No matter what, you are gorgeous
no matter what, you are a precious little baby
no matter what, you are mine
no matter what, your life is important and whole
no matter what, our relationship is of the utmost importance
no matter what, your sisters love you - period
no matter what, there is calm in our lives by you being in it
no matter what, I am different now
no matter what, there is so much to delight in you, and I delight in you
No matter what, I hold your life in my hands and my hands are embracing the world
No matter what, my special child, you are honoured
as all my daughters are honoured
you do hold a different place, you have earned that
No matter what, there will be tears for all that you are not but that doesn't mean I love you any less
No matter what, you won't know what you have missed
No matter what, you will be a happy person
No matter what, you will achieve all that you can achieve
with my support and with your own strengths
No matter what, I will keep pushing through
with you as my guiding force
No matter what, I love you
No matter what, you don't need me crying over you.
No matter what, you are an equal and contributing part of this family, my immediate one and our broader extension of family and friends
No matter what, all those who care about you will be positively affected by you
No matter what, you are different
and equally my child, an equal daughter, an equal cute and endearing and squishy faced little pumpkin
No matter what, I will always wonder....
No matter what, you have changed my life radically for the better
I can love you all more
love you proper
No matter what Layla ..... no matter what sweet girl
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Leprechaun / Mermaid
Happy St.Patrick's Day before I fail to mention. It is a big deal in my home. Sporting green, shamrocks and an Irish passport (or a reasonable facsimile) are required to get in!
The girls were in St.Paddy's day form as they are year after year and I think dad put on those super-hard-to-remove and not really school appropriate tatoos on the two oldest daughters very intentionally. He is proud to be Irish. Needless to say that I hope none of the kids in Maya's big buddy group read the label on the tat..... sigh.
It is official, Layla is a real life leprechaun. She is the lucky McKay charm. She's surrounded by marshmallow rainbows. Seriously.
Too cute in all of her green, she played it up very nicely. Sabrina has decided for the month of March from here on in, she will go from prized Mermaid status to the Irish counterpart - a female leprachaun :).
We have been watching the Paralympics and have the fortune of taking in a game in a few days with my dear bro. Everytime I watch these games, I cry. It, like everything else, has to do with my baby. While I wait for the melodrama to pass, I may as well use this very drama to inspire.
Layla is a Para. The thought of her being in a wheelchair is well, it is a big thought.
I reflect back to Alexandre Bilodeau winning the Olympic Gold for Canada. His family, his brother with Cerebral Palsy. Watching the Bilodeau family and hearing Alexandre speak of his brother as a force in his own life moved many people. For many reasons. We watched it with a heavy heart and lots of fierce pride at the same time. This is how it hits me. Heavy - with tears - and proudly encouraged - smile - are two feelings that have teamed up and follow me everywhere. It is a new and surprising experience. I am the parent of that child that inspires. Right now though, I can't deny how harsh this reality is.
Sometimes I just want to surround myself with company and good times. Other times, being alone and walking the road solo is the way to go. Right now, I need to be alone and restore some energy.
I've started explaining Layla's events to more family members. They are great. This cat needs to be kept out of the closet. There will be no closets in Layla's being. Seriously how can there be, I talk too much to ever let that happen!
She is too much to love and I hope that I can let all of my friends and family into my experience and the walk (or ride) of her life. Knowledge is key. She will be the change for many people. I am going to be her eyes and ears and transportation system for a while.
I do it with fierce pleasure and pride.
Go Paralympians!!
The girls were in St.Paddy's day form as they are year after year and I think dad put on those super-hard-to-remove and not really school appropriate tatoos on the two oldest daughters very intentionally. He is proud to be Irish. Needless to say that I hope none of the kids in Maya's big buddy group read the label on the tat..... sigh.
It is official, Layla is a real life leprechaun. She is the lucky McKay charm. She's surrounded by marshmallow rainbows. Seriously.
Too cute in all of her green, she played it up very nicely. Sabrina has decided for the month of March from here on in, she will go from prized Mermaid status to the Irish counterpart - a female leprachaun :).
We have been watching the Paralympics and have the fortune of taking in a game in a few days with my dear bro. Everytime I watch these games, I cry. It, like everything else, has to do with my baby. While I wait for the melodrama to pass, I may as well use this very drama to inspire.
Layla is a Para. The thought of her being in a wheelchair is well, it is a big thought.
