The Core of the Family

Moms are the core of the family. They are meant as such. We hold the embryo, feed the fetus, birth the babe, breastfeed the hungry bear. I think it's fair to say we hold the core title. When I think of a core, I see an apple and cutting around the core, throwing it away, then eating the good stuff around it.
This week I have been the apple core of this family. I've thrown myself away feeling useless. Don't let my bleak state of mind deter you.

A woman who has become a special friend over many years of limited visits yet meaningful conversations when we see each other, acknowledged my feelings with the words of "shock and grief". I am in shock and grief-stricken. I gave birth to a defective baby and I feel responsible.

Fuck the world a thousand times over.

So much for my resolution of imparting happiness to the world each and every day to friends and strangers alike. Next blog post - promise.

Because this post has been so bleak, I'll give you this from the words of Maya and Sabrina.

Sabrina asked me prior to her dance class if I could "please blow up her tutu". My response was "..... huh?"

We were discussing what it was that we ate for dinner tonight, and I told Maya that it was catfish (really yummy onion and dijon crusted recipe - mmm mmm good!). She replied in her very Maya way (she knows everything right now, underline everything) and said "Well!! Catfish is when cat's eat fish then barf it out and then Mummy re-cooks it to make it taste yummy again". My response was to first stop daddy's laughing so Maya would take seriously the inappropriateness of the comment and then a reminder to her that it is "vomit" not "barf"!!!
My word!!

Layla's Beautiful Mind

"I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible"

Today was this from Neurology:

Heterotopic Grey Matter - Brain Malformation

?

why?

I need to believe that something extraordinary can happen.

The Title of the Craziest

Is it just me or all of us mums in a race for the title of the craziest?

Our children are of the generation of bootcamp mornings, hyper-scheduled right from in-utero (signing up for daycare if you are pregnant - hey that's what the recorded message of the daycare said!!!), helicopter parenting, do you get my drift.

What is that going to do to them? What is going to be the outcome in their adult years? Nobody knows because they will be the first of their kind. Read - a generation gearing up for exciting and new age therapy.

That's it. I'm going to be the Generation Y Therapist. Can I do that as a Generation Xer raising my Ys? Probably. Because I'm aware.

So, I leave you this fellow harried mothers and fathers:  If it seems like it is getting out of hand, go with your gut and acknowledge, heck say it out loud, that it is.  Step back, slow down, take a day off of your routine and chill out.  They just need you, not the frantic you, just you period.  They see the frantic and they know that mode and they slip into their response.  Let's encourage initiative taking children, not just reactive ones.  Right now, they in a sense are reacting to our pace, the one that we have imposed on them.   Let's re-create the arena for their imagination to run free versus one where they are responding to stress.   Loving your children, I think it is that simple.

Where's the Manual??!

Last night it was my mother's birthday celebration. Particularly special as it is a year after her cancer treatment and she is in great health and able to enjoy a birthday as she does. Baby Layla is suffering - it is the right word - from what seems to be a chronic constipation issue. Fruit is not good right now and it is important to note that with developmentally delayed children, that although she is enjoying food from the 6 month mark, her stomach juices aren't ready for the onslaught. So, keep it simple with one type of food, easily digestible, for a stretch of time before introducing another. Keep away from the fruit because their sugars are more complex and requires more to break down. Leading to "colicky" baby symptoms. i.e. miserable all night long. I think I'm going to invent a chocolate that pairs well with colicky baby with the ingredient for keeping us going through the wee hours.

We'll stick to basic sweet pots, carrots, yams, possibly potatoes and formula. Peas too seem to be a no-no, again going back to the sugar. There are so many books, I know, but you know your baby the best and I really am accepting that there is nothing wrong with holding back until it gets easier for the baby. Not to get too ahead of myself in order to achieve a sense of success - rather find success in the smiles, hugs, sounds and warmth of the baby.

Oh my, I should write for Hallmark!

