Kissmet

Tonight I watched a delicious play out here in my new hood.  By myself.  I do a lot by myself these days when M takes the kids.

The play was about fate, destiny and beliefs.  It was light, entertaining and very engaging to me.  I enjoy live theatre very much.

Here is what I believe right now.  Right here.

1.  There are no actual reason why things happen in my life, they just happen and that is life.  That is the reason.  Layla didn't happen for a "reason".  She happened and has given me reasons.

2.  That life is good.  Nature is inherently and naturally organic and good.  Birds chirp = pleasant.  Sunshine = vitamin D, bare skin, warmth = all good times.  Rain = very good.  Snow = fun for kids = happy kids = good.

3.  I believe in the Dalai Lama:  “I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness. That is clear. Whether one believes in religion or not, whether one believes in this religion or that religion, we all are seeking something better in life. So, I think, the very motion of our life is towards happiness…”

Dalai Lama

4.  More human kindness and action driven by this can cure most things - the energy of kindness and giving is so incredibly strong.  Try doing something really really kind and the expression that it will invoke in the receiver of your kindness will make you feel so good.  

5.  Goodness of being starts at home.  I must be better to those whom I  hold closest in my life more than anyone else that I give myself too.  

6.  Being alone with myself is ok. 

7.  When I heard that Davy Jones died recently (rip), my first thought was how much I loved the Monkee with the hat.  LLLLOOOOOVVVED

8.  I believe I am on a belief roll!

9.  This one is tricky to articulate.... 

I really want others to tell me what I know that I need to know. I like hearing what I already know in my infinite wisdom from those that love and support me.

10.  Right now I don't know everything that I am outwardly doing.  But that I am doing and leading with my heart.

11.  Fate is what happens to me during my living.  

12.  I know that nothing is wrong.   

Disconnect

Seems that my typing fingers have disconnected from my body and more importantly, my brain.
My father in law is leaving us and the family is in despair. 

What more can I say?  I'm shocked and in the throws of the upheaval of tragedy striking our family.  His brain is housing a tumor that is wreaking havoc - very suddenly, very quickly.

Two months ago, he was behaving erratically.  But, even the erraticness set on so quick, with little warning.  So much so that Mum thought he was having a chemical imbalance of sorts, or a stress-induced mental breakdown.  He went from "normal" (more or less) to talking and acting nonsensibly to calmly agreeing going to the hospital with Michael to being in an "End of life" hospice centre.

What the fuck.

Janice and Jeanette

I have two sisters in my life.  They are not actual siblings but they are my blood, sweat and tears.  The blood is family, the sweat is big laughter and then there are our tears that we know, between us, can run freely and safely.

My daughters are the next generation of sisters and in such brief time, have generated much blood sweat and tears between the three of them; sometimes caused by one another..

My sisters are amazing and they inspire me everyday.  Their voices are soothing, healing, loving and true.  Sometimes their voices are busy and full and others, they are plain and without much to say.  Sometimes,  their voices are filled with a void and that is when I know they might just need me on the receiving end.  To just be whatever it is that they need me to be.  No judgement, no criticism, just unconditional support and sisterhood.

My sisters know that I love them.  I love every quirky and cool piece of what makes them special and unique and searching in this world.  I too am right there with them searching..... wondering.... We must be related for we are all one in the same, but carrying out such different journeys.  Some might want to compare one to the other - as people compare siblings, naturally - but we are not to be compared.  Not until you spend some time in our individual shoes.  We are as much different as we are the same.
The sameness allows us to be a safe place for one another.  We've got each others' backs and backsides when we fall on our faces (as we do...... regularly).

The differences that are our lives are pretty neat too.  There is no upping the other when it comes to dramatics - we are all equally high maintenance.

So here is to my sisters:  Thank you for walking with me now, last week, and as we move forward into the great unknown.  We all walk with our childrens' hands in ours now.  We are mother sisters now.  But we are still the same girls that we've always been.  I will walk with you as we walk onward.  I promise you.  We know that there is an end far far away and that we - being us - are going to pull up our boots/ stilettos / sneakers and strut onwards and make the most of the long long windy road ahead.  Come what may, we'll take it.  And we are never alone.

Accomplished - Step 1

http://youtu.be/5CpaMx_2lFc


This is the beginning and it was awesome AND amazing.