I reflect back to Alexandre Bilodeau winning the Olympic Gold for Canada. His family, his brother with Cerebral Palsy. Watching the Bilodeau family and hearing Alexandre speak of his brother as a force in his own life moved many people. For many reasons. We watched it with a heavy heart and lots of fierce pride at the same time. This is how it hits me. Heavy - with tears - and proudly encouraged - smile - are two feelings that have teamed up and follow me everywhere. It is a new and surprising experience. I am the parent of that child that inspires. Right now though, I can't deny how harsh this reality is.
Sometimes I just want to surround myself with company and good times. Other times, being alone and walking the road solo is the way to go. Right now, I need to be alone and restore some energy.
I've started explaining Layla's events to more family members. They are great. This cat needs to be kept out of the closet. There will be no closets in Layla's being. Seriously how can there be, I talk too much to ever let that happen!
She is too much to love and I hope that I can let all of my friends and family into my experience and the walk (or ride) of her life. Knowledge is key. She will be the change for many people. I am going to be her eyes and ears and transportation system for a while.
I do it with fierce pleasure and pride.
Go Paralympians!!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Freedom
Last week, there was a day when I experienced a sense of real freedom around me. It started with my middle daughter on the swing soaring "up to the sky" and that look on her face. Like a mastercard commercial - priceless. Next up when I was walking home from #1's school and she was riding on her bike ahead of me. She too was soaring away from me. It was symbolic and sweet. Then as I'm carrying baby cakes in the front carrier, her calm reaction to the outdoors. My dear dear neighbour down the street walked up to us and was talking to Layla and she smiled in response.
There is something special about outdoors that releases a lot for me and I do transfer that onto my kids. I feel their freedom and happiness in the most basic things.
Layla will appreciate the fresh air more. When she breathes the air of late winter she will be free of thinking of the stressors of her day and experience the nature around her differently. Whether she rides that bike or swings up to the sky and back or not, her movement will create emotions that are beyond what I know. I wish for her less clutter and more simple happiness. We will all experience it vicariously through her. Whatever Layla's road ahead looks like, she will be free won't she.
Her neurologist said that she will be a happy person. I felt so stabbed in the heart, my response to that (inside voice of course) was to think - happy about what?
It's hard to put into words but I am slowly but very surely moving towards believeing that and really believing that.
There is tremendous freedom in letting go.
There is something special about outdoors that releases a lot for me and I do transfer that onto my kids. I feel their freedom and happiness in the most basic things.
Layla will appreciate the fresh air more. When she breathes the air of late winter she will be free of thinking of the stressors of her day and experience the nature around her differently. Whether she rides that bike or swings up to the sky and back or not, her movement will create emotions that are beyond what I know. I wish for her less clutter and more simple happiness. We will all experience it vicariously through her. Whatever Layla's road ahead looks like, she will be free won't she.
Her neurologist said that she will be a happy person. I felt so stabbed in the heart, my response to that (inside voice of course) was to think - happy about what?
It's hard to put into words but I am slowly but very surely moving towards believeing that and really believing that.
There is tremendous freedom in letting go.
Pity Party Podium
Everyday, I wonder what Layla's life will be; what it will look like.
Not a single day has passed that the thought hasn't gone through me. I don't stop at that thought. Rather, I push through. Usually because the very moment I go down that train, I get another train crossing the track - with my other two children on it. Giving me perspective that life is happenning and the picture that is Layla's future is going to take shape within the bigger whole of my family.
How precious is her life in that she has two siblings who are good and unique in there own ungenetically-affected way.
Everyday I wonder what is happening to my life. That is all that I can say about that because with this one I'm a bit stuck. I looked at my husband and said why you and me?
Why us..... baby - your needs are so much bigger than me........
Not a single day has passed that the thought hasn't gone through me. I don't stop at that thought. Rather, I push through. Usually because the very moment I go down that train, I get another train crossing the track - with my other two children on it. Giving me perspective that life is happenning and the picture that is Layla's future is going to take shape within the bigger whole of my family.
How precious is her life in that she has two siblings who are good and unique in there own ungenetically-affected way.
Everyday I wonder what is happening to my life. That is all that I can say about that because with this one I'm a bit stuck. I looked at my husband and said why you and me?
Why us..... baby - your needs are so much bigger than me........
Friday, March 5, 2010
Pride Ongoing
It's March 2010. There is an exciting feeling around. The air is swimming with spring flowers on the edge of full bloom. Vancouver this time of year is the butterfly breaking out of the cacoon. It's earlier than usual.. The Olympic games round one has ended with the Paralympic gearing to go just around the corner. The electricity comes from the Vancouver Olympic experience.
I'm still catching up on the reviews most of them good from the wake of the games.
