Yesterday was play day. We were at the school playground and Layla, Maya, Me and Sabrina were each on a swing - lined up side by side in that order. And we all soared high up to the sky with no fear of falling off. Just flying together. It was metaphoric. Mind you I can stretch anything into a metaphor.... but that is what is cool about me.
As a kid, I would soar up on the swings and I would daydream about my life ahead.
Yesterday I was swinging in the present moment of my life and like us four girls swinging, there was total momentum.
This week Sabrina has been flying on her bike, riding confidently and safely (for her that means a helmet on her head and moving right into trying to stand on the bike as she goes 80 km / hour). I watch her and I am really really proud with a lump in my throat.
Layla has been soaring. Playing on her play mat and with her friends. She and her friends at preschool are - well, this one makes me weepy. Because, she has friends and they love her. There is so much good in her life. Why am I always so surprised and humbled by her world...?
Monday, July 15, 2013
Mothe?r Bear
Inspiration comes at me all the time. In spurts, when I'm otherwise occupied, but today - tonight, it has happenned once again and here I am.
We are at my in-laws house for Easter weekend. I am headed upstairs to bed when I reach the top of the stairs to face a picture. A picture of three girls looking off into the distance while all huddled loosely together. These are my girls, but what I see is the youngest of the three standing tall - and how mine isn't.
Why does she not work?
Let me take you to the NICU (nursery) two years ago.......
At first, it wasn't obvious that my child would be disabled. I was given a pamphlet on cleft palates - telling me how I wouldn't be able to breast feed in this particular situation.
Alright. I won't breastfeed. Wow. That's all I knew. I lay back on my cot and considered that one, thinking shit - that's wierd. Put down the pamphlet and ask the nurse for a pump and some bottles so that we can feed the babe. Let's go. Just another way of doing things with some babies.
And then time went by in our little room. She and I together hanging out. My mother in law coming by to pick me up and take me for a walk, my brother, mum and dad, friends, well wishers. I can't recall..... much of anything....
Michael and the girls. Him putting on a brave front in front of Maya and Sabrina to celebrate the birth of their kid sister - oh were they ever happy. They sure uplifted me. It was so nice having all of my children together with baby's first few days of life, even though we weren't at home together. We made it work.
I read three books. Not epic books or anything. But that reading I believe now, in retrospect was a means for my body not to crumble. Escape. Gentle easing myself into accepting such a heart wrenching reality of something wrong with my innocent and perfect little baby. My baby. My birth, my pregnancy. Mine to hold responsibility for. Mine to get my head and heart around. Mine to be strong about and mine to move forward with.
Here I am editing this particular blog post, a year later. This one will build. This one is mine to add onto as I go on my journey with Layla. The pain is great I won't lie. I love that girl so much and I am so sorry if I did anything wrong to do this to her.
It has to be said. Because it is how I feel whether right or wrong. Nobody can tell me otherwise. Now, I do my best to make up for the loss of her being a regular functioning person. Don't reprimand me for this. This is a part of my reality, a little part, but a part never the less.
Right now, it is October 2012 and Michael and I are separated. Our family has come apart and redirected and taken a new shape. I don't have a companion that is a grown up. I have my little buddies, they are my little companions. We all need companionship. I do.
One day. One day. For now, I will spend some time by myself.
We are at my in-laws house for Easter weekend. I am headed upstairs to bed when I reach the top of the stairs to face a picture. A picture of three girls looking off into the distance while all huddled loosely together. These are my girls, but what I see is the youngest of the three standing tall - and how mine isn't.
Why does she not work?
Let me take you to the NICU (nursery) two years ago.......
At first, it wasn't obvious that my child would be disabled. I was given a pamphlet on cleft palates - telling me how I wouldn't be able to breast feed in this particular situation.