OK so my epiphany today was inspired by a rather low moment last night. The baby was crying in discomfort and just annoying at 1:30am after my family departed leaving me with a kitchen full of dirty dishes (that said family just ignored completely.... I'll leave that for another post). I looked at her and said something to the effect of " I don't have time to deal with your fussing right now" and how "she should have come with a manual".
Today, after a few hours of sleep and god-is-great caffeine, the thought came to me:

She chose me, she is my manual for my life.

When you look at your baby choosing you, it opens up the picture so much. It's not a matter of deflecting or denying. These children, their spirits, we make them. Their uniqueness. It is spirit. Her spirit is providing a quiet means for us to re-evaluate and reshape what matters most in our lives. Life is important, all life, in all of it's many colours.

The earthquake disaster in Haiti, we must all help. All life is of value and the impacts are far reaching. Shift our family focus to re-establish our own ability to value lives that may look like they have none. All people are able and worthy and it is high time that the world isn't perceived as a place to squash abilities and the emphasis on the forces of evil. Music and prose needs to talk of happy times, of goodness and hope.

I don't know the plan to helping the damage caused by the disaster, but the help - great and small - will impact exponentially. Human kindness and goodness does prevail if we allow it. No? I mean Yes??

A wise, but creepy man (gosh if he ever reads this he'll know..) told me that disasters and hardship are the only way to draw empathy and compassion from people. This may seem like an obvious and why am I getting stumped on that - but I find it stump worthy!

I have digressed but there are a number of points here, it's all in the interpretation. I leave you this to remember, your child is your life manual.

Kissing your Eyes

I sofly kissed Layla's eyes today as she was perfectly nestled in my arms. My kiss came with the wish for sight.
Went to the paediatrician today for a weigh in and we spoke of her constipation. It may be chronic with her composition and he is refering us to see a gastroenterologist. That is a pretty cool title, I gotta say. With there being so many ologies in the medical world, how do you decide?? Who would choose bowel health? Dare I ask upon meeting this doctor? I wouldn't put it past me...

There is a great song that is going to part of Layla's musical repetoire: "this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine, this little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine. Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Layla's Turning into one of them...

Layla is 8 months new. Maya is 6, Sabrina 4. After the holidays it has hit me like a ton of bricks the bloody chaos that we live in. My friend, my lifesource. sent me a link for RTS Canada. She and all the friends and family in our lives are incredible. They are there in good and bad times. Back to the RTS website: The children and their families are beautiful and it does warm me to know that there are others going through this. What hurts is how much my baby daughter is looking like her diagnosis. It is such a push and pull of emotions. We are greatful for the diagnosis to give us a blueprint of things to come. How can I not be appreciative of technology and the knowledge / access to information that I have access to? BUT (such an irritating word), it is sad to have to go there. I am sorry and is not my intention to insult the families of children diagnosed with this. I will get used to being here. My children will propel me through this early - kind of uncomfortable - road.

There is a parent group that I belong to - let's call it the "group". Can I suggest that everyone find a group. Whether it be a book club, meet at the bar once a week, mommy's group, pow-wow in the school playground or whatever, you should join one. Life happens around you and you are a part of the life; you make a difference. So don't shy away from the "group" that caters to what you need at this point in your life.

So to end, I have to say welcome Rubinstien and Taybi. I'll show you around. Make yourself at home.

I'm just too old to be doing this...

Is the thought that ran through my head while brushing my teeth this morning. I'm at an "age" where having a baby was not in the plan back when I was 19. Having an identified special something something baby on top of that was definitely not in any tarot cards I picked out at any of those psychic fairs!! But as the saying goes - it is what it is.

So Layla is scheduled to have her Cleft Palate surgery in March. Many of those that love her dearly are hoping and praying that this surgery will lead to a marked leap in her development. I think I will join them in this hope and wish. My 6 year old and I went to see the Princess and the Frog. There was a star named "Evangeline" that everyone wished upon. Why can't we all wish upon stars? This year is the year to believe that dreams and wishes can come true. This is the year of believing! Let's all do it!