Fifty and Fabulous Friend

Dear Fiona,

Picture it, 2010 to 2012, wonderful years, hard years.  Time passes, time heals.

My grounding = holding Maya's little hand in mine - tightly and warm, she settled my footing back to the earth.

My grounding = Sabrina's sweet wee sunshiny face, happy and free reminding me that happiness is abundant (do it for her the voices whispered..... do this for her......the voice whispers still), this settled my heart.

My ground = Fiona.

In the late hours of the weekdays, you would show up at my door and packed up my life.  Your two daughters the same age as my younger two - 2 and 5, you showed up.

I was in a fog and immobilized by fear, uncertainty, and riddled with anxiety; I did not know what to do.  You did.

Friends show up.  Friends support.  Friends help find each other's ground with love, laughter, and light.  I moved away and my friend, you along with my daughters still ground me.  

And you are now my emergency out-of-town contact lol!   I know you'll show up ready for action, boxes in hand. 

My friend, on your 50th Birthday, this post is for you.  

Thank you.  I love you.

xo J

don't

You are gone

I don"t know how to love anymore 

How are you little girl?

Dear Layla,

Happy Sunday darling, you're not home today.  You are not at your dad's either.  Two days ago, you started at - I don't know what to call it - a care centre.  Your sisters call it camp, but it's not.

"why aren't you normal, why are you like this so I have to take you there.... I don't have to but I did, and I am not ready......"

I've been dreading putting you into an outside care place since you were about 9 months old - you know, that time when I snapped out of my denial - that you were going to be my special needs baby.

"so much is coming up for me.. why am I not married - ugh.  The thoughts are crazy, I wish you were home, all of your work makes my brain not go squirrel-y and it is right now, I'm going nuts"

You are  only 11 and you are probably wondering where the hell I went, why have I abandoned you.

"I'm crying , I've been crying since Friday, and I don't want this to be your life, I don't want to have to give up on any of my babies, and I'm giving up on you"

I hope you are enjoying and relaxing and getting doted on  (by a bunch of effing strangers that I don't even know".   You're in a home.  It's weird.

You've shaped my life over these past 11 years and I am not sure where to put this particular leg of our journey.

We are going to come and visit you tomorrow, Maya and Sabrina and I - maybe Julia.  I've taken the week off to give myself some time to work through this transition of you getting outsourced.  I know you are wondering where I am, SO AM I.  I don't like this feeling of having to put you in a care home.  UGH!

"make this stop, make yourself not be disabled, just make this go away"

It's Sunday, it's Father's Day.  I haven't stopped crying in two days, and I just wish someone would wrap me up a warm blanket and cradle me.  I'm jealous little dude, you got a team of caregivers to yourself - I just want a good human to grow old with (shoot me right now)

Believe me whoever is reading this, this is very hard for me.

Honey, we have so many amazing, loyal, generous and loving friends and family in our life - we are surrounded and supported but me your mum feels sad and very alone right now.

"Can someone just make me breakfast...."

That's it for now, baby girl, I'll see you tomorrow.  I hope you are showing the caregivers your sass, your fire and your charm.  Give it to them good - that you definitely don't need me for.  I love you and I miss you so much

"I can take care of you fully and completely, I'll carry you forever honeybunny, I'll carry you til I'm dead"

- Mummy xox (Sunday June 20th.2020)

Challenged Parenting

Doing Something. Towards Solutions. 

This time it was late in 2007 and Sabrina was a little over two years and baby Maya was 4 years old.  Michael and I were going through dark times.  He was in a bad place and I was left to hold the fort, but I was in the dark myself.  Unsure of what was happening to my partner.  But I knew this was big and I um, started having what I know now to be panic attacks.  There were times that I was curled into a ball in a corner of a room while the girls played and I would pick a friend of Michael to call.  "What is going on....?"

The answers ranged but were similar in that they listened and told me that I would be alright. No answers but lots of comfort.

2017 and no answers.  But I don't ask questions that no longer matter.

I was not comforted, I was afraid of how I was going to function through this round of tough times.

