I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart
Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
I'm falling from cloud nine
Falling from the sky I am. I am falling. I will keep you (and me) posted of the fall - I am super high up so it could take a while.
Crashing. Now that's a sure fire way of getting my head out out of my ass where it has been squarely plugged for some time.
Here's the thing......
and it's in my choices. I let my heart be my guide. I've learned to quiet the noises in my head and allow the wisdom in my heart to steer this ship.
My choices are not all smart ones - from the outside. However - and I stand by this one so strongly, I make my decisions with passion. Paaaasssssiiiiooooonnnnnn.
Living passionately is for me. My rights. My decisions.
You are not the right choice but I am passionate about you.
- June 2013
Friday, January 2, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Sailing Into 2015
Maya came home from soccer practice the evening of December 30th. She was cold, achy, tired and holding onto a golden trophy. She had won MVP for the year end soccer tournament. Maya the MVP! I hoisted her up into the air and freaked out. She has grown a lot for an 11 year old and is less than an inch to my height.
I love having so many things in my life to hoot and holler over. Maya is a gentle pillar of all things blissful in childhood. I tell her that I am in love and she hugs me. I tell her I miss my Mum and she hugs me. I tell her that life is grande and she replies yes it is. Then we call Nana (grandpa) and share the MVP excitement with him.
The girls and I are headed forward to 2015. Another year full of potential. The girls - by and large - are on track.
Layla's track is hectic, full-on and secretly very scary (but she doesn't know that and I won't let on... sshhhh). She's rarin' to go!
Sabrina's track is fitted for roller and ice skates. Literally and figuratively. She's rolling, sliding, bumping and beat boxing along into the new year.
Maya is walking tall and poised.... toward awkward adolescence. Slowly but surely. She carries the reality of magic in the back pocket of her skinny jeans - along with crumpled up candy wrappers. I do your laundry kid!!
Headed into 2015 with:
1. Resolves
The year began with my coming off of a plane, then on to being in hospital bedside with my mummy, and then - sadly but surely - into the warm and loving arms of true friends and family.
I love having so many things in my life to hoot and holler over. Maya is a gentle pillar of all things blissful in childhood. I tell her that I am in love and she hugs me. I tell her I miss my Mum and she hugs me. I tell her that life is grande and she replies yes it is. Then we call Nana (grandpa) and share the MVP excitement with him.
The girls and I are headed forward to 2015. Another year full of potential. The girls - by and large - are on track.
Layla's track is hectic, full-on and secretly very scary (but she doesn't know that and I won't let on... sshhhh). She's rarin' to go!
Sabrina's track is fitted for roller and ice skates. Literally and figuratively. She's rolling, sliding, bumping and beat boxing along into the new year.
Maya is walking tall and poised.... toward awkward adolescence. Slowly but surely. She carries the reality of magic in the back pocket of her skinny jeans - along with crumpled up candy wrappers. I do your laundry kid!!
Headed into 2015 with:
1. Resolves
- sort out my clutter in my home
- tie up loose ends and close doors that remain ajar
- turn it all up Feng Shui style
- get a job. Sitting on my arse doing nothing just makes a sane woman mad. Trust me on it.
2. Sadness in the Sunshine
....... I miss my mother terribly. I want her to come back to me so that I can caress her beautiful face and smile at one another. So that I can erase the sadness in my dad's voice and in my brother's eyes.
Whenever I went out to where Mum would be, I scour the room for her eyes.
This loss takes time to adjust to. And in this time my life continues to unfold as it will. "Mum, I am grateful that your spirit feels so close to me..... I wish for stability in this time of transition. Your spirit resides in the light and heat of the sunshine. You are glorious....."
3. Sailing On
Perhaps we are all chasing after love and security and la dee da. Or perhaps just me.... my quest to correct all that went ape-shit wrong!
Oh yeah I found all sorts of fun stuff in my search, the best finding was myself. What makes me tick, what makes me fly, what illuminates me.
Real love - in all its forms serves me. My kids - all three, all different, all them = real. Mum dying = real. Real life.
Feeling alive, spirited and having fun fuels me. I have been seeking an end and I'm kinda done with this goal. Because that would be the end of the line for me. End is death. The joy is in this journey.
The year began with my coming off of a plane, then on to being in hospital bedside with my mummy, and then - sadly but surely - into the warm and loving arms of true friends and family.
Crying on the inside, soldiering onward....
