Seems that my typing fingers have disconnected from my body and more importantly, my brain.
My father in law is leaving us and the family is in despair.
What more can I say? I'm shocked and in the throws of the upheaval of tragedy striking our family. His brain is housing a tumor that is wreaking havoc - very suddenly, very quickly.
Two months ago, he was behaving erratically. But, even the erraticness set on so quick, with little warning. So much so that Mum thought he was having a chemical imbalance of sorts, or a stress-induced mental breakdown. He went from "normal" (more or less) to talking and acting nonsensibly to calmly agreeing going to the hospital with Michael to being in an "End of life" hospice centre.
What the fuck.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Janice and Jeanette
I have two sisters in my life. They are not actual siblings but they are my blood, sweat and tears. The blood is family, the sweat is big laughter and then there are our tears that we know, between us, can run freely and safely.
My daughters are the next generation of sisters and in such brief time, have generated much blood sweat and tears between the three of them; sometimes caused by one another..
My sisters are amazing and they inspire me everyday. Their voices are soothing, healing, loving and true. Sometimes their voices are busy and full and others, they are plain and without much to say. Sometimes, their voices are filled with a void and that is when I know they might just need me on the receiving end. To just be whatever it is that they need me to be. No judgement, no criticism, just unconditional support and sisterhood.
My sisters know that I love them. I love every quirky and cool piece of what makes them special and unique and searching in this world. I too am right there with them searching..... wondering.... We must be related for we are all one in the same, but carrying out such different journeys. Some might want to compare one to the other - as people compare siblings, naturally - but we are not to be compared. Not until you spend some time in our individual shoes. We are as much different as we are the same.
The sameness allows us to be a safe place for one another. We've got each others' backs and backsides when we fall on our faces (as we do...... regularly).
The differences that are our lives are pretty neat too. There is no upping the other when it comes to dramatics - we are all equally high maintenance.
So here is to my sisters: Thank you for walking with me now, last week, and as we move forward into the great unknown. We all walk with our childrens' hands in ours now. We are mother sisters now. But we are still the same girls that we've always been. I will walk with you as we walk onward. I promise you. We know that there is an end far far away and that we - being us - are going to pull up our boots/ stilettos / sneakers and strut onwards and make the most of the long long windy road ahead. Come what may, we'll take it. And we are never alone.
My daughters are the next generation of sisters and in such brief time, have generated much blood sweat and tears between the three of them; sometimes caused by one another..
My sisters are amazing and they inspire me everyday. Their voices are soothing, healing, loving and true. Sometimes their voices are busy and full and others, they are plain and without much to say. Sometimes, their voices are filled with a void and that is when I know they might just need me on the receiving end. To just be whatever it is that they need me to be. No judgement, no criticism, just unconditional support and sisterhood.
My sisters know that I love them. I love every quirky and cool piece of what makes them special and unique and searching in this world. I too am right there with them searching..... wondering.... We must be related for we are all one in the same, but carrying out such different journeys. Some might want to compare one to the other - as people compare siblings, naturally - but we are not to be compared. Not until you spend some time in our individual shoes. We are as much different as we are the same.
The sameness allows us to be a safe place for one another. We've got each others' backs and backsides when we fall on our faces (as we do...... regularly).
The differences that are our lives are pretty neat too. There is no upping the other when it comes to dramatics - we are all equally high maintenance.
So here is to my sisters: Thank you for walking with me now, last week, and as we move forward into the great unknown. We all walk with our childrens' hands in ours now. We are mother sisters now. But we are still the same girls that we've always been. I will walk with you as we walk onward. I promise you. We know that there is an end far far away and that we - being us - are going to pull up our boots/ stilettos / sneakers and strut onwards and make the most of the long long windy road ahead. Come what may, we'll take it. And we are never alone.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Goodbye Papa
He reached out to Sabrina on his hospice bed. She was sitting next to him and asked him how he was.
This was 2 weeks before he died.
He reached out with his right hand, his left side didn't work anymore, and he stroked her hair and said quietly - he had hardly a voice left:
"You're my special girl".
Sabrina looked at Papa and she held his arm and said "Papa, your my special boy". And we all laughed. Papa and Sabrina included. Me and mum too. Your Anne, our Nan, our mum - she's the strongest woman in the world. She is an inspiration.
You wer fine to us just before the Easter long weekend, and diagnosed with imminent death shortly after. The following 3 months were dark. But we held on for dear life. We held onto him with all our might.
July 26th, it all ended. With peace and love and family and ......... sadness .... and honour and respect and hope. Hope that he is in a better place. Knowledge. Knowing that he is gone and in a better place.
The grieving is on.
We all are touched by you Papa. Pops. Dad. Craig.