I found a listing for a parent group in a local newspaper and it sounded interesting.  I called, went through an intake process over the phone and I was invited to meet with this group when it met one night a week.  And there was babysitting so to bring the children.

There was a couch and two facilitators and several parents that greeted me.  After introductions, parents one by one shared.  My turn, I just cried...  box of kleenex was handed to me and I let it all out.  

The next few weeks I cried less and between blowing my sobbing nose in tissues, I started to share and I put everything that was happening on the table.  We would together commisserate, advise, relate to one another, ask question, discuss, refer to authors and books, make notes all while drinking hot cups of tea on big comfy couches. 

A respectful group in a safe place.  I focussed on parenting and on the needs of my children - one step at a time.  Here I was able to blow away the clouds of life and hunker down on parenting skills and building family in times of uncertainty and in times of my own anxiety elevating.

No one thing can fix everything.  But because I had focus and I CHOSE to focus this period on my children's best I was able to find some footing and the parent group helped direct all of this.

I'm Alright

As of 2018, I am a divorced woman. 

A good number of people have told me over my years of being separated that due to my "baggage", I probably won't marry again.  

These many people telling me this are my family members.  Opinions full of support and wisdom and oh such hope.  My family members refer to my life with my three daughters as "baggage".  You wondering where I'm headed with this?

Here.

Maya, Sabrina and Layla don't like being referred to as baggage. They think it's rude and mean.  They take offense to those words, as they should.

By the way, I tell my 3 baggages things.  I tell them to respect their elders.  But please do honour the feelings of whatever comes up for you behind that respect. I can't be responsible for other people's actions, but I can best guide my girls.

What I don't share is my family members telling me that no man will take me for more than a sex object, because of all that baggage.   

The people saying this are stupid.  

This talk is not supportive nor is it true.  You call my life baggage, I will correct you.  

I will marry again. And to that future man of mine, you will be the luckiest guy in this good world;  My kids say so.

Hugs n kisses (just not to the stupids)

Jen

Merry Christmas 2019

Good morning Layla,

Today is Sunday and it's breakfast time.  You are awake and cheerful.  You are 10 years old, wow.  You are so special, with that beautiful smile.

 "Why?"

Because,

That's how nature, God, science made you.  And your being a unique person means that we, your family, build our own story as we raise you, share our lives together.  

We feed you slowly.  Full of care and patience.  We learn to multi-task. Tidying up is our thing.

We carry your body and we learn how to use our bodies as your carriage.  Our legs, arms and backs become stronger.  

We get more organized, because in a flash,  you could seize or, you can decide to change your own diapers and wreak utter havoc with it.  Our home is streamlined for your care.  We love streamlined. 

In challenging times, we learn how to be patient and find tools to manage our own stress and helplessness.   It is hard for you, and we acknowledge that it is hard for us too.  We learn how to be there for each other, physically and emotionally.  

When you harm yourself, we become your human shields.  Offering you a firm grip.  Protecting you, and soothing you too.  It hurts us when you hurt yourself...

We become teachers, giving you lessons of being gentle to others, and repeating over and over to always be gentle.... gentle...gentle.  

We are learning to protect ourselves so that can protect you.  Maya puts her wrist brace on first before helping lift you and your chair.

We communicate more as a family to talk thru the hard times, laugh more because some of this is funny, and if we have, to we cry it out, so that our feelings are acknowledged and so we can reset.  We say sorry more and check in with our egos often.  We need each other to look after you, so we do.  Unapologetically.  

Layla, you have made our family closer.  Our home, built around your growing physical needs grows more and more beautiful and we love it.  We are becoming amazing designers of creating lovely spaces.  

I think we extend love better too.  We are learning about the implicit quiet nature of love and kindness towards others.  We know first hand the necessity of building a strong,  committed community around us and for us.  We need it, I need it... this is so tough.  We understand what commitment truly is. I am committed to you, sometimes I mess it up but I always recover. 

I am a better mother to all three of you because of you.  I can look after many many things because I know what true committed love is.  I do. 

That beauty that pople see when they look at Maya and Sabrina (and you), it's their inner compassion and empathy shining out because of the simple and oh so complicated act of you being born their sister.