Goodbye Papa

He reached out to Sabrina on his hospice bed.  She was sitting next to him and asked him how he was.
This was 2 weeks before he died.

He reached out with his right hand, his left side didn't work anymore, and he stroked her hair and said quietly - he had hardly a voice left:

"You're my special girl".

Sabrina looked at Papa and she held his arm and said "Papa, your my special boy".  And we all laughed.  Papa and Sabrina included.  Me and mum too.  Your Anne, our Nan, our mum - she's the strongest woman in the world.  She is an inspiration.

You wer fine to us just before the Easter long weekend, and diagnosed with imminent death shortly after.  The following 3 months were dark.  But we held on for dear life.  We held onto him with all our might.

July 26th, it all ended.   With peace and love and family and ......... sadness .... and honour and respect and hope.  Hope that he is in a better place.  Knowledge.  Knowing that he is gone and in a better place.

The grieving is on.

We all are touched by you Papa.  Pops.  Dad.  Craig.

Your girls are good and loved and you loved them and they love you.  When Layla looks up and sees her angels, you are now one of them.  The head of the pack.

You actually make her giggle that much more loudly.  I know she sees you bright and clear

Gone.  But never forgotten.

Love never dies

Tribute to My Mother & Father In Law

Irish Marriage Blessing 

May God be

with you and bless you.

May you see your

children's children.

May you be poor

in misfortunes

and rich in blessings.

May you know

nothing but happiness

from this day forward.

Mum and Pops - Happy 47th Wedding Anniversary.  You are the best couple I have ever known.  The best  parents I have ever seen.  

I am so proud to be your daughter-in-law.  You are remarkable people and have given me so much love.

Hang in there Pops..... we are with you all the way.  

You are the best.

Love Guru

NOTE:  written back in January - held onto it, now it's ready to go out.  All we need is love......


I am going out on a limb to channel my inner love guru to write this piece.  Consider that a head's up... this one could go anywhere.

Valentine's Day is not a day that I put much stock into.  This year, I am.  It's a day to play up the love, all the love towards everyone everywhere. 

There has been a lot of talk about love swirling around me lately, Troubles, heart aches and woes in the love department.  I'm getting the sense that the whole lot of us - you, me, our friends and neighbours are struggling a bit or a lot with our lovers.  Lovers - scary word.  I hesitate from using it because it makes me think of actors making out on TV and the intense need for me to turn away and go wash my eyes out with soap while repeating holy thoughts in my head. 

Marriages are in question.  We're doubting and questioning our happiness with our life partners. 
I am unsure but it intrigues me. 

Here are my two cents:

I think that people and relationships have evolved separately from one another.  People have a purpose and then there is the purpose of our marriage / partnership.  We check in regularly with our individual purpose,  while in our relationships - as those relationships settle  - they become routine and happen and function almost in autopilot
. 
Men hunted and gathered while women kept home and nurtured - it was a sensible balance and it works and then attachments happen within that framework.  At the end of the day, the tired men and nurturing women cuddle up for comfort and good feelings.  Sex makes sense and feels good and makes the babies to make the world go round.  It is all so practical.  Feelings are a natural by-product of all of this practicality and togetherness.

It's not like that now.  Intimacy is foreign.  Intimacy is super charged when we first meet and all that chemistry, then of course it will too settle.  After that, the rest of it, it isn't so black and white. 

After Sunday School I went to see a movie by myself - which is perfect because then I don't have to share my popcorn with anyone and I can chew really loud.   So I went to see Blue Valentine.  Several people told me that it is sad/depressing/will leave me blue/don't go see it alone or you may jump off the bridge kind of thing.  Well you know, it wasn't that sad.  At the end I didn't feel like crying.  It was a movie depicting a couple as they as individuals experience love and marriage. 

But you know I still reflect on that movie, on the sadness that runs through it .
I'd like to say that it is all good stuff, it is all learning and that love is great.  Not the love for our gadgets or for our favourite foods, shoes, shops, things.  But feeling - loving good feelings - it is great!  The world really isn't changing, people aren't getting busier - we need to experience our sensations a little more and pay attention.  What am I hoping to leave you (and me) with?  To know what you need and you'll behave in ways that will bring about getting your needs met.  We rule that;  if I want to feel love and loved I will pay it all forward first. Instead of wishing for love, give it.

Right now, I need to tell a certain someone that I love him.