Running, Crying, Running, Crying, Running, Crying,

Literally, I am running and crying.

I run.  A lot.  A few years ago, 2013 to be exact, I ran 13 half marathons.  Yup.  I did it.  I have been running since 1996, 20 glorious years.  It started as a result of my having a pretty serious health crisis.  When I was younger I was anorexic.

Yes.  Some of you know this.  It sort of went unannounced.  At 22 I hit a weight low of 59 pounds. Leading up to that magic number on the scale, my legs muscles were depleting and I wasn't able to walk.  I couldn't walk.  I was at UBC at the time, and before hitting rock bottom, my mind wasn't functioning so I couldn't study at all, I wasn't able to physically get around and when I slept I would get bed sores because my bones were digging into my flesh.  I was seriously uncomfortable. Hungry, empty, tired.  Fragile.

When I started to turn around and eat some eggs (thanks Dad), Mum took me to the track nearby home and we would slowly walk together.  I remember a lot of things from those days.  I remember clearly the feelings in my legs and feet - it was grueling - when I told her, I will never take these legs for granted again.  I said that I am going to be strong again and healthy and I am going to run.  Which I never had any interest in as a kid, but I knew that with a new commitment to good health, I will give myself the gift of running.

Boy did I ever.  I fricken ran like crazy. It has been an awesome journey of wellness - one that is not about deprivation or control, but of strength.  When I run, I feel very connected to my free spirit.  Not to mention it is great sport for hyper people like myself.

Swimming was also special when my legs didn't work.  I had a donut type of floatation device that I wore around my hips in the local pool so I wouldn't sink.  Seriously, no amount of breath holding could keep me afloat at that weight.  And I would float and work on my lower body strength.
Funny thing is, I looked like a freak.  I looked scary to children.  None the less, off to the pool I would go.  Into the sauna at the end and there was a boy around my age and he and I got to talking. He asked if I would like to go see a friend's band with him.  I looked at him and meekly said, "I am not well.... as you can see"... with my bones sticking out from beneath the skin.  He said that he could see that and that he would like to take me.  A good boy indeed.

Dad wrote me a lovely affirmation when I was coming out of that crisis.  It went something like this...

"through the divine spirit of god, the power of the universe, the magic of mother nature, I am happy, peaceful  and calm.  The light over me shines wellness all around me as well as strengthening my resolves.  I am healthy, strong and well in Mind, Body, Heart and Soul."

I went through a dynamic physical, mental and spiritual change.  I pulled through that one.

Another key memory from a low point was looking down the flight of stairs that led to our basement and wanting to fall.  I wanted to let myself fall down the stairs and let my body hit the cement wall at the bottom and lose consciousness.  Being anorexic, regaining health, getting better - it was all so hard.  Everything was so hard.  How was I going to get out of this state that I am in?

And then I saw my kids.

I knew that there was life ahead of me as a mother and that must be realized.  No exaggeration.  At that moment, everything changed.

My body has come a long way and I am dam proud of it.  Things could have easily worked out poorly for me, but instead I am strong, flexible, limber and able bodied.  I practice and teach yoga.  I run.  I walked and rolled and gave birth to three children.  I got married, and said I do.  

Looking at my little girl village now, and ending that married phase of my life, I look to them to understand the journey from "I Do" to "I Did".

My daughters even before birth are my root cause and guiders.  They were my inner strength and my strong resolve.

I think it is cool how I got through that space in my time.  There is more to this story but that is for another blog post.

While running today a song came on that made me think of Layla and her different life.  How that very universe that I trusted to help me heal my legs when they were losing their momentum is the same universe that failed to give her legs that work at all.  How ironic.  It makes me cry.  I run, I cry. I run and I cry.

As I see it, my legs make up for her frailty.  How powerful is that?  As powerful as my Mind, my Body, my Heart and my Soul.

The Dawn

Those mornings when I am with you, my head on your chest,
the first thought in my mind
is that I love you
So I tell you
Every morning that I am with you

It is the coolest thing to experience
like a bird drops a thought in my ear
and it is how it starts,
untouched by any other thought
undisturbed by my own internal makings

Total truth
and it is all that I know
first thing in the morning

It is that basic and that honest
it is unadultered, unanalyzed, unmasked by any circumstance
it is being in that moment at the break of dawn.

That moment when I know myself best. I know ......
what I see when I open my eyes
and I see you

Bat Phone

Mother's Day 2015 - A tribute to the two ladies who hold my Bat Phone.

Wikipedia defines Bat Phone as such:

A bat phone often has some or all of the following properties:

• It gets answered outside of working hours
• It does not make the caller wait on hold or navigate through cumbersome voice menus
• The line rings straight through to high-level management or technicians without having to be transferred from front lines.
• The number is only given to selected people
• Shields technical personnel from receiving irrelevant calls

Bat phones are common in many industries. The phone numbers are typically given to key customers so that they may reach important individuals in case of emergencies or critical situations. Bat phones can also provide direct access to politicians or notable people.^[1]

These two gals have not changed my life.  Nope.  Rather, I have changed theirs.  With all of my bullshit.

These two gals know TMI.  Way TMI. WTMI.