We love our lives more and take for granted less and focus positively as we wheelchair you.  

You are our life guide.  

Thank you Layla for the gifts that are all you.

Merry Christmas my baby. 

The Best

Summer of 2014 and Layla was starting Kindergarten and I had much to do.

Teachers are on job action from back in June and carrying on into summer - it's August and by the end of the month I am to meet with her Teacher and Education Assistant to discuss gradual entry - to discuss this huge stage in her life and mine. 

I am nervous and ready.  But, school is closed, no teach to talk to and, well, looks like school isn't even going to start come September.    For Maya who is 11 / G 6 and Sabrina 9 G4, this was pretty nice.  No school until October!
Nothing happened, so my anxious wait for the start of school was milling in my head.

Nothing.  And then there was something that would change everything....

The principal - Ms Taylor phones me and asks if she could come over and meet with Layla - I mean she already was familiar with her when I picked up the girls after school, she often met and greeted kid sister in the hallways.   But this meeting was to talk about Kindergarten and the Layla Plan.  Coming to my home was unorthodox but given the picket lines, I wasn't going to cross - nor was the wheelchair!   She told me she was bringing Layla's potential EA.  Ok, I said.  What else would I do.

They came and met with me and Layla and we discussed.  In theory this all sounded good.  Little did I know that in a month and a half when school started, that Layla's entry into public school and the years following , would be hand in hand with an assistant who is even more special than Layla.

That fateful day in the Summer of 2014 Mrs. Cameron came into Layla's life  and I tell you .... she is the best thing ever.  And the world (or even only the 12 people reading this post) needs to know this.  I sing her praises as Layla's Assistant, her pal, her care provider, her guide.   My peace of mind.
And I sing her praises now, here in the post titled "The Best", because she is.  The best - not because she is leaving the job, or because anything has happened - but just because she is. 

Welcome to Holland

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......


When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go.

Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved




.... these are not my words but they are neat, and resonate with me after having Layla.  My flight didn't just redirect, I totally went to another planet.  And I am still on it.  Its called Richmond, I'm kidding.

Running, Crying, Running, Crying, Running, Crying,

Literally, I am running and crying.

I run.  A lot.  A few years ago, 2013 to be exact, I ran 13 half marathons.  Yup.  I did it.  I have been running since 1996, 20 glorious years.  It started as a result of my having a pretty serious health crisis.  When I was younger I was anorexic.

Yes.  Some of you know this.  It sort of went unannounced.  At 22 I hit a weight low of 59 pounds. Leading up to that magic number on the scale, my legs muscles were depleting and I wasn't able to walk.  I couldn't walk.  I was at UBC at the time, and before hitting rock bottom, my mind wasn't functioning so I couldn't study at all, I wasn't able to physically get around and when I slept I would get bed sores because my bones were digging into my flesh.  I was seriously uncomfortable. Hungry, empty, tired.  Fragile.

When I started to turn around and eat some eggs (thanks Dad), Mum took me to the track nearby home and we would slowly walk together.  I remember a lot of things from those days.  I remember clearly the feelings in my legs and feet - it was grueling - when I told her, I will never take these legs for granted again.  I said that I am going to be strong again and healthy and I am going to run.  Which I never had any interest in as a kid, but I knew that with a new commitment to good health, I will give myself the gift of running.

Boy did I ever.  I fricken ran like crazy. It has been an awesome journey of wellness - one that is not about deprivation or control, but of strength.  When I run, I feel very connected to my free spirit.  Not to mention it is great sport for hyper people like myself.

Swimming was also special when my legs didn't work.  I had a donut type of floatation device that I wore around my hips in the local pool so I wouldn't sink.  Seriously, no amount of breath holding could keep me afloat at that weight.  And I would float and work on my lower body strength.
Funny thing is, I looked like a freak.  I looked scary to children.  None the less, off to the pool I would go.  Into the sauna at the end and there was a boy around my age and he and I got to talking. He asked if I would like to go see a friend's band with him.  I looked at him and meekly said, "I am not well.... as you can see"... with my bones sticking out from beneath the skin.  He said that he could see that and that he would like to take me.  A good boy indeed.

