Literally, I am running and crying.
I run. A lot. A few years ago, 2013 to be exact, I ran 13 half marathons. Yup. I did it. I have been running since 1996, 20 glorious years. It started as a result of my having a pretty serious health crisis. When I was younger I was anorexic.
Yes. Some of you know this. It sort of went unannounced. At 22 I hit a weight low of 59 pounds. Leading up to that magic number on the scale, my legs muscles were depleting and I wasn't able to walk. I couldn't walk. I was at UBC at the time, and before hitting rock bottom, my mind wasn't functioning so I couldn't study at all, I wasn't able to physically get around and when I slept I would get bed sores because my bones were digging into my flesh. I was seriously uncomfortable. Hungry, empty, tired. Fragile.
When I started to turn around and eat some eggs (thanks Dad), Mum took me to the track nearby home and we would slowly walk together. I remember a lot of things from those days. I remember clearly the feelings in my legs and feet - it was grueling - when I told her, I will never take these legs for granted again. I said that I am going to be strong again and healthy and I am going to run. Which I never had any interest in as a kid, but I knew that with a new commitment to good health, I will give myself the gift of running.
Boy did I ever. I fricken ran like crazy. It has been an awesome journey of wellness - one that is not about deprivation or control, but of strength. When I run, I feel very connected to my free spirit. Not to mention it is great sport for hyper people like myself.
Swimming was also special when my legs didn't work. I had a donut type of floatation device that I wore around my hips in the local pool so I wouldn't sink. Seriously, no amount of breath holding could keep me afloat at that weight. And I would float and work on my lower body strength.
Funny thing is, I looked like a freak. I looked scary to children. None the less, off to the pool I would go. Into the sauna at the end and there was a boy around my age and he and I got to talking. He asked if I would like to go see a friend's band with him. I looked at him and meekly said, "I am not well.... as you can see"... with my bones sticking out from beneath the skin. He said that he could see that and that he would like to take me. A good boy indeed.
Dad wrote me a lovely affirmation when I was coming out of that crisis. It went something like this...
"through the divine spirit of god, the power of the universe, the magic of mother nature, I am happy, peaceful and calm. The light over me shines wellness all around me as well as strengthening my resolves. I am healthy, strong and well in Mind, Body, Heart and Soul."
I went through a dynamic physical, mental and spiritual change. I pulled through that one.
Another key memory from a low point was looking down the flight of stairs that led to our basement and wanting to fall. I wanted to let myself fall down the stairs and let my body hit the cement wall at the bottom and lose consciousness. Being anorexic, regaining health, getting better - it was all so hard. Everything was so hard. How was I going to get out of this state that I am in?
And then I saw my kids.
I knew that there was life ahead of me as a mother and that must be realized. No exaggeration. At that moment, everything changed.
My body has come a long way and I am dam proud of it. Things could have easily worked out poorly for me, but instead I am strong, flexible, limber and able bodied. I practice and teach yoga. I run. I walked and rolled and gave birth to three children. I got married, and said I do.
Looking at my little girl village now, and ending that married phase of my life, I look to them to understand the journey from "I Do" to "I Did".
My daughters even before birth are my root cause and guiders. They were my inner strength and my strong resolve.
I think it is cool how I got through that space in my time. There is more to this story but that is for another blog post.
While running today a song came on that made me think of Layla and her different life. How that very universe that I trusted to help me heal my legs when they were losing their momentum is the same universe that failed to give her legs that work at all. How ironic. It makes me cry. I run, I cry. I run and I cry.
As I see it, my legs make up for her frailty. How powerful is that? As powerful as my Mind, my Body, my Heart and my Soul.