My pride for our town is pretty huge. I feel like my family and I did good. The city did good. It's like all of us Vancouverites held hands and lifted the games and our city up high high high all while smiling and doing the happy dance.
Do you know what I mean?
I remember clear as day where I was when I heard of the Georgian athletes awful death. It made me sink. Without a word, it's as if we all knew that we weren't going to let him down, the Vancouver Olympics down, this experience down. We rose up in cheer and delight to push through the negative - and yes it was negative. This young man shouldn't have died this way. He didn't get to embrace his family as they hugged and kissed him with pride over his olympic experience when he returned home to his life and loved ones. There was no okaying this. Sure the weather up in Cypress sucked and there were trucks and helicopters bringing in snow. Many many tickets were of no use and those people were completely screwed of a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Life happenned in Vancouver. I get that. It normalized me somehow. Shit happens.
Tragedy is devastating.
There was the moment where I asked the question: What can I do?
Could we push through this as a host city? I remember seeing John Furlong with Jacques Rogge in the press conference after the death. They were gutted.
There was no way I would let this go to pot. We all felt the same. Clearly.
My night out - a pleasant last minute surprise thanks to a dear friend and Olympics Mom as I think of her now - with a group of mothers was incredible. It will be a highlite of my year. The experience of the Olympics was a dream staycation let me tell you.
We all know that this is a costly endeavour and Vancouver and it's people are stretched already beyond means. Yes, that big bear in the corner it's there alright. We'll be crying over that for years to come and possibly damning some of this.
Outside of the bad, the experience that I am left with is joy and pride over a great moment of our history. Families and peoples coming together. We will share this for a lifetime. Greatfully. We welcomed the world into our backyard with open arms, warm hearts and friendly faces. The happiness was infectious and undeniable. When I look at those Olympic weeks I know that happiness and festivity rise above cynicism. As does the goodness in all of us, it is stronger than a negative spirit.
I am buoyed by this experience and I will push through with my red Canada toque square on my head.
A part of me may very well believe that Layla will inspire more than just me. I believe that she will see, hear, speak, and walk. She can laugh; we've heard that. Her spirit is strong.
This moment came at a good time for me. Like a dose of sunshine, my reserves are full, I am nourished.
Life is good.
I'm still catching up on the reviews most of them good from the wake of the games.
My pride for our town is pretty huge. I feel like my family and I did good. The city did good. It's like all of us Vancouverites held hands and lifted the games and our city up high high high all while smiling and doing the happy dance.
Do you know what I mean?
I remember clear as day where I was when I heard of the Georgian athletes awful death. It made me sink. Without a word, it's as if we all knew that we weren't going to let him down, the Vancouver Olympics down, this experience down. We rose up in cheer and delight to push through the negative - and yes it was negative. This young man shouldn't have died this way. He didn't get to embrace his family as they hugged and kissed him with pride over his olympic experience when he returned home to his life and loved ones. There was no okaying this. Sure the weather up in Cypress sucked and there were trucks and helicopters bringing in snow. Many many tickets were of no use and those people were completely screwed of a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
Life happenned in Vancouver. I get that. It normalized me somehow. Shit happens.
Tragedy is devastating.
There was the moment where I asked the question: What can I do?
Could we push through this as a host city? I remember seeing John Furlong with Jacques Rogge in the press conference after the death. They were gutted.
There was no way I would let this go to pot. We all felt the same. Clearly.
My night out - a pleasant last minute surprise thanks to a dear friend and Olympics Mom as I think of her now - with a group of mothers was incredible. It will be a highlite of my year. The experience of the Olympics was a dream staycation let me tell you.
We all know that this is a costly endeavour and Vancouver and it's people are stretched already beyond means. Yes, that big bear in the corner it's there alright. We'll be crying over that for years to come and possibly damning some of this.
Outside of the bad, the experience that I am left with is joy and pride over a great moment of our history. Families and peoples coming together. We will share this for a lifetime. Greatfully. We welcomed the world into our backyard with open arms, warm hearts and friendly faces. The happiness was infectious and undeniable. When I look at those Olympic weeks I know that happiness and festivity rise above cynicism. As does the goodness in all of us, it is stronger than a negative spirit.
I am buoyed by this experience and I will push through with my red Canada toque square on my head.
A part of me may very well believe that Layla will inspire more than just me. I believe that she will see, hear, speak, and walk. She can laugh; we've heard that. Her spirit is strong.
This moment came at a good time for me. Like a dose of sunshine, my reserves are full, I am nourished.
Life is good.
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