Dad wrote me a lovely affirmation when I was coming out of that crisis.  It went something like this...

"through the divine spirit of god, the power of the universe, the magic of mother nature, I am happy, peaceful  and calm.  The light over me shines wellness all around me as well as strengthening my resolves.  I am healthy, strong and well in Mind, Body, Heart and Soul."

I went through a dynamic physical, mental and spiritual change.  I pulled through that one.

Another key memory from a low point was looking down the flight of stairs that led to our basement and wanting to fall.  I wanted to let myself fall down the stairs and let my body hit the cement wall at the bottom and lose consciousness.  Being anorexic, regaining health, getting better - it was all so hard.  Everything was so hard.  How was I going to get out of this state that I am in?

And then I saw my kids.

I knew that there was life ahead of me as a mother and that must be realized.  No exaggeration.  At that moment, everything changed.

My body has come a long way and I am dam proud of it.  Things could have easily worked out poorly for me, but instead I am strong, flexible, limber and able bodied.  I practice and teach yoga.  I run.  I walked and rolled and gave birth to three children.  I got married, and said I do.  

Looking at my little girl village now, and ending that married phase of my life, I look to them to understand the journey from "I Do" to "I Did".

My daughters even before birth are my root cause and guiders.  They were my inner strength and my strong resolve.

I think it is cool how I got through that space in my time.  There is more to this story but that is for another blog post.

While running today a song came on that made me think of Layla and her different life.  How that very universe that I trusted to help me heal my legs when they were losing their momentum is the same universe that failed to give her legs that work at all.  How ironic.  It makes me cry.  I run, I cry. I run and I cry.

As I see it, my legs make up for her frailty.  How powerful is that?  As powerful as my Mind, my Body, my Heart and my Soul.

The Dawn

Those mornings when I am with you, my head on your chest,
the first thought in my mind
is that I love you
So I tell you
Every morning that I am with you

It is the coolest thing to experience
like a bird drops a thought in my ear
and it is how it starts,
untouched by any other thought
undisturbed by my own internal makings

Total truth
and it is all that I know
first thing in the morning

It is that basic and that honest
it is unadultered, unanalyzed, unmasked by any circumstance
it is being in that moment at the break of dawn.

That moment when I know myself best. I know ......
what I see when I open my eyes
and I see you

Bat Phone

Mother's Day 2015 - A tribute to the two ladies who hold my Bat Phone.

Wikipedia defines Bat Phone as such:

A bat phone often has some or all of the following properties:

• It gets answered outside of working hours
• It does not make the caller wait on hold or navigate through cumbersome voice menus
• The line rings straight through to high-level management or technicians without having to be transferred from front lines.
• The number is only given to selected people
• Shields technical personnel from receiving irrelevant calls

Bat phones are common in many industries. The phone numbers are typically given to key customers so that they may reach important individuals in case of emergencies or critical situations. Bat phones can also provide direct access to politicians or notable people.^[1]

These two gals have not changed my life.  Nope.  Rather, I have changed theirs.  With all of my bullshit.

These two gals know TMI.  Way TMI. WTMI.

These two gals are indeed "notable people".

These two gals understand my needy and provide large cushy pillows on which I fall ..... when I am in toil and strife (like really, how dramatic can I be? - just ask these two, they know), when my marriage is going to hell, when I am pregnant and mortified that I am pregnant right when my marriage is going to hell, when I introduce them to my special needs newborn baby, when I am separated and scared, when I am good and well, when I am ready to date, when I am turning into the new me......when I am in a pickle, when I turn into a pickle.  You get the picture.

These two have been through it all for the past 7 years.  

These two do not look at me and shake their heads - which they should really 

These two smile and laugh and help me find the punchline

These two accompany me through my very intimate highs and lows.

These two celebrate my milestones and encourage me to play hard and love harder

These two suggest resources, options, affirmations, yoga poses, books, birth control and gently used clothing.

They held my heart gently when my mum died.  

These two are Jenna and Sarah.  You came into my life as a gift. I sought something when I knew I needed help.  You two answered my calling.

