes I just hit the gong button.

I trust in the abundance of love that is the place that I speak to them from.  The world is under the feet that they are walking on.  They ask me questions - I love that they do.  Scary, stupid, simple, sophisticated, shitty and sweet.

They also know that if they ask me a non life threatening/safety/well being related or otherwise uninteresting question before 7am or after 8pm, I charge 25 cents per question.  

Let's go back now to Sabrina's thought process..

"Mommy, if two babies are born stuck together and the doctors unstick them, will one of them die?"

That's the question and god did I ever feels sad ..... I let the wave of sad flow through me and in that time, decided on the approach.  I said this.

"Imagine if you and Maya were twins, born at the same time, and imagine if you came out of Mommy holding one anothers hands.  Imagine if the doctor told your parents that if they separated our babies' hands that only one of them could live and the other one may not be healthy enough.  What do you think Sabrina, that we as the babies parents would do?"

She said.

"Never let go, I would hold on and never let go"

To Live, To Love, To Protect, To Honour

Living, loving, protecting and honouring - that is what I strive for with the girls.  The thing is that I plan on loving them and protecting them for the rest of my days - this life and beyond.  It's a plan, it is so. 

Can we protect them forever?  The answer is no. Right?  How am I going to protect Layla forever?

I trust that Maya will protect her life and all those that are in it, in the same way that I trust that Sabrina will protect herself from - oh I don't know -  herself!

Without thinking too far ahead, I consider the information about care for her in the future.  I mean her fuuuu-tooo-far-to-see-ture.  But what is that going to really be like for her when I'm not there.....

How do I not let my mind wander?

Sweet Sadness

Last September marked the beginning of the end and the beginning of the new - at the same time.

When your life changes and something special is ending, something special is beginning.

Something special is beginning.

There is so much more sadness in the ending.

My love.  What can I say or do now?  I love you more than life and now I have to not love you so much - our love was so sweet.  Now it is so sad.

Our daughters are so sweet.  You are a sweet dad.  You are a sweet soul.  As am I.

My sorry is sincere, my sorry is sweet and loving.  My sadness is insurmountable.

We kept making it through for so long.

I look at our daughters and am filled with deep sorrow.  But I know that sense of sorrow will pass.  Life isn't easy.  Our life  wasn't easy.  Our new life will be filled with the sweetness of our children and the specialness of our times together and the sadness of what became as it played through.  That's all I know.

Now.  September 2012.  I am letting my heart bleed freely and I cry when I feel like it.  I am letting it be.

I love you very much and our love was big.  My effort is to hold my head high, hold our love and our story with pride as I pass it onto the open body of water - the message in the bottle.   I am going to set this love free, it is mine to do so with.

I am sorry.  I really am.

"Sweet surrender, it's all that I have to give....."

If You've Got Something To Say Why Don't You Say It...

If you've got something to give why don't you give it to me.
Day after Day I have to say it.
We're moving further from Heaven
and closer to the Deep Blue Sea "

There is an intentional pause after this little verse

This pause is my own hesitation for what's on my mind.

Michael and I have been separated for almost one year now.

Who am I telling......?

I wrote the above part back in June 2012.  Now, it's a year later.  We've been untying our knot for almost 2 years now.  I'm still chasing my own tail about this life change.

A lot has changed since I wrote the blurb, for instance, I'm telling you, my lovely readers - thanks for reading by the way!!

I'm telling you that I don't understand why two people who have three young children and who loved each other so so so so much couldn't make their union work.  Theoretically, I get it.  My heart just doesn't.

My soul actually feels wounded.

I'm ready to hear stories of others who have experienced great love floating away.  So, please feel free to share your thoughts and perspectives.  It helps.

Team of Angels

"The angels on the bus say - Layla's here, Layla's here, Layla's here.  The angels on the bus say Layla's here and off we go to play....."

These lyrics are sung to the children's song "The Wheels on the Bus".

The bus picks up Layla and takes her off to daycare two times a week.  There are many many things that are special about this daycare like how it is run entirely by volunteers.  The bus picks Layla up and takes her in her wheely and she sits all proud and safe in the back of the bus with all of her little cuddly little buddies secure in the bus along with her for the ride.

The bus crew heads all the way out to East Richmond where The Carefree Society runs with - what is to me - a large number of very young children, all who have a variety of needs, and there are no parents on board.

The bus crew is brave.  Very brave.  I couldn't do it.  And not to mention, the crew is a happy bunch that start their day very early in the morning. Seriously, at that time in the morning alls I'm looking forward to is my cuppa coffee and going back to bed later that evening.  Not being on a bus with 16 kids 3 and under.  Not a chance.  Just ask Maya and Sabrina.  Sabrina would tell you straight.  Put my mommy in that bus and she will "lose her mind".  But I digress....

They get to the centre and they offload all these munchkins and out rolls Layla like she is the Queen of Richmond.
Time to play, read stories, have snacks, enjoy circle time, play games, partake in music therapy, do the goodbye song and load back up on the bus.  Homeward bound.  Each one quickly falling asleep - crashing after a long morning of commuting and play.  Busy bunnies!!

