I See You .... March 5, 2014

March 5 -

I crawled into bed with you when no one was around and nobody was looking and I wrapped my arms around you.  We talked about life right now.  I told you how nice it was to snuggle with you like this and how you spent much of your life holding me.

You asked how the girls were.  I said that they were fine and that I will go pick up Layla from preschool after here.  That Maya and Sabrina were good - they were at school and school was good.

You asked where Dad was.  If he was coming and whether he was on his way. What's taking him so long?  I said that Dad was coming.  You nodded and said good.  He takes so long sometimes, you said.

You asked if Siraz was coming to see you.  I said that he would be coming right after work.  You smiled and said good.  Bring the girls here after school, my Moni, Soni and Loni......

I am going to look after the girls Mum, really well.  I am going to be the best mom to them.  Yes, you must, you said.  I am going to look after Dad too, make sure he's ok.  He's stubborn sometimes you say.  I will look after Siraz, make sure that he is ok too.  You smile and nod.  Good, he's a good son you say.  Yes.  I say, he is a very good son.

Mum, I'm going to look after you now.  It's my turn to look after you.  I'm going to take care of you now.  I hold your face in my hands and stroke your cheek.  Touch your hair.  You smile at me and nod.  That sounds really nice you say.

Will I get better you ask?  I will hold you through this mum and I will look after you.  Mum, you will.  You will.....

I told you my thoughts, my hopes and what is in my heart.  You told me to never regret and to live my life.

March 6 -

We had a big party and you were the guest of honour.  Everyone you love came and everyone got to speak to you and you heard it all.  There was talk, music and prayer.  Lots of prayer.  All around you and we all watched you hear us and take in the party that was held for you and you didn't want this party to end.  Your loved ones turn by turn shared their thoughts with you, their memories, their jokes, their sadness and their love for you.  You took it all in.  You took every moment in, in your room, packed with us.  With us preparing you.  We let you sleep while we prayed and we stayed close.

When the party ended, Dad stayed close to you.  He wanted to help you more.  He would have broken every bone in his body for you Mum.  In his stubborn loving Dad way.
It was just you and Dad for those moments ... only for you two to know

Then he came down the hall to where Siraz and I were sleeping.  Mum, we were down the hall from you just.  He told us to come.  Dad prayed by your bed.  Siraz and I on either side of you.  We were by your side to hand you off to your guides.  A handoff.  I didn't take my eyes off of you Mum.  I was so scared but so determined to do your sendoff gently, with integrity and courage.  You gave me life, now I give you away.

....... 6:50am Friday March 7th, 2014.  You were 66.


August now and I miss you.  I have been crying over other things, other than you.
I am running a lot.  Fueled by grief, loneliness and loss.

I am a free spirit mum.  It's in my nature, but without you, my spirit has taken an entirely new flight.  I am on the run, but please don't stop me.  I will stop when I'm ready.  Just please watch over me now and be my guide, I am alright.

Mum, you left me too soon.  Left Siraz and Dad too soon.  You are our missing piece.  The beautiful piece.  I want to call you Mum, but your not going to answer your phone.

Where did you go? It's me Mum.  It's me... hum hai

Old Weed

There you stand like a soldier in the middle of a rock garden
Your head is a perfect round bulbous ball of fluff on a tall stem
waiting for me to blow
my wish

One wish for me to make.  Make it wisely says my genie.
I wish that the cat would step on you
or be washed up in a downpour
simply be gone but you just wait for me
to pick you up

tear you from your land of rocks

and do to you what nature intended

I'm waiting for the moment to cave
To make the same wish.  The only one that I have.
Not asking for world peace.  No. That's not realistic
I blow the same

wish everytime.  

I am giving my wish away
to a stranger.

The one whose eyes I can't see

My wish is out there
swirling dervish through the universe.

In his eyes is a question
and you have the answer.
I dare not look ..... you can answer another's wish
I shall deliver you
I shall not look
I shall not blow

And he will close his eyes and inhale
Exhale and as your last piece of soft silk
sails away

He will open his eyes
and you will know what to do

Law of 85%

My rule of engagement is the Law of 85%

Everything - and I mean everything that I choose to engage in is based on this law.  I am 85% certain that I should engage in any particular activity and be able to deal with the consequences.  Both good and bad deeds and those deeds are all within my choosing.

I usually have to work up, and at times when I am raring to go, full steam ahead, I talk myself down to the 85% point.

It works

It gets me in trouble with myself

But at 85% certainty, I can live with the outcome.

When I'm mothering I'm at 85%.  When I choose to swagger around for a good cause, I'm 85% sure of my target.

When I'm rappelling off the side of a 23 storey building for a cause that I hold close to my own heart, I'm 85% sure that I want to be pulling off this kind of stunt.

I'm not sure of the outcome, but I know that I'll be ok.  Good and bad results.  I'm happy that I made the choice.