These two answered my bat phone.  You answer my calls.  I love you both.

These two create a space for me to master the art of parenting.  Am I mastering it?  Hell no.  But I am part of a parent group that these two facilitate.  Participating in this group is one of the best choices that I made when I realized that parenting requires effort. And that effort, like anything that has value and worth - deserves hard work and care.  

These two have taught me that parenting requires me - the parent - to be compassionate and caring and present with myself.  To be the Alpha parent and woman that I am.  

These two have let me schlepp on the comfy couch with a whole box of kleenex while pouring me a cup of tea (see.... needy!!) 

These two have rang in my birthday with laughter and raunch. Together, we have kicked up our heels.

My Mentors in Parenthood, in teaching Compassion, Empathy, Non Judgement, Joy, Lightheartedness, Healing, Living for the Now, and General Awesomeness

These two have answered the Bat Phone

Jenna and Sarah.  You two are Bleepin Awesome.  

Kindergarten Report Card

Dear Nominating Committee:

Please receive this letter of support for two teachers being nominated for the Prime Minister’s Award for Teaching Excellence – Kathleen Paiger and Ellen Reid.

I am a parent at Manoah Steves Elementary School with three daughters attending, one of whom is in Kindergarten taught by Mrs. Kathleen Paiger.  Layla McKay is a bright, delightful, and sensitive little girl with special needs. 

Mrs. Paiger, has introduced into her K class a variety of creative, multi-modal methods and teaching techniques in order to create a fulfilling and enriching kindergarten experience for my little girl.

This little girl who is visually impaired, non-verbal, non-mobile and wheelchair bound, and is fully dependent on all her mobility and self-care needs.  But there is no woe is she.  Not in this space, not in this class.  Not with this teacher. There is no time for that.  And she and the children in the class make a point of embracing Layla as a capable and equal member of the classroom.

Two classrooms actually.  Kathleen along with Mrs. Ellen Reid, the K/1 teacher across the hall have allowed both classes to come together and collaborate on their Kindergarten adventures.  Along the way, establishing extra benefits for Layla, with the children across the hall embracing and including her with open arms also. 

The spirit of community and “no walls” is obvious with this collaboration of classes. I have always stood by the notion that it takes a village to raise a child.  These teachers embrace this village mentality – almost like a sense of family – two villages sharing experiences, stories, activities and adventures.  Reducing the likelihood of cliques and any “me versus them” attitude. 

Having a special needs daughter with such great livelihood challenges creates much anxiety for me when it comes to her future compared to her older two “typical” sisters.  Starting Kindergarten was mighty scary – for both me and her father.  To the extent that her dad was concerned that she go at all at this time.  Fear for her wellbeing, and also how she will be received, how she will be cared for, how she will be included.

What a year this first year of Layla’s academic life has been.  Kathleen and Ellen have created a beautiful foundation for Layla’s social and academic possibilities.  I move forward with my head held high because these two professionals have raised the bar for me.  I see more possibilities for this child.  There is no ceiling. She, with all of her neurological unknowns, will develop.  She can be taught and she will learn.  And the children in these two classrooms will challenge me if I say that Layla is not able – oh no, they will show me what she can do.  Her peers will show me how Layla “talks” to them, uses an iPad to do her work, and how she leads then through gym class with “Layla Says”. 

I knew that incorporating Layla into this wonderful neighbourhood school would be no simple feat – what with equipment, change tables, g-tube needs and all the rest of her care requirements – and it had its stressors, for us, her team.  However, for this Kindergarten student, her transition into elementary school has been very “typical”.  Mrs. Paiger and Mrs. Reid have risen to the occasion with a diligent, creative and confident approach.  Suddenly, my anxiety sailed away into the sunset….

Layla’s future as a student will be bright and filled with an empathetic and compassionate environment, with the foundation laid in her Kindergarten experience.  Her beautiful school village.  

With this letter, I am acknowledging these professional’s extra efforts that go beyond the dictated curriculum, in my humble opinion.  This is something greater that cannot be measured by a standard appraisal but by the richer community that they are creating for all the children they guide.  What they do in this school is huge. Far greater than what we – the average parent – gives Kindergarten teachers credit for.  I hold them in high regard and respect for opening up doors and bringing down walls, literally, for my daughter, and creating an incredible model for inclusivity. 