I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER
Last leg of the year, I found myself aboard a new ship,and I have certainly relished in this ride. A loving boat with one hell of a Captain. Sigh.
Now it is carrying me back home to me. Jennifer. To look after Jennifer. What's next?
Now it is carrying me back home to me. Jennifer. To look after Jennifer. What's next?
A humpy camel....
HA!!! God I am awesome :)
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
I See You .... March 5, 2014
March 5 -
I crawled into bed with you when no one was around and nobody was looking and I wrapped my arms around you. We talked about life right now. I told you how nice it was to snuggle with you like this and how you spent much of your life holding me.
You asked how the girls were. I said that they were fine and that I will go pick up Layla from preschool after here. That Maya and Sabrina were good - they were at school and school was good.
You asked where Dad was. If he was coming and whether he was on his way. What's taking him so long? I said that Dad was coming. You nodded and said good. He takes so long sometimes, you said.
You asked if Siraz was coming to see you. I said that he would be coming right after work. You smiled and said good. Bring the girls here after school, my Moni, Soni and Loni......
I am going to look after the girls Mum, really well. I am going to be the best mom to them. Yes, you must, you said. I am going to look after Dad too, make sure he's ok. He's stubborn sometimes you say. I will look after Siraz, make sure that he is ok too. You smile and nod. Good, he's a good son you say. Yes. I say, he is a very good son.
Mum, I'm going to look after you now. It's my turn to look after you. I'm going to take care of you now. I hold your face in my hands and stroke your cheek. Touch your hair. You smile at me and nod. That sounds really nice you say.
Will I get better you ask? I will hold you through this mum and I will look after you. Mum, you will. You will.....
I told you my thoughts, my hopes and what is in my heart. You told me to never regret and to live my life.
March 6 -
We had a big party and you were the guest of honour. Everyone you love came and everyone got to speak to you and you heard it all. There was talk, music and prayer. Lots of prayer. All around you and we all watched you hear us and take in the party that was held for you and you didn't want this party to end. Your loved ones turn by turn shared their thoughts with you, their memories, their jokes, their sadness and their love for you. You took it all in. You took every moment in, in your room, packed with us. With us preparing you. We let you sleep while we prayed and we stayed close.
When the party ended, Dad stayed close to you. He wanted to help you more. He would have broken every bone in his body for you Mum. In his stubborn loving Dad way.
It was just you and Dad for those moments ... only for you two to know
Then he came down the hall to where Siraz and I were sleeping. Mum, we were down the hall from you just. He told us to come. Dad prayed by your bed. Siraz and I on either side of you. We were by your side to hand you off to your guides. A handoff. I didn't take my eyes off of you Mum. I was so scared but so determined to do your sendoff gently, with integrity and courage. You gave me life, now I give you away.
....... 6:50am Friday March 7th, 2014. You were 66.
August now and I miss you. I have been crying over other things, other than you.
I am running a lot. Fueled by grief, loneliness and loss.
I am a free spirit mum. It's in my nature, but without you, my spirit has taken an entirely new flight. I am on the run, but please don't stop me. I will stop when I'm ready. Just please watch over me now and be my guide, I am alright.
Mum, you left me too soon. Left Siraz and Dad too soon. You are our missing piece. The beautiful piece. I want to call you Mum, but your not going to answer your phone.
Where did you go? It's me Mum. It's me... hum hai
I crawled into bed with you when no one was around and nobody was looking and I wrapped my arms around you. We talked about life right now. I told you how nice it was to snuggle with you like this and how you spent much of your life holding me.
You asked how the girls were. I said that they were fine and that I will go pick up Layla from preschool after here. That Maya and Sabrina were good - they were at school and school was good.
You asked where Dad was. If he was coming and whether he was on his way. What's taking him so long? I said that Dad was coming. You nodded and said good. He takes so long sometimes, you said.
You asked if Siraz was coming to see you. I said that he would be coming right after work. You smiled and said good. Bring the girls here after school, my Moni, Soni and Loni......
I am going to look after the girls Mum, really well. I am going to be the best mom to them. Yes, you must, you said. I am going to look after Dad too, make sure he's ok. He's stubborn sometimes you say. I will look after Siraz, make sure that he is ok too. You smile and nod. Good, he's a good son you say. Yes. I say, he is a very good son.
Mum, I'm going to look after you now. It's my turn to look after you. I'm going to take care of you now. I hold your face in my hands and stroke your cheek. Touch your hair. You smile at me and nod. That sounds really nice you say.