Alright. I won't breastfeed. Wow. That's all I knew. I lay back on my cot and considered that one, thinking shit - that's wierd. Put down the pamphlet and ask the nurse for a pump and some bottles so that we can feed the babe. Let's go. Just another way of doing things with some babies.
And then time went by in our little room. She and I together hanging out. My mother in law coming by to pick me up and take me for a walk, my brother, mum and dad, friends, well wishers. I can't recall..... much of anything....
Michael and the girls. Him putting on a brave front in front of Maya and Sabrina to celebrate the birth of their kid sister - oh were they ever happy. They sure uplifted me. It was so nice having all of my children together with baby's first few days of life, even though we weren't at home together. We made it work.
I read three books. Not epic books or anything. But that reading I believe now, in retrospect was a means for my body not to crumble. Escape. Gentle easing myself into accepting such a heart wrenching reality of something wrong with my innocent and perfect little baby. My baby. My birth, my pregnancy. Mine to hold responsibility for. Mine to get my head and heart around. Mine to be strong about and mine to move forward with.
Here I am editing this particular blog post, a year later. This one will build. This one is mine to add onto as I go on my journey with Layla. The pain is great I won't lie. I love that girl so much and I am so sorry if I did anything wrong to do this to her.
It has to be said. Because it is how I feel whether right or wrong. Nobody can tell me otherwise. Now, I do my best to make up for the loss of her being a regular functioning person. Don't reprimand me for this. This is a part of my reality, a little part, but a part never the less.
Right now, it is October 2012 and Michael and I are separated. Our family has come apart and redirected and taken a new shape. I don't have a companion that is a grown up. I have my little buddies, they are my little companions. We all need companionship. I do.
One day. One day. For now, I will spend some time by myself.
Secret
Starting late December 2012, something happened to me. For me, it was big. I did something that surprised me completely. Blindsided by my own behaviour and my capacity to act impulsively. I let everything go - threw caution to the wind and acted on nothing but instict and impulse. It felt so good.
June 2013. It still feels good. I've attached myself to the experience and the experience was a gift. A gift that I didn't expect but that I did ask for. The best gift. From one that I was happy to receive it from. More than happy. There was a connection to my heart. I acted from a heart place. A place of curiousity and innocence. And I am so very happy to have accepted the offering.
This experience has woken up me from the inside out. I am a passionate girl. I am confident and I am worthy and I love large.
This gift has kick started me and wow. I'm back, I'm here, I'm ready. I am free and a whole lot less scared. There is a sign on the fridge saying "Let It Be - all is well".
Jennifer - good for me for allowing nature to unfold and going with what I know - in my heart's infinite wisdom - is right. Good for me for living my practice. Good for me for knowing that this is about me and for savouring the experience. Good for me for doing what I love. I did what I loved. Good for me for not attaching to a thing - rather, attaching to the truth. Good for me for living life passionately. It's the only way. Good for me for being my sassy self - it's called walking my talk ;-)
Good for me for loving and never questioning why.
June 2013. It still feels good. I've attached myself to the experience and the experience was a gift. A gift that I didn't expect but that I did ask for. The best gift. From one that I was happy to receive it from. More than happy. There was a connection to my heart. I acted from a heart place. A place of curiousity and innocence. And I am so very happy to have accepted the offering.
This experience has woken up me from the inside out. I am a passionate girl. I am confident and I am worthy and I love large.
This gift has kick started me and wow. I'm back, I'm here, I'm ready. I am free and a whole lot less scared. There is a sign on the fridge saying "Let It Be - all is well".
Jennifer - good for me for allowing nature to unfold and going with what I know - in my heart's infinite wisdom - is right. Good for me for living my practice. Good for me for knowing that this is about me and for savouring the experience. Good for me for doing what I love. I did what I loved. Good for me for not attaching to a thing - rather, attaching to the truth. Good for me for living life passionately. It's the only way. Good for me for being my sassy self - it's called walking my talk ;-)
Good for me for loving and never questioning why.
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