They do this all and change diapers!

These men and women of Carefree are angels.  They are real life angels.  It's like they are the ghosts of Christmas present and I'm Ebenezer Scrooge blinking my eyes in disbelief.

When I first told Maya and Sabrina that Layla was starting daycare, they were pretty excited.  Entirely different story when I broke the news about the bus coming to get her and take her.  They were not having any part of that business.   But you are a parent participation preschool mom!  You hover!  You never leave!
So off we went with Layla to check out the centre and the bus so that big sisters could get their wee heads around this unusual arrangement and sign off on it.

They too watched the process and were totally mesmerized.  "Who are all these nice people doting so kindly on our sister?"  "Layla is having a tea party with one of her little friends", and "can this bus drop us off to school too?".
Sisters approved.

Now the other children on the bus wave to us as they pull away. We look forward to the morning ritual of Layla's departure to Funland with her friends.  Her extended kin.

As the bus drives away, I am at peace.  

The Carefree Angels are kind hearted, compassionate, nurturing and make playing and caring for children of all walks of life look easy peasy.  There are more volunteers than there are children most days and these kids welcome the attention and care.  These kids thrive on extra love and supports.  These Angels of mine give me something sweet - their time.

This daycare is meant to bring benefit to the parent / guardian as much as to the child.  I am benefiting by knowing that my daughter is adored, treated with utmost kindness and respect.  They are angels giving their time, energy and goodness to our angels.

Layla continues to open up doors to places I could have never imagined.  And these places are filled with the best people.

When the Layla bus pulls up at my door it is like a dose of sunshine.  Sunshine over me and Layla.  

She's lucky to be surrounded by so many angels.  Shouldn't we all be so lucky.

Therapy

I have a really good therapist.  I believe her to be good anyway.  She is kind and repeats my thoughts and self-reflections in a certain manner.  The best way to describe it is like this:  Do you know when you talk to yourself ?  Be it out loud or in your head and there is no one (conveniently) there to answer back except for you.  With "C" she is the one responding to those voices in my head.  And she says stuff that my inner voices don't.  Wow.

It helps to have a sounding board for all those things that have nothing to with my childhood, my parents, my upbringing, teen years, the 20s (really, who needs drugs when you are in your 20s).  Because really, my past is just fine.  No, it all has to do with me right now.  Dealing with me and all that is me right now.  And the moving forward part...... that's tricky.

We take pictures to capture all the good times and good experiences, for all the other not so pleasant stuff we seek help.  Rather we can if we choose to.   And you know, it has it's benefits.  Seeking counsel that is.  I'm learning a lot about myself:

That I talk a lot
That I am slow
That it takes me a loooooooong time to get to a point if there is one.
That I love me.
That I am good

Kissmet

Tonight I watched a delicious play out here in my new hood.  By myself.  I do a lot by myself these days when M takes the kids.

The play was about fate, destiny and beliefs.  It was light, entertaining and very engaging to me.  I enjoy live theatre very much.

Here is what I believe right now.  Right here.

1.  There are no actual reason why things happen in my life, they just happen and that is life.  That is the reason.  Layla didn't happen for a "reason".  She happened and has given me reasons.

2.  That life is good.  Nature is inherently and naturally organic and good.  Birds chirp = pleasant.  Sunshine = vitamin D, bare skin, warmth = all good times.  Rain = very good.  Snow = fun for kids = happy kids = good.

3.  I believe in the Dalai Lama:  “I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…”

Dalai Lama

4.  More human kindness and action driven by this can cure most things - the energy of kindness and giving is so incredibly strong.  Try doing something really really kind and the expression that it will invoke in the receiver of your kindness will make you feel so good.  

5.  Goodness of being starts at home.  I must be better to those whom I  hold closest in my life more than anyone else that I give myself too.  

6.  Being alone with myself is ok. 

7.  When I heard that Davy Jones died recently (rip), my first thought was how much I loved the Monkee with the hat.  LLLLOOOOOVVVED

8.  I believe I am on a belief roll!

9.  This one is tricky to articulate.... 

I really want others to tell me what I know that I need to know. I like hearing what I already know in my infinite wisdom from those that love and support me.

10.  Right now I don't know everything that I am outwardly doing.  But that I am doing and leading with my heart.

11.  Fate is what happens to me during my living.  

12.  I know that nothing is wrong.   

Disconnect

Seems that my typing fingers have disconnected from my body and more importantly, my brain.
My father in law is leaving us and the family is in despair. 

What more can I say?  I'm shocked and in the throws of the upheaval of tragedy striking our family.  His brain is housing a tumor that is wreaking havoc - very suddenly, very quickly.

Two months ago, he was behaving erratically.  But, even the erraticness set on so quick, with little warning.  So much so that Mum thought he was having a chemical imbalance of sorts, or a stress-induced mental breakdown.  He went from "normal" (more or less) to talking and acting nonsensibly to calmly agreeing going to the hospital with Michael to being in an "End of life" hospice centre.

What the fuck.