Will I get better you ask? I will hold you through this mum and I will look after you. Mum, you will. You will.....
I told you my thoughts, my hopes and what is in my heart. You told me to never regret and to live my life.
March 6 -
We had a big party and you were the guest of honour. Everyone you love came and everyone got to speak to you and you heard it all. There was talk, music and prayer. Lots of prayer. All around you and we all watched you hear us and take in the party that was held for you and you didn't want this party to end. Your loved ones turn by turn shared their thoughts with you, their memories, their jokes, their sadness and their love for you. You took it all in. You took every moment in, in your room, packed with us. With us preparing you. We let you sleep while we prayed and we stayed close.
When the party ended, Dad stayed close to you. He wanted to help you more. He would have broken every bone in his body for you Mum. In his stubborn loving Dad way.
It was just you and Dad for those moments ... only for you two to know
Then he came down the hall to where Siraz and I were sleeping. Mum, we were down the hall from you just. He told us to come. Dad prayed by your bed. Siraz and I on either side of you. We were by your side to hand you off to your guides. A handoff. I didn't take my eyes off of you Mum. I was so scared but so determined to do your sendoff gently, with integrity and courage. You gave me life, now I give you away.
....... 6:50am Friday March 7th, 2014. You were 66.
August now and I miss you. I have been crying over other things, other than you.
I am running a lot. Fueled by grief, loneliness and loss.
I am a free spirit mum. It's in my nature, but without you, my spirit has taken an entirely new flight. I am on the run, but please don't stop me. I will stop when I'm ready. Just please watch over me now and be my guide, I am alright.
Mum, you left me too soon. Left Siraz and Dad too soon. You are our missing piece. The beautiful piece. I want to call you Mum, but your not going to answer your phone.
Where did you go? It's me Mum. It's me... hum hai
Old Weed
There you stand like a soldier in the middle of a rock garden
Your head is a perfect round bulbous ball of fluff on a tall stem
waiting for me to blow
my wish
One wish for me to make. Make it wisely says my genie.
I wish that the cat would step on you
or be washed up in a downpour
simply be gone but you just wait for me
to pick you up
tear you from your land of rocks
and do to you what nature intended
I'm waiting for the moment to cave
To make the same wish. The only one that I have.
Not asking for world peace. No. That's not realistic
I blow the same
wish everytime.
I am giving my wish away
to a stranger.
The one whose eyes I can't see
My wish is out there
swirling dervish through the universe.
In his eyes is a question
and you have the answer.
I dare not look ..... you can answer another's wish
I shall deliver you
I shall not look
I shall not blow
And he will close his eyes and inhale
Exhale and as your last piece of soft silk
sails away
He will open his eyes
and you will know what to do
Your head is a perfect round bulbous ball of fluff on a tall stem
waiting for me to blow
my wish
One wish for me to make. Make it wisely says my genie.
I wish that the cat would step on you
or be washed up in a downpour
simply be gone but you just wait for me
to pick you up
tear you from your land of rocks
and do to you what nature intended
I'm waiting for the moment to cave
To make the same wish. The only one that I have.
Not asking for world peace. No. That's not realistic
I blow the same
wish everytime.
I am giving my wish away
to a stranger.
The one whose eyes I can't see
My wish is out there
swirling dervish through the universe.
In his eyes is a question
and you have the answer.
I dare not look ..... you can answer another's wish
I shall deliver you
I shall not look
I shall not blow
And he will close his eyes and inhale
Exhale and as your last piece of soft silk
sails away
He will open his eyes
and you will know what to do
Friday, August 8, 2014
Law of 85%
My rule of engagement is the Law of 85%
Everything - and I mean everything that I choose to engage in is based on this law. I am 85% certain that I should engage in any particular activity and be able to deal with the consequences. Both good and bad deeds and those deeds are all within my choosing.
I usually have to work up, and at times when I am raring to go, full steam ahead, I talk myself down to the 85% point.
It works
It gets me in trouble with myself
But at 85% certainty, I can live with the outcome.
When I'm mothering I'm at 85%. When I choose to swagger around for a good cause, I'm 85% sure of my target.
When I'm rappelling off the side of a 23 storey building for a cause that I hold close to my own heart, I'm 85% sure that I want to be pulling off this kind of stunt.