I am my daughter’s legs, these lovely teachers have given her wings to fly.

Sincerely,

Jennifer R McKay

Proudest Mom Ever ;)

How I handle Loneliness.... (Feb 2012)

I am recently estranged from my husband. We have three great children whom we adore. Over the years together we have made many mistakes, errors, misgivings in our relationship and our marriage and in our ability to be whole parents to our daughters. It is sad. We are both sad. I'm sure at some level our daughters are sad. How could they not be? Each one was conceived with so much love and want. Their little lives are so precious to us as all of your children are. So why do the two of us function so poorly together?
How do I cope with being lonely as a single parent? I don't cope. Nor do I dwell on the question "why". It is not productive. I focus on all that is good and for all that I am grateful for. It took hard work to make children and raise a family. I focus on the joys of the work and to take one day at a time. One foot in front of the next.

My youngest daughter is 2 and a half. She has a rare genetic disorder which makes her moderately and globally disabled.

This is not what I expected from my life. To be separated, having such a challenged child. To be so lonely at this stage in my life. But. I am happy. And, I have three little lives to nurture. Doing that in return nurtures me.

Life is a journey and I'm journeying with love and passion. That is my choice. No matter what.

I wish all single parents joy and a lot of strength on your roads ahead. We are not alone. xo

Passion Party..... ouch

I was in the dark
I was falling hard
With an open heart

Falling from cloud nine
Crashing from the high
I'm letting go tonight
I'm falling from cloud nine

Falling from the sky I am. I am falling.  I will keep you (and me) posted of the fall - I am super high up so it could take a while.

Crashing.  Now that's a sure fire way of getting my head out out of my ass where it has been squarely plugged for some time.

Here's the thing......
and it's in my choices.  I let my heart be my guide.  I've learned to quiet the noises in my head and allow the wisdom in my heart to steer this ship.

My choices are not all smart ones - from the outside.  However - and I stand by this one so strongly, I make my decisions with passion.  Paaaasssssiiiiooooonnnnnn.

Living passionately is for me. My rights. My decisions.

You are not the right choice but I am passionate about you.

- June 2013

Sailing Into 2015

Maya came home from soccer practice the evening of December 30th.  She was cold, achy, tired and holding onto a golden trophy. She had won MVP for the year end soccer tournament.  Maya the MVP!  I hoisted her up into the air and freaked out.  She has grown a lot for an 11 year old and is less than an inch to my height.
I love having so many things in my life to hoot and holler over.  Maya is a gentle pillar of all things blissful in childhood.  I tell her that I am in love and she hugs me.  I tell her I miss my Mum and she hugs me.  I tell her that life is grande and she replies yes it is.  Then we call Nana (grandpa) and share the MVP excitement with him.

The girls and I are headed forward to 2015.  Another year full of potential.  The girls - by and large - are on track.
Layla's track is hectic, full-on and secretly very scary (but she doesn't know that and I won't let on... sshhhh).  She's rarin' to go!
Sabrina's track is fitted for roller and ice skates.  Literally and figuratively.  She's rolling, sliding, bumping and beat boxing along into the new year.
Maya is walking tall and poised.... toward awkward adolescence. Slowly but surely.  She carries the reality of magic in the back pocket of her skinny jeans - along with crumpled up candy wrappers.  I do your laundry kid!!

Headed into 2015 with:

1.  Resolves

• sort out my clutter in my home
• tie up loose ends and close doors that remain ajar
• turn it all up Feng Shui style
• get a job.  Sitting on my arse doing nothing just makes a sane woman mad.  Trust me on it.

2.  Sadness in the Sunshine

....... I miss my mother terribly.  I want her to come back to me so that I can caress her beautiful face and smile at one another.  So that I can erase the sadness in my dad's voice and in my brother's eyes.

Whenever I went out to where Mum would be, I scour the room for her eyes. 