Your girls are good and loved and you loved them and they love you. When Layla looks up and sees her angels, you are now one of them. The head of the pack.
You actually make her giggle that much more loudly. I know she sees you bright and clear
Gone. But never forgotten.
Love never dies
This was 2 weeks before he died.
He reached out with his right hand, his left side didn't work anymore, and he stroked her hair and said quietly - he had hardly a voice left:
"You're my special girl".
Sabrina looked at Papa and she held his arm and said "Papa, your my special boy". And we all laughed. Papa and Sabrina included. Me and mum too. Your Anne, our Nan, our mum - she's the strongest woman in the world. She is an inspiration.
You wer fine to us just before the Easter long weekend, and diagnosed with imminent death shortly after. The following 3 months were dark. But we held on for dear life. We held onto him with all our might.
July 26th, it all ended. With peace and love and family and ......... sadness .... and honour and respect and hope. Hope that he is in a better place. Knowledge. Knowing that he is gone and in a better place.
The grieving is on.
We all are touched by you Papa. Pops. Dad. Craig.
Your girls are good and loved and you loved them and they love you. When Layla looks up and sees her angels, you are now one of them. The head of the pack.
You actually make her giggle that much more loudly. I know she sees you bright and clear
Gone. But never forgotten.
Love never dies
Monday, June 27, 2011
Tribute to My Mother & Father In Law
Irish Marriage Blessing
May God be
with you and bless you.
May you see your
children's children.
May you be poor
in misfortunes
and rich in blessings.
May you know
nothing but happiness
from this day forward.
Mum and Pops - Happy 47th Wedding Anniversary. You are the best couple I have ever known. The best parents I have ever seen.
I am so proud to be your daughter-in-law. You are remarkable people and have given me so much love.
Hang in there Pops..... we are with you all the way.
You are the best.
Love Guru
NOTE: written back in January - held onto it, now it's ready to go out. All we need is love......
I am going out on a limb to channel my inner love guru to write this piece. Consider that a head's up... this one could go anywhere.
Valentine's Day is not a day that I put much stock into. This year, I am. It's a day to play up the love, all the love towards everyone everywhere.
There has been a lot of talk about love swirling around me lately, Troubles, heart aches and woes in the love department. I'm getting the sense that the whole lot of us - you, me, our friends and neighbours are struggling a bit or a lot with our lovers. Lovers - scary word. I hesitate from using it because it makes me think of actors making out on TV and the intense need for me to turn away and go wash my eyes out with soap while repeating holy thoughts in my head.
Marriages are in question. We're doubting and questioning our happiness with our life partners.
I am unsure but it intrigues me.
Here are my two cents:
I think that people and relationships have evolved separately from one another. People have a purpose and then there is the purpose of our marriage / partnership. We check in regularly with our individual purpose, while in our relationships - as those relationships settle - they become routine and happen and function almost in autopilot
.
Men hunted and gathered while women kept home and nurtured - it was a sensible balance and it works and then attachments happen within that framework. At the end of the day, the tired men and nurturing women cuddle up for comfort and good feelings. Sex makes sense and feels good and makes the babies to make the world go round. It is all so practical. Feelings are a natural by-product of all of this practicality and togetherness.
It's not like that now. Intimacy is foreign. Intimacy is super charged when we first meet and all that chemistry, then of course it will too settle. After that, the rest of it, it isn't so black and white.
After Sunday School I went to see a movie by myself - which is perfect because then I don't have to share my popcorn with anyone and I can chew really loud. So I went to see Blue Valentine. Several people told me that it is sad/depressing/will leave me blue/don't go see it alone or you may jump off the bridge kind of thing. Well you know, it wasn't that sad. At the end I didn't feel like crying. It was a movie depicting a couple as they as individuals experience love and marriage.
But you know I still reflect on that movie, on the sadness that runs through it .
I'd like to say that it is all good stuff, it is all learning and that love is great. Not the love for our gadgets or for our favourite foods, shoes, shops, things. But feeling - loving good feelings - it is great! The world really isn't changing, people aren't getting busier - we need to experience our sensations a little more and pay attention. What am I hoping to leave you (and me) with? To know what you need and you'll behave in ways that will bring about getting your needs met. We rule that; if I want to feel love and loved I will pay it all forward first. Instead of wishing for love, give it.
Right now, I need to tell a certain someone that I love him.
I am going out on a limb to channel my inner love guru to write this piece. Consider that a head's up... this one could go anywhere.
Valentine's Day is not a day that I put much stock into. This year, I am. It's a day to play up the love, all the love towards everyone everywhere.
There has been a lot of talk about love swirling around me lately, Troubles, heart aches and woes in the love department. I'm getting the sense that the whole lot of us - you, me, our friends and neighbours are struggling a bit or a lot with our lovers. Lovers - scary word. I hesitate from using it because it makes me think of actors making out on TV and the intense need for me to turn away and go wash my eyes out with soap while repeating holy thoughts in my head.