These two gals are indeed "notable people".

These two gals understand my needy and provide large cushy pillows on which I fall ..... when I am in toil and strife (like really, how dramatic can I be? - just ask these two, they know), when my marriage is going to hell, when I am pregnant and mortified that I am pregnant right when my marriage is going to hell, when I introduce them to my special needs newborn baby, when I am separated and scared, when I am good and well, when I am ready to date, when I am turning into the new me......when I am in a pickle, when I turn into a pickle.  You get the picture.

These two have been through it all for the past 7 years.  

These two do not look at me and shake their heads - which they should really 

These two smile and laugh and help me find the punchline

These two accompany me through my very intimate highs and lows.

These two celebrate my milestones and encourage me to play hard and love harder

These two suggest resources, options, affirmations, yoga poses, books, birth control and gently used clothing.

They held my heart gently when my mum died.  

These two are Jenna and Sarah.  You came into my life as a gift. I sought something when I knew I needed help.  You two answered my calling.

These two answered my bat phone.  You answer my calls.  I love you both.

These two create a space for me to master the art of parenting.  Am I mastering it?  Hell no.  But I am part of a parent group that these two facilitate.  Participating in this group is one of the best choices that I made when I realized that parenting requires effort. And that effort, like anything that has value and worth - deserves hard work and care.  

These two have taught me that parenting requires me - the parent - to be compassionate and caring and present with myself.  To be the Alpha parent and woman that I am.  

These two have let me schlepp on the comfy couch with a whole box of kleenex while pouring me a cup of tea (see.... needy!!) 

These two have rang in my birthday with laughter and raunch. Together, we have kicked up our heels.

My Mentors in Parenthood, in teaching Compassion, Empathy, Non Judgement, Joy, Lightheartedness, Healing, Living for the Now, and General Awesomeness

These two have answered the Bat Phone

Jenna and Sarah.  You two are Bleepin Awesome.  

Kindergarten Report Card

Dear Nominating Committee:

Please receive this letter of support for two teachers being nominated for the Prime Minister’s Award for Teaching Excellence – Kathleen Paiger and Ellen Reid.

I am a parent at Manoah Steves Elementary School with three daughters attending, one of whom is in Kindergarten taught by Mrs. Kathleen Paiger.  Layla McKay is a bright, delightful, and sensitive little girl with special needs. 

Mrs. Paiger, has introduced into her K class a variety of creative, multi-modal methods and teaching techniques in order to create a fulfilling and enriching kindergarten experience for my little girl.

This little girl who is visually impaired, non-verbal, non-mobile and wheelchair bound, and is fully dependent on all her mobility and self-care needs.  But there is no woe is she.  Not in this space, not in this class.  Not with this teacher. There is no time for that.  And she and the children in the class make a point of embracing Layla as a capable and equal member of the classroom.

Two classrooms actually.  Kathleen along with Mrs. Ellen Reid, the K/1 teacher across the hall have allowed both classes to come together and collaborate on their Kindergarten adventures.  Along the way, establishing extra benefits for Layla, with the children across the hall embracing and including her with open arms also. 

The spirit of community and “no walls” is obvious with this collaboration of classes. I have always stood by the notion that it takes a village to raise a child.  These teachers embrace this village mentality – almost like a sense of family – two villages sharing experiences, stories, activities and adventures.  Reducing the likelihood of cliques and any “me versus them” attitude. 

Having a special needs daughter with such great livelihood challenges creates much anxiety for me when it comes to her future compared to her older two “typical” sisters.  Starting Kindergarten was mighty scary – for both me and her father.  To the extent that her dad was concerned that she go at all at this time.  Fear for her wellbeing, and also how she will be received, how she will be cared for, how she will be included.

What a year this first year of Layla’s academic life has been.  Kathleen and Ellen have created a beautiful foundation for Layla’s social and academic possibilities.  I move forward with my head held high because these two professionals have raised the bar for me.  I see more possibilities for this child.  There is no ceiling. She, with all of her neurological unknowns, will develop.  She can be taught and she will learn.  And the children in these two classrooms will challenge me if I say that Layla is not able – oh no, they will show me what she can do.  Her peers will show me how Layla “talks” to them, uses an iPad to do her work, and how she leads then through gym class with “Layla Says”. 

I knew that incorporating Layla into this wonderful neighbourhood school would be no simple feat – what with equipment, change tables, g-tube needs and all the rest of her care requirements – and it had its stressors, for us, her team.  However, for this Kindergarten student, her transition into elementary school has been very “typical”.  Mrs. Paiger and Mrs. Reid have risen to the occasion with a diligent, creative and confident approach.  Suddenly, my anxiety sailed away into the sunset….

Layla’s future as a student will be bright and filled with an empathetic and compassionate environment, with the foundation laid in her Kindergarten experience.  Her beautiful school village.  

With this letter, I am acknowledging these professional’s extra efforts that go beyond the dictated curriculum, in my humble opinion.  This is something greater that cannot be measured by a standard appraisal but by the richer community that they are creating for all the children they guide.  What they do in this school is huge. Far greater than what we – the average parent – gives Kindergarten teachers credit for.  I hold them in high regard and respect for opening up doors and bringing down walls, literally, for my daughter, and creating an incredible model for inclusivity. 