I'm not sure of the outcome, but I know that I'll be ok. Good and bad results. I'm happy that I made the choice.
Everything - and I mean everything that I choose to engage in is based on this law. I am 85% certain that I should engage in any particular activity and be able to deal with the consequences. Both good and bad deeds and those deeds are all within my choosing.
I usually have to work up, and at times when I am raring to go, full steam ahead, I talk myself down to the 85% point.
It works
It gets me in trouble with myself
But at 85% certainty, I can live with the outcome.
When I'm mothering I'm at 85%. When I choose to swagger around for a good cause, I'm 85% sure of my target.
When I'm rappelling off the side of a 23 storey building for a cause that I hold close to my own heart, I'm 85% sure that I want to be pulling off this kind of stunt.
I'm not sure of the outcome, but I know that I'll be ok. Good and bad results. I'm happy that I made the choice.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Random Acts of Magic
I am playing with words. What I want to explore right now is this thing called "Random" and to take you on the journey of seeing these Random experiences into something more Magical. More True.
Done with random. Done
It's all magic. I mean it. I know it. I'm in it. Watch how it goes...
You ever seen magic... ? Ever? I have. Come close and let me share.
Random is over used and given way too much credit. Tell me if you've heard this kind of talk before: People meet for reasons, there is a reason why you came into my life. Things happen for reasons.. everything - all the time - and we never are to know what those reasons are.
I mean it all plays out as it's going to because the clock keeps ticking and the world keeps moving. Either we are dead, asleep, living in a closet or we are moving along with life's unfolding.
So we buy into the idea that everything stewing around us is all part of this master reason. Which we are not supposed to necessarily know.
My spidey senses are just not sure if this is really true. My bird, my eagle is seeing something else going on. It's what I see. And it's all I see.
There is magic all around. Nature is magic first hand. Mankind can mess with it all we want, and the magic comes through like spring time blooms. Birds in migratory flight. Like autumn red and gold leaves. I'm not messing with that shit. It happens by the magic of nature.
I choose to see the magic happening all around me. My Magic Moments.
Specifics:
1. A few weeks ago, I had a bout of true magic. I woke up knowing something was going to happen today. ToDay. No psychic, no sign came crashing through my window. I just knew.
And it did.
Did I will it to be? No. Was it luck? No. Was it magic? Pure and simple.
2. Meet Layla.
3. This year is magic...... 2013
EDIT ~ I wrote this post in November 2013.
Done with random. Done
It's all magic. I mean it. I know it. I'm in it. Watch how it goes...
You ever seen magic... ? Ever? I have. Come close and let me share.
Random is over used and given way too much credit. Tell me if you've heard this kind of talk before: People meet for reasons, there is a reason why you came into my life. Things happen for reasons.. everything - all the time - and we never are to know what those reasons are.
I mean it all plays out as it's going to because the clock keeps ticking and the world keeps moving. Either we are dead, asleep, living in a closet or we are moving along with life's unfolding.
So we buy into the idea that everything stewing around us is all part of this master reason. Which we are not supposed to necessarily know.
My spidey senses are just not sure if this is really true. My bird, my eagle is seeing something else going on. It's what I see. And it's all I see.
There is magic all around. Nature is magic first hand. Mankind can mess with it all we want, and the magic comes through like spring time blooms. Birds in migratory flight. Like autumn red and gold leaves. I'm not messing with that shit. It happens by the magic of nature.
I choose to see the magic happening all around me. My Magic Moments.
Specifics:
1. A few weeks ago, I had a bout of true magic. I woke up knowing something was going to happen today. ToDay. No psychic, no sign came crashing through my window. I just knew.
And it did.
Did I will it to be? No. Was it luck? No. Was it magic? Pure and simple.
2. Meet Layla.
3. This year is magic...... 2013
EDIT ~ I wrote this post in November 2013.
Crab Cakes
Fact -
During the onetime, 48-hour mating session of the female blue crab, she sheds her shell and is subsequently cradled by her male partner until a new shell is formed. Once this is achieved, the male crab must scurry for his life or be attacked and consumed by his ungrateful mate.
Hmm. If only I were a crab, things would make so much sense.
;)
During the onetime, 48-hour mating session of the female blue crab, she sheds her shell and is subsequently cradled by her male partner until a new shell is formed. Once this is achieved, the male crab must scurry for his life or be attacked and consumed by his ungrateful mate.
Hmm. If only I were a crab, things would make so much sense.
;)
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