Marriages are in question. We're doubting and questioning our happiness with our life partners.
I am unsure but it intrigues me.
Here are my two cents:
I think that people and relationships have evolved separately from one another. People have a purpose and then there is the purpose of our marriage / partnership. We check in regularly with our individual purpose, while in our relationships - as those relationships settle - they become routine and happen and function almost in autopilot
.
Men hunted and gathered while women kept home and nurtured - it was a sensible balance and it works and then attachments happen within that framework. At the end of the day, the tired men and nurturing women cuddle up for comfort and good feelings. Sex makes sense and feels good and makes the babies to make the world go round. It is all so practical. Feelings are a natural by-product of all of this practicality and togetherness.
It's not like that now. Intimacy is foreign. Intimacy is super charged when we first meet and all that chemistry, then of course it will too settle. After that, the rest of it, it isn't so black and white.
After Sunday School I went to see a movie by myself - which is perfect because then I don't have to share my popcorn with anyone and I can chew really loud. So I went to see Blue Valentine. Several people told me that it is sad/depressing/will leave me blue/don't go see it alone or you may jump off the bridge kind of thing. Well you know, it wasn't that sad. At the end I didn't feel like crying. It was a movie depicting a couple as they as individuals experience love and marriage.
But you know I still reflect on that movie, on the sadness that runs through it .
I'd like to say that it is all good stuff, it is all learning and that love is great. Not the love for our gadgets or for our favourite foods, shoes, shops, things. But feeling - loving good feelings - it is great! The world really isn't changing, people aren't getting busier - we need to experience our sensations a little more and pay attention. What am I hoping to leave you (and me) with? To know what you need and you'll behave in ways that will bring about getting your needs met. We rule that; if I want to feel love and loved I will pay it all forward first. Instead of wishing for love, give it.
Right now, I need to tell a certain someone that I love him.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
no title - just read
The results of the 2 year old MRI came back. Her brain is continuing to show a few irregularities. Particularly the back of her brain, area affecting vision. There is a section of her spine that is filled with fluid - another anomaly.
The doctor asked us if she is generally a happy child and we said yes, very proudly. Pushing us through the pain of her state of affairs.
The next day I snuck out of the house at 6:00am to go to an early morning yoga class. The teacher had us moving through postures to the point of resting us in child's pose where we curl into ourselves, curl into our heart. Here I inhaled into my chest ribs and belly as to inflate myself, and then teacher guided us to exhale slow long and steady - releasing what is of no use to us to move forward and to move better.
I exhaled the question "why?" I let it run down my back like water. And I continue to use this technique while breathing when I am standing, walking or sitting. Breathing out the word why in my mind over and over and over.
When experiencing any loss or pain, there are things that we just can not come to terms with. Asking the question why - I can not come to terms with this and asking it of myself and to the universe is really painful and debilitating.
Breathing in what I need and releasing the feelings that I don't need is helpful on the other hand. Not to mention that choosing to live with the pain side of the fence takes the energy away from my holding her up and being the extension of her limited body.
2 years later and I am still motivated to write about my sadness, I am still typing and emoting.
She has the body of a small 2 year old and some abilities of a 6 month old. After telling me this so very kindly, the doctor extended his hand to reach mine and told me that I'm a really good mother to her. Thank you for saying that to me. I'm trying my best.
The doctor asked us if she is generally a happy child and we said yes, very proudly. Pushing us through the pain of her state of affairs.
The next day I snuck out of the house at 6:00am to go to an early morning yoga class. The teacher had us moving through postures to the point of resting us in child's pose where we curl into ourselves, curl into our heart. Here I inhaled into my chest ribs and belly as to inflate myself, and then teacher guided us to exhale slow long and steady - releasing what is of no use to us to move forward and to move better.
I exhaled the question "why?" I let it run down my back like water. And I continue to use this technique while breathing when I am standing, walking or sitting. Breathing out the word why in my mind over and over and over.
When experiencing any loss or pain, there are things that we just can not come to terms with. Asking the question why - I can not come to terms with this and asking it of myself and to the universe is really painful and debilitating.
Breathing in what I need and releasing the feelings that I don't need is helpful on the other hand. Not to mention that choosing to live with the pain side of the fence takes the energy away from my holding her up and being the extension of her limited body.
2 years later and I am still motivated to write about my sadness, I am still typing and emoting.
She has the body of a small 2 year old and some abilities of a 6 month old. After telling me this so very kindly, the doctor extended his hand to reach mine and told me that I'm a really good mother to her. Thank you for saying that to me. I'm trying my best.
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