This loss takes time to adjust to.  And in this time my life continues to unfold as it will.  "Mum, I am grateful that your spirit feels so close to me..... I wish for stability in this time of transition.  Your spirit resides in the light and heat of the sunshine.  You are glorious....."

3.  Sailing On

Perhaps we are all chasing after love and security and la dee da.  Or perhaps just me.... my quest to correct all that went ape-shit wrong!

Oh yeah I found all sorts of fun stuff in my search, the best finding was myself.  What makes me tick, what makes me fly, what illuminates me.

Real love - in all its forms serves me.  My kids - all three, all different, all them = real.  Mum dying = real. Real life.

Feeling alive, spirited and having fun fuels me.  I have been seeking an end and I'm kinda done with this goal.  Because that would be the end of the line for me.  End is death.  The joy is in this journey.

The year began with my coming off of a plane, then on to being in hospital bedside with my mummy, and then - sadly but surely - into the warm and loving arms of true friends and family.

Crying on the inside, soldiering onward....

I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I got soul but I'm not a soldier
I GOT SOUL BUT I'M NOT A SOLDIER

Last leg of the year, I found myself aboard a new ship,and I have certainly relished in this ride. A loving boat with one hell of a Captain. Sigh.
Now it is carrying me back home to me.  Jennifer.  To look after Jennifer.   What's next?

A humpy camel....

HA!!!  God I am awesome :)

I See You .... March 5, 2014

March 5 -

I crawled into bed with you when no one was around and nobody was looking and I wrapped my arms around you.  We talked about life right now.  I told you how nice it was to snuggle with you like this and how you spent much of your life holding me.

You asked how the girls were.  I said that they were fine and that I will go pick up Layla from preschool after here.  That Maya and Sabrina were good - they were at school and school was good.

You asked where Dad was.  If he was coming and whether he was on his way. What's taking him so long?  I said that Dad was coming.  You nodded and said good.  He takes so long sometimes, you said.

You asked if Siraz was coming to see you.  I said that he would be coming right after work.  You smiled and said good.  Bring the girls here after school, my Moni, Soni and Loni......

I am going to look after the girls Mum, really well.  I am going to be the best mom to them.  Yes, you must, you said.  I am going to look after Dad too, make sure he's ok.  He's stubborn sometimes you say.  I will look after Siraz, make sure that he is ok too.  You smile and nod.  Good, he's a good son you say.  Yes.  I say, he is a very good son.

Mum, I'm going to look after you now.  It's my turn to look after you.  I'm going to take care of you now.  I hold your face in my hands and stroke your cheek.  Touch your hair.  You smile at me and nod.  That sounds really nice you say.

Will I get better you ask?  I will hold you through this mum and I will look after you.  Mum, you will.  You will.....

I told you my thoughts, my hopes and what is in my heart.  You told me to never regret and to live my life.

March 6 -

We had a big party and you were the guest of honour.  Everyone you love came and everyone got to speak to you and you heard it all.  There was talk, music and prayer.  Lots of prayer.  All around you and we all watched you hear us and take in the party that was held for you and you didn't want this party to end.  Your loved ones turn by turn shared their thoughts with you, their memories, their jokes, their sadness and their love for you.  You took it all in.  You took every moment in, in your room, packed with us.  With us preparing you.  We let you sleep while we prayed and we stayed close.

When the party ended, Dad stayed close to you.  He wanted to help you more.  He would have broken every bone in his body for you Mum.  In his stubborn loving Dad way.
It was just you and Dad for those moments ... only for you two to know

Then he came down the hall to where Siraz and I were sleeping.  Mum, we were down the hall from you just.  He told us to come.  Dad prayed by your bed.  Siraz and I on either side of you.  We were by your side to hand you off to your guides.  A handoff.  I didn't take my eyes off of you Mum.  I was so scared but so determined to do your sendoff gently, with integrity and courage.  You gave me life, now I give you away.

....... 6:50am Friday March 7th, 2014.  You were 66.


August now and I miss you.  I have been crying over other things, other than you.
I am running a lot.  Fueled by grief, loneliness and loss.

