A Safe Place

My two daughters - number 1 and 2 - go to the same lovely school which started 2 weeks ago.  They are using their wings and starting to soar.  It is very special to watch and let go of the grip just a little bit and it feels right to do that.  The first two weeks have been great for them. 

The past month has been a tricky one for me.  I've been anxious and panic stricken often and without much warning.  It seems to occur during times of change and transition and September was looming around the corner when all this started.  It's also my birthday month.  All three of the girls are transitioning to school, a fairly tight and action packed schedule, Layla's intervention and therapy is more goal oriented and directed with more purpose and my husband is doing his thing full steam ahead.

Someone suggested that I don't know who I am and that it is definitely possible to lose the "yourself" in the mix of raising and tending to family.  Truth is that I do know who I am.  I'm Jennifer - what you see is it.  Ta Da!!  How does one who has such a large ego lose oneself - not possible, I just would never let that happen.  But seriously, and upon trying to make some sense of the spinning head episodes and the feeling of disconnect between my head and the rest of my body reminds me that my energy source has shifted from my core to my head and that my feet aren't rooted on the earth.  I don't totally know what I'm doing right here, right now. 

Baby Buttons

Layla and sisters have all been passing around the sicky baton.  Currently being jointly held by Maya and Layla.  One is asleep with a popcorn / vomit (changes depending on the season) bucket next to her pillow and the other dreaming dreams of antibiotic sugar plums.

Amidst this, I had a thought, it goes something like this.....

Last night, as Layla lay in my arms coughing and wailing, the movie "Benjamin Buttons" flashed through my mind.  The prequel - the story of the baby that grows up very slowly.  Brad Pitt can play the part of - well Layla I suppose.  I think I would happily handle nursing, bathing and massage duties ...

All joking aside, it is comforting to be able to see some humour in many situations.  Even when I feel stuck, I know that it is so important for me to keep living and being connected to all the world around me in the ways that I seek and desire.  So that I can keep drawing from all my experiences.  Not just the difficult or challenging ones.

Today at my dear family's doctor with Layla, dear Doctor who delivered my brother and I who now strictly deals with men's health, checked Layla's chest for possible infection.  When I told him of her diagnosis, he was sad.  He told me how sorry he was to hear of this.  His sadness was so real and heartfelt.  I wanted to hug him.  Truthfully, I want to hug everyone.  As if the hugging serves as an initiation into Layla's and my world.  Welcome into my heart space. 

This does happen now and then, and it leaves me with a heavy heart.  It is not a complaint or a bad thing.  I just can't stay moved by the sadness alone. 

What I do need to do is see more movies starring Mr. Pitt and let THAT move me!  Ha ha!

Do you know it's me?

Tonight I was feeding all of my children - as I do.  Layla was perched on her high chair familiarizing with what is happening next.  She looked vacant and I was surprised that I had not noticed that or at least described that look before that way.  Vacant.

Often I wonder if she knows who I am, and if I am something meaningful to her.  She knows my voice I think.