The results of the 2 year old MRI came back. Her brain is continuing to show a few irregularities. Particularly the back of her brain, area affecting vision. There is a section of her spine that is filled with fluid - another anomaly.
The doctor asked us if she is generally a happy child and we said yes, very proudly. Pushing us through the pain of her state of affairs.
The next day I snuck out of the house at 6:00am to go to an early morning yoga class. The teacher had us moving through postures to the point of resting us in child's pose where we curl into ourselves, curl into our heart. Here I inhaled into my chest ribs and belly as to inflate myself, and then teacher guided us to exhale slow long and steady - releasing what is of no use to us to move forward and to move better.
I exhaled the question "why?" I let it run down my back like water. And I continue to use this technique while breathing when I am standing, walking or sitting. Breathing out the word why in my mind over and over and over.
When experiencing any loss or pain, there are things that we just can not come to terms with. Asking the question why - I can not come to terms with this and asking it of myself and to the universe is really painful and debilitating.
Breathing in what I need and releasing the feelings that I don't need is helpful on the other hand. Not to mention that choosing to live with the pain side of the fence takes the energy away from my holding her up and being the extension of her limited body.
2 years later and I am still motivated to write about my sadness, I am still typing and emoting.
She has the body of a small 2 year old and some abilities of a 6 month old. After telling me this so very kindly, the doctor extended his hand to reach mine and told me that I'm a really good mother to her. Thank you for saying that to me. I'm trying my best.