I am my daughter’s legs, these lovely teachers have given her wings to fly.

Sincerely,

Jennifer R McKay

Proudest Mom Ever ;)

How I handle Loneliness.... (Feb 2012)

I am recently estranged from my husband. We have three great children whom we adore. Over the years together we have made many mistakes, errors, misgivings in our relationship and our marriage and in our ability to be whole parents to our daughters. It is sad. We are both sad. I'm sure at some level our daughters are sad. How could they not be? Each one was conceived with so much love and want. Their little lives are so precious to us as all of your children are. So why do the two of us function so poorly together?
How do I cope with being lonely as a single parent? I don't cope. Nor do I dwell on the question "why". It is not productive. I focus on all that is good and for all that I am grateful for. It took hard work to make children and raise a family. I focus on the joys of the work and to take one day at a time. One foot in front of the next.

My youngest daughter is 2 and a half. She has a rare genetic disorder which makes her moderately and globally disabled.

This is not what I expected from my life. To be separated, having such a challenged child. To be so lonely at this stage in my life. But. I am happy. And, I have three little lives to nurture. Doing that in return nurtures me.

Life is a journey and I'm journeying with love and passion. That is my choice. No matter what.

I wish all single parents joy and a lot of strength on your roads ahead. We are not alone. xo

Passion Party..... ouch

I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
I'm falling from cloud nine

Falling from the sky I am. I am falling.  I will keep you (and me) posted of the fall - I am super high up so it could take a while.

Crashing.  Now that's a sure fire way of getting my head out out of my ass where it has been squarely plugged for some time.

Here's the thing......
and it's in my choices.  I let my heart be my guide.  I've learned to quiet the noises in my head and allow the wisdom in my heart to steer this ship.

My choices are not all smart ones - from the outside.  However - and I stand by this one so strongly, I make my decisions with passion.  Paaaasssssiiiiooooonnnnnn.

Living passionately is for me. My rights. My decisions.

You are not the right choice but I am passionate about you.

- June 2013

Sailing Into 2015

Maya came home from soccer practice the evening of December 30th.  She was cold, achy, tired and holding onto a golden trophy. She had won MVP for the year end soccer tournament.  Maya the MVP!  I hoisted her up into the air and freaked out.  She has grown a lot for an 11 year old and is less than an inch to my height.
I love having so many things in my life to hoot and holler over.  Maya is a gentle pillar of all things blissful in childhood.  I tell her that I am in love and she hugs me.  I tell her I miss my Mum and she hugs me.  I tell her that life is grande and she replies yes it is.  Then we call Nana (grandpa) and share the MVP excitement with him.

The girls and I are headed forward to 2015.  Another year full of potential.  The girls - by and large - are on track.
Layla's track is hectic, full-on and secretly very scary (but she doesn't know that and I won't let on... sshhhh).  She's rarin' to go!
Sabrina's track is fitted for roller and ice skates.  Literally and figuratively.  She's rolling, sliding, bumping and beat boxing along into the new year.
Maya is walking tall and poised.... toward awkward adolescence. Slowly but surely.  She carries the reality of magic in the back pocket of her skinny jeans - along with crumpled up candy wrappers.  I do your laundry kid!!

Headed into 2015 with:

1.  Resolves

• sort out my clutter in my home
• tie up loose ends and close doors that remain ajar
• turn it all up Feng Shui style
• get a job.  Sitting on my arse doing nothing just makes a sane woman mad.  Trust me on it.

2.  Sadness in the Sunshine

....... I miss my mother terribly.  I want her to come back to me so that I can caress her beautiful face and smile at one another.  So that I can erase the sadness in my dad's voice and in my brother's eyes.

Whenever I went out to where Mum would be, I scour the room for her eyes. 

This loss takes time to adjust to.  And in this time my life continues to unfold as it will.  "Mum, I am grateful that your spirit feels so close to me..... I wish for stability in this time of transition.  Your spirit resides in the light and heat of the sunshine.  You are glorious....."

3.  Sailing On

Perhaps we are all chasing after love and security and la dee da.  Or perhaps just me.... my quest to correct all that went ape-shit wrong!

Oh yeah I found all sorts of fun stuff in my search, the best finding was myself.  What makes me tick, what makes me fly, what illuminates me.

Real love - in all its forms serves me.  My kids - all three, all different, all them = real.  Mum dying = real. Real life.

Feeling alive, spirited and having fun fuels me.  I have been seeking an end and I'm kinda done with this goal.  Because that would be the end of the line for me.  End is death.  The joy is in this journey.

The year began with my coming off of a plane, then on to being in hospital bedside with my mummy, and then - sadly but surely - into the warm and loving arms of true friends and family.

Crying on the inside, soldiering onward....

I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER

Last leg of the year, I found myself aboard a new ship,and I have certainly relished in this ride. A loving boat with one hell of a Captain. Sigh.
Now it is carrying me back home to me.  Jennifer.  To look after Jennifer.   What's next?

A humpy camel....

HA!!!  God I am awesome :)