I am a free spirit mum.  It's in my nature, but without you, my spirit has taken an entirely new flight.  I am on the run, but please don't stop me.  I will stop when I'm ready.  Just please watch over me now and be my guide, I am alright.

Mum, you left me too soon.  Left Siraz and Dad too soon.  You are our missing piece.  The beautiful piece.  I want to call you Mum, but your not going to answer your phone.

Where did you go? It's me Mum.  It's me... hum hai

Old Weed

There you stand like a soldier in the middle of a rock garden
Your head is a perfect round bulbous ball of fluff on a tall stem
waiting for me to blow
my wish

One wish for me to make.  Make it wisely says my genie.
I wish that the cat would step on you
or be washed up in a downpour
simply be gone but you just wait for me
to pick you up

tear you from your land of rocks

and do to you what nature intended

I'm waiting for the moment to cave
To make the same wish.  The only one that I have.
Not asking for world peace.  No. That's not realistic
I blow the same

wish everytime.  

I am giving my wish away
to a stranger.

The one whose eyes I can't see

My wish is out there
swirling dervish through the universe.

In his eyes is a question
and you have the answer.
I dare not look ..... you can answer another's wish
I shall deliver you
I shall not look
I shall not blow

And he will close his eyes and inhale
Exhale and as your last piece of soft silk
sails away

He will open his eyes
and you will know what to do

Law of 85%

My rule of engagement is the Law of 85%

Everything - and I mean everything that I choose to engage in is based on this law.  I am 85% certain that I should engage in any particular activity and be able to deal with the consequences.  Both good and bad deeds and those deeds are all within my choosing.

I usually have to work up, and at times when I am raring to go, full steam ahead, I talk myself down to the 85% point.

It works

It gets me in trouble with myself

But at 85% certainty, I can live with the outcome.

When I'm mothering I'm at 85%.  When I choose to swagger around for a good cause, I'm 85% sure of my target.

When I'm rappelling off the side of a 23 storey building for a cause that I hold close to my own heart, I'm 85% sure that I want to be pulling off this kind of stunt.

I'm not sure of the outcome, but I know that I'll be ok.  Good and bad results.  I'm happy that I made the choice.

Random Acts of Magic

I am playing with words.  What I want to explore right now is this thing called "Random" and to take you on the journey of seeing these Random experiences into something more Magical.  More True.

Done with random.  Done

It's all magic.  I mean it.  I know it.  I'm in it.  Watch how it goes...

You ever seen magic... ?  Ever?  I have.  Come close and let me share.

Random is over used and given way too much credit.  Tell me if you've heard this kind of talk before:  People meet for reasons, there is a reason why you came into my life.  Things happen for reasons.. everything - all the time - and we never are to know what those reasons are.

I mean it all plays out as it's going to because the clock keeps ticking and the world keeps moving.  Either we are dead, asleep, living in a closet or we are moving along with life's unfolding.

So we buy into the idea that everything stewing around us is all part of this master reason.  Which we are not supposed to necessarily know.

My spidey senses are just not sure if this is really true.  My bird, my eagle is seeing something else going on.  It's what I see. And it's all I see.

There is magic all around.  Nature is magic first hand.  Mankind can mess with it all we want, and the magic comes through like spring time blooms.  Birds in migratory flight.  Like autumn red and gold leaves.  I'm not messing with that shit.  It happens by the magic of nature.

I choose to see the magic happening all around me.  My Magic Moments.

Specifics:

1.  A few weeks ago, I had a bout of true magic.  I woke up knowing something was going to happen today.  ToDay.  No psychic, no sign came crashing through my window.  I just knew.

And it did.

Did I will it to be?  No.  Was it luck?  No.  Was it magic?  Pure and simple.

2.  Meet Layla.

3.  This year is magic......  2013

EDIT ~ I wrote this post in November 2013.

Crab Cakes

Fact -

During the onetime, 48-hour mating session of the female blue crab, she sheds her shell and is subsequently cradled by her male partner until a new shell is formed.  Once this is achieved, the male crab must scurry for his life or be attacked and consumed by his ungrateful mate.

Hmm.  If only I were a crab, things would make so much sense.

;)